Jermil's Cage

It's been too long ...

2008-03-26T08:18:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time since I wrote anything ... at least here ... I guess things have just been progressing. Everything moving along at it's own pace, some things fast and some slow.

I guess 2008 has it's own rhythm that I haven't quite figured out yet, and while that troubles some people ... for me it's a blessing as it keeps everything new and comfortable all at once. There is still so much left to do this year, and it feels as though there just might be enough time to do it ... for once I don't feel rushed or stalled. Everything can be dealt with in it's own time, and the pressure to be ... something or somewhere ... melts into the corner where no one cares.

Nobody 'cept You

There's nothing 'round here I believe in
'Cept you, yeah you
And there's nothing to me that's sacred
'Cept you, yeah you

You're the one that reaches me
You're the one that I admire
Every time we meet together
My soul feels like it's on fire
Nothing matters to me
And there's nothing I desire
'Cept you, yeah you

Nothing 'round here I care to try for
'Cept you, yeah you
Got nothing left to live or die for
'Cept you, yeah you

There's a hymn I used to hear
In the churches all the time
Make me feel so good inside
So peaceful, so sublime
And there's nothing to remind me of that
Old familiar chime
'Cept you, uh huh you

Used to play in the cemetery
Dance and sing and run when I was a child
Never seemed strange
But now I just pass mournfully by
That place where the bones of life are piled
I know somethin' has changed
I'm a stranger here and no one sees me
'Cept you, yeah you

Nothing much matters or seems to please me
'Cept you, yeah you
Nothing hypnotizes me
Or holds me in a spell
Everything runs by me
Just like water from a well
Everybody wants my attention
Ev'rybody's got something to sell
'Cept you, yeah you

- Bob Dylan

I sent my ...

2008-02-18T22:08:00.001-05:00

I sent my soul into the invisible,

Some letter of that after life to spell.

And by and by my soul returned to me

And answered, I myself am heaven and hell.

- Omar Khayyam (Rubaiyat)

Contrasts of ...

2008-01-16T23:49:00.001-05:00

I just came back from a long hard talk with a friend who is in a tough spot at the moment. It was one of those conversations that you just need from time to time ... especially at this time. It centered on the hardships of life, but more importantly it was about love ... love lost ... love found, and the dynamics of it as it passes through relationships.

Those euphoric feelings of bliss contrasted against the painful daggers of hurt and despair. How one should be lucky about finding something so true, and for however long or brief it may be ... at least you've found it. Then ... the torment that accompanies the end of it all ... how it tears at you, and leaves you wondering whether or not it was worth the pain.

In the end ... things unfold as they should, which is something I truly believe. All things good and bad come into and out of your life as they should, and at the exact moment that they should. Things happen for reasons ... people who you never expect to see again magically reappear and people you thought would never leave vanish ...

The point of all this ... is that after experiencing something so great ... the only reason you wouldn't want that again is fear ... fear of losing it, and being lost all over again ...

Tell Me

Tell me, I've got to know.
Tell me, tell me before I go.
Does that flame still burn? Does that fire still glow?
Or has it died out and melted like the snow.
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, what are you focused upon?
Tell me willit come to me after you're gone.
Tell me now with a glance or a sigh
Shall I hold you close?
Or Shall I let you go by?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Is that the heat and the beat of your pulse that I feel?
If it's not that, what is it your're trying to conceal?
Do you have any secrets,? they will only come out in time.
Do you lie in your bed and stare at the stars?
Is your main friend an old acquaintance of ours?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, Are those rock and roll dreams in your eyes?
Tell me, behind what door your treasure lies.
Ever gone broke in a big way?
Ever done the opposite of what the experts say?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Is this some kind of game that you're playin' with my heart?
How deep must I go, Where do I start?
Do you have any morals?
Do you have any point of view?
Is that a smile I see on your face?
Will it lead me to glory or lead me to disgrace?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, is that my name in your book?
Tell me, should I come back and take another look?
Tell me the truth, don't you tell me no lies.
Are you anyone some one prays for or cries?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, I've got to know.
Tell me, tell me before I go.
Does that flame still burn? Does that fire still glow?
Or has it died out and melted like the snow.
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, what are you focused upon?
Tell me willit come to me after you're gone.
Tell me now with a glance or a sigh
Shall I hold you close?
Or Shall I let you go by?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Is that the heat and the beat of your pulse that I feel?
If it's not that, what is it your're trying to conceal?
Do you have any secrets,? they will only come out in time.
Do you lie in your bed and stare at the stars?
Is your main friend an old acquaintance of ours?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, Are those rock and roll dreams in your eyes?
Tell me, behind what door your treasure lies.
Ever gone broke in a big way?
Ever done the opposite of what the experts say?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Is this some kind of game that you're playin' with my heart?
How deep must I go, Where do I start?
Do you have any morals?
Do you have any point of view?
Is that a smile I see on your face?
Will it lead me to glory or lead me to disgrace?
Tell me.
Tell me.

Tell me, is that my name in your book?
Tell me, should I come back and take another look?
Tell me the truth, don't you tell me no lies.
Are you anyone some one prays for or cries?
Tell me.
Tell me.

-Bob Dylan

vs.

Nothing Even Matters

Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small
'Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all

See I don't need no alcohol
Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal
'Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all

These buildings could drift out to sea
Some natural catastrophe
Still there's no place I'd rather be
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me

You're part of my identity
I sometimes have the tendency
To look at you religiously
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me

Now you won't find me at no store
I have no time for manicures
With you it's never either or
'Cause nothing even matters no more

Nothing even matters
Nothing it don't matter
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more

Now my team could score
And make it to the Final Four
Just repossess my 4x4
'Cause nothing even matters no more

Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more

To me( till fade out)

-Lauryn Hill

As a side note ... these two songs came on in succession as I was thinking about all of ... this .......

Whole Wide World

2008-01-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

Another song ... another favorite, mainly because it's so ... happy.

Originally written by the Monkees and covered countless times, but the version I prefer is by Wreckless Eric, and was used in Stranger Than Fiction - one of my favorite movies of all time.

Whole Wide World

When I was a young boy
My mama said to me
There's only one girl in the world for you
And she probably lives in Tahiti

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her

Or maybe she's in the Bahamas
Where the Carribean sea is blue
Weeping in a tropical moonlit night
Because nobody's told her 'bout you

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her

Why am I hanging around in the rain out here
Trying to pick up a girl
Why are my eyes filling up with these lonely tears
When there're girls all over the world

Is she lying on a tropical beach somewhere
Underneath the tropical sun
Pining away in a heatwave there
Hoping that I won't be long

I should be lying on that sun-soaked beach with her
Caressing her warm brown skin
And then in a year or maybe not quite
We'll be sharing the same next of kin

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her

It's 2008 ... bring on the pink elephants and dancing pigs!!!

2008-01-03T22:07:00.000-05:00

A year older a year wiser ....

It's such a cliche, but in many aspects I can see where it comes from.

As I sit here thinking over the past few weeks I come to a strange but comforting appreciation of where I am, where I've been and what I've come to. Time spent with friends and family especially during times when it's so important to do so, makes you really realize what you have ... or in my case how MUCH I actually have. You forget about the someone you don't have, the things you want, and the places you haven't been ... and you appreciate everything that you do ... for better and worse, you appreciate where you have come to physically, mentally and emotionally.

Maybe it's the dawning of the new year ... maybe it's much needed time away ... or maybe it's just growing up in more than a physical sense ... either way it's 2008 and the word "possibility" makes me happy.

Wonder

2007-12-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

I wonder ... I'm wondering ...

It's all just thoughts, with no real singular idea(s)/direction ... Nothing clear or concise ...

... it's all just wonders.

In the meantime here's another song ...

Society

It's a mystery to me
we have a greed
with which we have agreed

You think you have to want
more than you need
until you have it all you won't be free

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me

When you want more than you have
you think you need
and when you think more than you want
your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
'cos when you have more than you think
you need more space

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

there's those thinking more or less less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
Means for every point you make
your level drops
kinda like its starting from the top
you can't do that...

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

society, have mercy on me
I hope you're not angry if I disagree
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

-Eddie Vedder

HAHAHAHAHA ...

2007-11-13T09:31:00.001-05:00

Road to Peace

2007-09-06T12:33:00.000-05:00

This is a really great song by Tom Waits ... kind of a bluesy, folksy song but really good, and what makes it great are the lyrics.

Sorry for getting all serious and political ... but it tells a simple story of Israel vs. Palestine ...

"Road to Peace"

Young Abdel Mahdi (Shahmay) was only 18 years old,
He was the youngest of nine children, never spent a night away from home.
And his mother held his photograph, opening the New York Times
To see the killing has intensified along the road to peace

There was a tall, thin boy with a whispy moustache disguised as an orthodox Jew
On a crowded bus in Jerusalem, some had survived World War Two
And the thunderous explosion blew out windows 200 yards away
With more retribution and seventeen dead along the road to peace

Now at King George Ave and Jaffa Road passengers boarded bus 14a
In the aisle next to the driver Abdel Mahdi (Shahmay)
And the last thing that he said on earth is "God is great and God is good"
And he blew them all to kingdom come upon the road to peace

Now in response to this another kiss of death was visited upon
Yasser Taha, Israel says is an Hamas senior militant
And Israel sent four choppers in, flames engulfed, tears wide open
And it killed his wife and his three year old child leaving only blackened skeletons

It's found his toddlers bottle and a pair of small shoes and they waved them in front of the cameras
But Israel says they did not know that his wife and child were in the car
There are roadblocks everywhere and only suffering on TV
Neither side will ever give up their smallest right along the road to peace

Israel launched it's latest campaign against Hamas on Tuesday
Two days later Hamas shot back and killed five Israeli soldiers
So thousands dead and wounded on both sides most of them middle eastern civilians
They fill the children full of hate to fight an old man's war and die upon the road to peace

"And this is our land we will fight with all our force" say the Palastinians and the Jews
Each side will cut off the hand of anyone who tries to stop the resistance
If the right eye offends thee then you must pluck it out
And Mahmoud Abbas said Sharon had been lost out along the road to peace

Once Kissinger said "we have no friends, America only has interests"
Now our president wants to be seen as a hero and he's hungry for re-election
But Bush is reluctant to risk his future in the fear of his political failures
So he plays chess at his desk and poses for the press 10,000 miles from the road to peace

In the video that they found at the home of Abdel Mahdi (Shahmay)
He held a Kalashnikov rifle and he spoke with a voice like a boy
He was an excellent student, he studied so hard, it was as if he had a future
He told his mother that he had a test that day out along the road to peace

The fundamentalist killing on both sides is standing in the path of peace
But tell me why are we arming the Israeli army with guns and tanks and bullets?
And if God is great and God is good why can't he change the hearts of men?
Well maybe God himself is lost and needs help
Maybe God himself he needs all of our help
Maybe God himself is lost and needs help
He's out upon the road to peace

Well maybe God himself is lost and needs help
Maybe God himself he needs all of our help
And he's lost upon the road to peace
And he's lost upon the road to peace
Out upon the road to peace.

- Tom Waits

Something Reminded Me

2007-09-05T20:41:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months things have happened that just made me think about ... everything.

I've watched family and friends ... join their lives forever ... meet ... greet ... stop ... hurt ... back and forth.

Everywhere people were entering or exiting ... some of it happy and some of it hard.

So what's the point? I don't know somewhere along the way I was reminded of something someone once read to me, and for the longest time I couldn't remember.

Then suddenly for whatever reason (although I don't believe in chance) ... I just remembered ... all of it ... It's a poem by Leonard Cohen and it reminds me of something from long ago that still makes me smile ... life is funny ...

As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill
So my body leaves no scar
On you and never will
Through windows in the dark
The children come, the children go
Like arrows with no targets
Like shackles made of snow

True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun

As a falling leaf may rest
A moment on the air
So your head upon my breast
So my hand upon your hair

And many nights endure
Without a moon or star
So we will endure
When one is gone and far

True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun

- Leonard Cohen

rambling on

2007-08-16T14:54:00.000-05:00

So ... it's been over a month since the last time I entered anything ... and in all honesty there's not much I care to write.

I guess since I have some spare time until the minutes tick by to signal the end of the day, I decided now would be a good time for adding an entry ... or entering an ad?

Much has happened in the span of a month ... do you remember when you were a little kid and a month felt like a year as you anxiously waited for something in the not so distant future ... and now that year feels like a week ... in some cases a day as everything zips by at such a hurried pace.

All at once things you look forward to come and go, and in the meantime the minutes in between become the stage for all sorts of interesting events, occassions, etc. until before you know it ... the month is over. The things that were supposed to be done are done. The events that were supposed to be happenings are now just memories ... fond ones, but memories none the less ...

As I sit here reliving the past month in my mind ... I'm already mentally calculating, examining and planning the next series of events, happenings, etc.

... and so the race comes around to the end, which is the start ... and we all just keep rambling on.

"have you ever ... have you ever ... had some ..."

Filling the Void

2007-07-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

It's late, and it's been awhile ... actually it's been a long time. I guess I've just been busy running around ...

So what's the purpose of this one ... I feel as though each and every post has a purpose, and this case is no different.

I guess I'm somewhere in between decisions. So much is going on it's hard to take the time to sit and think through everything. To adjust, to calculate, and to evaluate everything that is going on. In some instances it's as though I'm simply killing time until the next great event ... in other cases it's almost as if there are too many events to keep track of. I guess you just have to take it all in at once and sort it out as it becomes clearer.

What am I talking about? Well there's too much to mention in a few simple paragraphs, but it's definitely fun, it's definitely exciting, and ... it's definitely troublesome. So why write about it? ... I think it's just so that I remeber ... a little reminder to me. Something to say "Do you remember when?"

Just killing time until the next great adventure ...

E-Z Breezy

2007-06-27T14:12:00.000-05:00

I waited all year for summer, and now it's here ... it's hot, it's sticky, people are sweating for no other reason than just being alive ... and it's perfect.

BBQs, places to go, people to see, and it seems as though everyone is in the mood for a party. It's as if the simple fact of "summer" being here has alleviated people of so many burdens. The stress of work ... the stresses of life, love, family ... everything. It all melts away under the punishing heat of the sun.

Unfortunately ... it's already close to the end of JUNE!! I feel as if it's been a whirlwind of activity, with scarcely any time for me to stick my head above the water to just stop ... and breath ... and enjoy the moment of being in the season. That's not to say that the activity hasn't been rewarding and pleasurable ... it is to say that now that it's here, I don't want it to zip on by only to wake up one day and realize we're in fall.

I need to go outside and breath ... even if its just for one ... moment.

In need ... indeed

2007-06-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

As I sit here watching summer pass outside my window, I can't help but feel so ... BLAH ... unmotivated, distracted, antsy ...

I need some serious excitement, I need to be on the road, going somewhere - DESPERATELY! I've always told myself that I would never allow my life to feel like a routine, but unfortunately that's exactly what it feels like. I find each week blends into the next. There is no end or beginning, it's just one complete circle and I just go around and around ... and before I know it, fall will be here, leaves will be changing and I'll be scratching my head wondering where the time went.

Now as I sit here inching closer and closer to 4 years in the same city, I am slowly being reminded of how much I enjoy the challenge of starting a new life. I always wondered if I liked moving every 3 years out of necessity, or if it was the excitement and thrill of the adventure. Some people would think it's silly ... but there is something about starting over in completely new surroundings that I find so invigorating.

Maybe I just need a vacation ... no ... I KNOW I need a vacation.

Sleeping Lessons

2007-06-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

I think these lyrics evoke more feeling when you can actually hear the music that accompanies it ... regardless I still find them interesting and meaningful ...

Go without,
'Til the need seeps in
You low animal,
Collect your novel petals for the stem,

And glow,
Glow,
Melt and flow,
Eviscerate your fragile frame,
And spill it out in the ragged floor,
A thousand different versions of yourself,

And if the old guard still offend,
They got nothing left on which you depend,
So enlist every ounce
Of your bright blood,
And off with their heads,

Jump from the book
You're not obliged to swallow anything you despise
See, those unrepenting buzzards want your life,
And they got no right--
As sure as you have eyes,
They got no right,

Just put yourself in my new shoes,
And see that I do what I do,
Because the old guard still offend,
(Their pudgy hearts and slimy hands)
They got nothing left on which we depend.
So enlist every ounce
Of your bright blood,
And off with their heads.

Jump from the book,
You're not obliged to swallow anything you despise
That you despise.

- The Shins

On Your Porch

2007-06-06T19:01:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I like to post lyrics to songs that I really like for whatever reason ... maybe they reflect my mood, or they say something that I find poetic, inspiring, interesting, or it reminds me of a time and place ... and sometimes it encompasses all of that.

I won't say what this one means to me, because I think you need to add your own importance to a song.

i was on your porch
the smoke sank into my skin
so i came inside to be with you
and we talked all night,
about everything we could imagine
cause come the morning i'll be gone
and as our eyes start to close,
i turn to you and i let you know,
that i love you

well my dad was sick
and my mom she cared for him
her love it nursed him back to life
and me i ran,
i couldnt even look at him,
for fear i'd have to say goodbye
and as i start to leave he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,

whats left to lose,
you've done enough
and if you fail well then you fail,
but not to us
cause these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

so now here i sit,
in a hotel off of sunset
my thoughts bounce off of sam's guitar
and thats the way it's been,
ever since we were kids but now,
now we've got something to prove

and i,
i can see their eyes
but tell me something,
can they see mine?

cause whats left to lose,
i've done enough
and if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot
and these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

even if it's alone

i was on your porch last night,
the smoke it sank into my skin

- The Format

You little POS!!!!

2007-05-29T13:17:00.000-05:00

... and you're back ... back to ruin my week. My life ... ughhh

Well yet again it was my own stupidity ... the only thing that worries me this time is that there wasn't mass quantities of booze (don't get me wrong you probably thought I was inviting you over for a few) .. but there were a few incredibly rich dinners. Now if you're going to start making appearances over something I ate, well then we have a definite problem.

First I'm going to drown you in chicken soup and salad ... then we'll sort out this sleeping business, because unfortunately you seem to especially enjoy partying all night. Makes it incredibly tough to sleep longer than an hour and a half before I have to turn. Did I mention the chicken soup? It's going to be hot and scalding and you my friend will not enjoy it one bit.

Mainly though ... I beg that you get the f*ck out ... actually I demand that you leave!!!

All in all you're definitely not as bad as the previous times ... I just really don't enjoy you taking up residence on Pancreas Lane ... it's not you it's me ... it's us, we definitely don't have a very good relationship. So I think it would be best if you just packed up your sh*t and left.

Uncontrollable

2007-05-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

There's something I've known about myself for quite some time but only recently has it become more and more noticeable ... I like to be in control of my environment and of myself ... but for whatever reason lately I haven't been.

I don't know why but this person makes me ... uncontrollable, or at least I don't feel like I have any control, and quite honestly it scares me. I feel like I'm impulsive, or at least my normal thought processes aren't clicking. Anyone who knows me knows how long I can think about something until I've analyzed it from every which way ... but ... that's not happening. Instead I fly by the seat of my pants, doing things impulsively and only considering or thinking things through after the fact.

It's troubling ... I'm a little scared by it all ... hmmmm, maybe this would be a good time to sit and ponder ... any suggestions?

Finally something nice ...

2007-05-25T08:06:00.000-05:00

With all the stories about retarded athletes acting like immature and idiotic assholes, it's nice that someone in the media finally wrote something about an athlete who is doing something worthwhile.

Click here for the story.

Sitting on Top of The World

2007-05-21T19:01:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, I've been thinking of this song ... I don't know why ... not unhappy in any way, maybe it just reminds me of something.

Remember the times we used to play
We'd sing and we'd dance all damn day
But all I do is sing the blues
But have I forsaken you by telling you
What you must do
And all I do is sing the blues
But I would never lie, let things go by
Leave you in a road to die
I would never ever say good bye

Never gonna say good bye
Never gonna say good bye

Remember the times that we
Used to share
You got to remember the times
That we used to share
That we used to share

But the only way for you to survive
Is to open your heart it will guide
You wanna stay in this world of music and life
You got to turn around
And spread a little love and get high

- Lenny Kravitz

A Study in Contrast

2007-05-14T00:56:00.000-05:00

He sits there in the dewey grass at the edge of his world, as a new day rises.

Everything has been brought together to define this one moment. The knowledge from the past, with the objectivity of the present, mingle with the uncertainty of the future. He takes the time to survey all that is laid before him, and stiffly straightens his arms for that one last push skyward. As his feet feel the slick dampness of the grass and dirt, it is altogether familiar and strange. A study in contrast ...

While uncertain of where it may lead, he follows the sounds of his world as he takes each step. While knowing and not truly knowing where it will go, he places one foot in front of the other and moves closer to his edge. Peering over he sees the end and the beginning, and all that lies in between. He chooses a specific point and leaps upward and onward into something ... that is altogether familiar and strange ...

The landing has been decided, the events preceeding and proceeding it have been determined, and while it is old and known, it is somehow new and different.

Surrealism

2007-04-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love surrealist art, mainly Salvador Dali.

So I was pretty happy to find out about this Russian artist named Vladimir Kush. Here is a link to his personal website.

He has some really cool paintings and scupltures.

Incredibly imaginative, strange, colorful ...

An opinion ...

2007-04-20T09:07:00.000-05:00

Here is an opinion piece by Peggy Noonan for the Wall Street Journal.

It relates to my previous posting and clarifies what I was trying to say ...

a random thought

2007-04-18T00:51:00.000-05:00

I want a beer ...

The times seem to require it. The madness of the world seems to be imploding on itself. The Virginia Tech Massacre, a horrible rape in New York city, endless discussions about some idiot DJ. ... it's as though everything is coming to a head. Just scanning the Drudge Report on any given day, gives everyone a look at the evil of man, and truth be told it becomes tiresome.

Everything seems to be on the brink of something, and yet ... here i sit in a blissful state of ignorance. No ... it's not ignorance because I understand the implications and the consequences. Maybe it's somewhere between indifference and a deep concern masked by passivity.

Perhaps this is what they meant by the "ME" generation. A large and general "I don't give a f*ck!" to anyone within earshot or to anyone who cares to listen. Like that will justify the individual in their existence, in their beliefs, in them. The same indifference is what propagates the problem. It furthers it along its path, making the severity of the crimes worse, and allowing people to accept anything less than the extreme. The next time something happens people will say "Well at least it's not as bad as ..."

Who knows ... but with the ever endless coverage of all the evil things we do to ourselves, one can't help but feel somewhat detached.

OR ... maybe I'm just rambling ... i tend to do that.

half a$$ing my way through the day ...

2007-04-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

I've recently been experimenting with the idea of just not planning. I had reached a point where I felt like everything was always planned, there was always a schedule, always someone to meet, something to do ... and after awhile it felt like a prison. I was constricted by what my little calendar was telling me I had to be doing.

To say it was frustrating would be an understatement. All these other exciting possibilities had to be pushed to the way side as I was forced to focus on some predetermined event that had been scheduled 3 weeks ago. For lack of a better word, it sucked.

I'm not saying that planning ahead is for losers ... but I am saying that when everyone keeps planning event after event ad nauseam, well after awhile you start wishing that there you didn't have as many friends. Either that or your friends weren't so insistent that you attend.

You know what I'm talking about ... it's that friend who rarely comes out, but suddenly they have some special engagement and because of that they guilt you into showing up ... meanwhile you would rather be doing about a million other things, but out of a sense of loyalty you show up anyways. That's ok when it happens once in a blue moon, but when it happens weekend after weekend ... well it starts to wear on you.

So what's the point of all of this? Recently I've adopted a new attitude and so far it seems to be working wonders. In general I just choose specific days not to plan a thing, these days mainly fall on the weekends ... and so far so good. There is a lot to be said for being able to wake up on a Saturday morning ... debate whether or not to go for breakfast or whatever, and then just haphazardly plan your day. I've found that I'm able to somehow tumble into random invites to hockey games, dinners, parties just by going about whatever it is that I wanted to do. On the rare occasions that nothing happens I just go off and do something that I enjoy and that I can do by myself (but that seems to be a rare occurrence).

Anyways ... I guess I just wanted to say that it is possible to fall ass backwards through a semblance of a life with no plans, schedules or appointments, and I for one am glad ... it takes the decision out of indecision ;)

Ramble on Life

2007-04-07T01:37:00.000-05:00

Things just seem to work out the way they should. It's not a fatalistic point of view, but I do believe that everything happens the way they were meant to happen. It doesn't absolve anyone of their personal responsibilities, but in a sense no one should get upset when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan.

I think a person's attitude towards life in general will dictate how deeply something will affect them. Regardless of what they appear to be on the outside, their inner disposition will manifest itself in thoughts and actions. Therefore a person's general beliefs, etc. will help to determine how events unfold. Does that make sense? Basically if a person believes in karma, and that by doing good they tip the scales in their favor, then they unconsciously place themselves in situations that would bring about positive results.

For example someone who deals drugs is engaging in negative behavior. By placing themselves in this situation they've automatically increased the likelihood of something bad happening. Therefore when something eventually happens, a person can look at the law of karma and say "Well they deserved it."

This does not mean that bad things don't happen to good people, but I sincerely believe that good people will react to these bad things differently. Everyone is different. Some people will see a challenge whereas some will see loss and despair. Two people will have two distinct reactions to the same negative event.

So why all the philosophizing? No point really, just events and circumstance that sometimes get the mind working ... I guess the way things unfold aren't always what one hopes for, but it is as it should be ... to what might have been and could have been ... but not necessarily should have been.

Either that or this is just a late night ramble brought on by some conversation ... tomorrow can always be a brighter today if you let it.

... and I ramble on ...

my heart ...

2007-04-05T01:41:00.000-05:00

... goes out to a friend's family who lost an addition to their family yesterday ... while another continues to fight on tucked away in the sterilized environment of the ICU not knowing or maybe knowing how many people are pulling for him to beat the odds.

... goes out to my friend who sounded so emotionally distraught and was struggling with the idea of not having a niece, and perhaps not even having a nephew ... or being an uncle.

... goes out to my friend's sister who has wanted nothing more to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Who has had so much trouble, and felt so blessed and ... happy ... to be having not one but two children to call her own. Only a few weeks ago she beamed with the joy of an expectant mother. Now she sits in a hospital being the rock that her family can lean on.

People find strength at the strangest of times while others crumble believing all hope is lost.

In the grand scheme of things it's a sobering reminder that nothing in life is a given and that we should truly appreciate all that we have while we have it, and not after the fact ...

Everything's coming up ME!

2007-03-30T13:57:00.001-05:00

I've been on a glorious run of "luck" ... everything just keeps coming up aces. There were a few hiccups here and there (see: gnome), but besides that March has been spectacular!

Maybe it's because Spring is in the air, the sun has been shining, it's progressively getting warmer ... who knows? What I do know is that these past few weeks have been exciting, fun and a reaffirmation of everything wonderful. So far I've been able to go to two hockey games for free, I've avoided some potentially sticky situations (even though getting into them was fun), and I've had some not so sticky situations which were just exciting and definitely put a smile on my face. Babies have been born, parties have been had, and lots of great conversations with a varied mix of old and new friends. All in all ... not one thing that could be seen as a negative, and that's something worth celebrating.

I guess the key thing now would be to see how I can extend "this" ... whatever this is ... there has to be a way, and I'm going to find it!

See Ya Later ...

2007-03-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

See ya later ... that's right Harold has officially left the building, or in this case my pancreas.

Yup not a twitch or pang of pain ... it's all gone. I guess he just couldn't handle the low fat, no alcohol diet that I was feeding him. So I'm assuming he eventually just packed his bags and hit the road. I for one am grateful that the little bastard has finally left ... but as I look back on this little experience, I think it's important to take note of a few key lessons.

1. Too much of anything is never a good thing, no matter how much fun it could be at the time, eventually there are consequences. In this case a gnome set up shop in my innards.
2. Have to be more careful in the future, and just keep more of a mental note on intake, etc. Also ... I am reminded again of how I should trust my instincts. This is the third or fourth time in the past few months where I did not listen, and it always ended with disaster of some kind.
3. Gnomes are terrible little creatures ...

Anyways ... I'm just happy that Harold has left, and here's to hoping that he never returns.

In other news ... how crazy is it to think that there was a gnome living in my body? I really need to lay off ... whatever it is I've been eating, smoking or drinking ... :)

Harold, you little sh1t.

2007-03-22T13:12:00.000-05:00

Well … we’ve moved into Day 4 (or is it Day 5) and Harold seems content to be inhabiting my insides … although he is more like a f*cking little squatter than a taxpaying resident. I’m just hoping that he is bored and eventually he will leave for greener pastures … I’m hoping … hoping … hope.

I’m not desperate yet so I haven’t resorted to the begging and pleading, but the little bastard does have me a little worried. The last thing I need would be for him to take a permanent residence on Pancreas Lane. I will say that he seems to be content sitting on his ass at the moment not really doing all that much, but like anything unwelcome or out of place, you just know/feel that it’s there.

Anyways … it’s Day 4 … I’m hoping a couple of more scalding baths of hot chicken soup and other non fatty items will turn Harold off enough that he’ll decide to pack his bags and take off.

… and this time I’m not inviting him over for cocktails.

(the image isn't Harold in his current state, but it is what I imagine he is doing in there)

Me and My Gnome

2007-03-20T07:28:00.000-05:00

Well it's day two (technically day 3) of me and my unwelcomed guest ... the gnome. He is still there gnawing away and while still incredibly painful, he has somewhat relented in his attack. I've been busy drowning him in low fat chicken soup, and everything else that could be considered low fat ... translation: anything incredibly bland and boring to eat. Of course we all know what he wants and that's more alcohol and fatty foods but the joke is on you Harold (yes I've named him) ... none of that will be coming down my throat anytime soon ... hmmm that last sentence was ... nevermind.

I know I probably shouldn't kid around about this, but I learnt that worrying and stressing about things will really get me nowhere. In fact it'll probably just lead to more stress and worry ... so instead I've decided to look at it from a more comical point of view. As a matter of fact I've attached a picture of what I imagine the little bastard looks like (look at him, all smug sitting on his keg like he is the king of my pancreas).

So as day 2 progresses we'll see how much tea, water, and soup this guy can take before he completely gives up on his assault ... thank someone there's no demerol around this time, although it does make movies that much more enjoyable.

pushing my luck ...

2007-03-19T12:40:00.000-05:00

I knew this was going to happen ... I could see it coming from a mile away, and for whatever reason I chose to ignore all the signs. I guess I was all too happy to just go with the flow and all the activities that accompanied it.

Don't get me wrong the past few days have been incredibly exciting. Finishing my exams, going to the hockey game, keggers, Norwegian girls, St. Patty's day ... but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that all this fun would come at a price.

Now I sit here on a Monday afternoon, suffering through a pain that feels like a gnome gnawing away at my pancreas ... it's a punishing reminder that there are limits. Unfortunately I believe I've gone right past them and into ... this ... I curse myself for my stupidity ... God I hate this f*cking gnome.

... but what a weekend.

Reviewing past thoughts

2007-03-08T08:14:00.000-05:00

I was reading through some of my past entries last night ... I didn't realize it, but I have approximately 70 posts since the fall of 2005 ... it doesn't seem like much, then again I wouldn't think I had that much to say. I've never categorized all of them, but it makes me wonder how many were posted out of boredom ... out of anger ... out of whatever ...

It was just interesting to see where I had gone in the past year and a half as I explored everything from humor, to deep thoughts, to social commentary, and heart felt emotions.

Anyways here are some posts that I particularly enjoyed, mainly because they reminded me of why I wrote them, the situation and context they were written in, or the emotions I was experiencing at the tme ... of course sometimes it's just because I thought they were funny ... and slightly disturbing ...

Sh*t Kicking Retards
Victims of Circumstance
Words
Masturbating the Mind
I Can Change The World
What Does Sorry Really Mean
Humbled
Escape
And Then Boredom Hits
Understanding Being Misunderstood
Being Me

Enjoy!

Melon - Collie

2007-03-06T13:24:00.001-05:00

I think the weather plays horrible tricks on your mind and your body.

Staring out the window at the bright sun, and the blue sky you can't help but wish you were outside immersing yourself in spring ... but upon venturing out and exposing yourself to the elements, you realize that the sun isn't so warm, and the sky might actually be grey. You can't help but wish for the cold to stop, and for winter to end. You fantasize about endless summers and wonder why it couldn't encompass all 4 seasons. Above all else, you curse at yourself for not wearing a hat ...

The cold is bitter, it's damp and invasive. It's a cold that goes to the very core of your bones so as to provide a deep shiver that runs from the inside out.

It's not just your bones either ... not just your body, but it feels like your mind is slowing down. It's almost as though the blood circulates at just a fraction of its normal speed. Leaving you with a case of the "dumbs", unsure of what you feel or think as you try to interpret all the information coming through your senses.

OR ... maybe that's just me ... maybe I just feel this way because I'm tired and I crave the opportunity to do ... nothing.

Is doing nothing in fact doing something?

I wish spring was here.

Vertigo

2007-03-06T12:18:00.001-05:00

I was reading mimiinnewyork.blogspot.com, and I came across this entry titled "Vertigo" ... anyways I just thought it was an interesting read, especially since I feel like I've met someone like that in my life time ... it's not disheartening, but it makes you rethink what you thought, and see things from a different perspective ... or maybe I'm just overthinking things.

Vertigo
You know when you're right at the top, looking over, and you have that overwhelming desire to throw yourself off?

"Vertigo." he said. It's a fear of what you might do even when the rational mind registers the drop, acknowledges the inevitable mess that will ensue and still buzzes that furtive little message through the neurons, jump, jump.

I think I lack vertigo, which is how I've survived for so damned long. There was never any fear for the wellbeing of this body. What I was carrying around I couldn't give a shit about. So long as it was fed, drugged up, fucked and drunk, my body did me fine. It carried me where I wanted to go, and hell, if it hit the bottom hard, so be it. Smacked up, stung, soiled - I was loving every fucked-up minute of an existence I couldn't recall because the brain cells had been damned near destroyed by living too hard. I was falling, falling, falling, but couldn't remember the jump, and the bottom seemed to be evasive. So I tried a little harder.

My eyes were rolling and I could feel it along with the pang of a jaw strung taut, frayed elastic ready to pop with the gurning, and I couldn’t remember where I’d been, but I knew where I was, and when he opened the door he knew where I’d been because my eyes told him. So without a word he led me in, lay me down and there were no kisses, not that I remember, not that I could feel, but what I could feel was the drug shuddering through my body and my body following instinct not instruction. Instinct dictated what I did, because my head was incapable of it. I remember it didn’t hurt but from somewhere I felt like it should, and all the while I stared at the sordid red glow from the cigarette which dangled loosely from thick lips, burning embers and flecks of ash drifting into a sepia night, and from the light cast I could see that my body still looked young even as it felt so old, cold and trembling from the inevitable comedown. This time I think it did hurt, but by that time I was out, gone, on the move again, and the streets were quiet because it was 7am and France had not yet woken up.

He called me later when I was sitting on the bow of the boat, looking out across the harbour and the crew had gone to The Blue Lady. It was a pink sun, always a pink sun, and the Mistral was starting to blow, because summer was nearly over and it was time to go.

"You never said goodbye," he said

"No, I didn't." and I hung up, called the next one. "I'll be in Palma in two days. See you there."

Kept jumping right into the next addled day sodden with alcohol and the echoing, stark numbness of a beer-sodden soul still reeling from a chemical high and the smack of the night. I forget every man, but I remember every morning, my eyes wide and vacant, unable to speak. I'd sit at Bar Toni, down espresso and nod to the French guy with the curly hair and the dirty, long, yellow fingernails who sold me shit I'd sell to tourists for twice the price. I left my men like I left my boats: abruptly, before I got kicked off for turning up for work at 6am with no sleep and a jaw locked tight, clenched shut - whether through drugs or something else, I couldn't tell. Still can't.

In Palma he came with an unspectacular yelp like a small dog while his wife roamed the streets for him, calling a cellphone which beeped uselessly beneath the bed next to the suitcase and the flip-flops.

"I'd leave her for you, you know," he sighed, and he would, I knew it. He'd jump, knowing that the fall would be swift and clean and the result a carnival of crushed and splintered bones, intestines oozing like reptiles across a baked sidewalk. Whereas I'd just walk away.

When I got to Gibraltar he'd left a message for me. I ignored it. And then we sailed to the Canary Islands - which island I forget - and it rained, and we sat in a bar sipping Bailey's staring at the masts of sailboats kissing dirty grey clouds. He called me again.

"I want to leave her. I've decided. I'll meet you in St Maarten."

But I hung up, and when the Captain looked over to ask me what was wrong he caught my eye and smiled, and he knew, having mastered the exquisite art of falling, falling, falling for all eternity, without fear or retribution or spilt blood - ours, at least. I time them to perfection, my leaps over that cliff, waiting until the bow of the next boat noses close to mine and I can spring over in a perfect arc, clearing salt water licking at my heels, fall to safety, fall on my feet, hit the deck cleanly, half wishing I could feel the same sting that everyone else gets from the impact of earth punching body.

I'm always on my way out, ready to jump. Bag slung over shoulder, moving on, ticket in hand, a flight, a boat, a train. It's a solo occupation. On reflection maybe I never mastered the vertigo. I just lived with it until it became part of my soul, and every night was just jumping again and again, senseless, exalted, perfect. I don't know if I can give it up.

"I don't know if I can give it up," I told him at 7am after a night of hard drinking, and ash from my cigarette spilled like wine onto my lap. "I think that even though I want a normal life and clean living and everything to be nice and what it's never been, I know that at some point I'll get to that cliff, and I'll want to jump." It felt weird saying it out loud. But he was the one who told me about vertigo. And he said he mastered it by jumping, so that's something, at least. That's something.

"It's OK," he replied, and I could tell it really was. "'Cause if you get to the top, and you want to jump, I'll jump with you."

I wanted to say that wasn't the point, but then it occurred to me that maybe it was, and it would be OK after all. I thought some more. All I said in the end was "Thanks." But I think he understood.

My Tattoo

2007-03-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

Well I finally did it ... It only took 9 years, and countless wasted hours and designs, but I finally found the right one, the right artist, and the right time.

The original design was drawn in 2003 during a particulary tough time in my life. Coincidentally ... I found it in my sketch book while I was going through a terrible rough patch at the end of last year. It was just comforting to know that I'd been there before ... and that YES things do get better.

So ... I couldn't think of a better piece of art to have forever etched or "inked" into my skin. It reminds me of where I've been and where I hope to go. It brings me back to a rough time in my life, while reminding me that things do get better. Things move forward, they improve, and even though sometimes it may feel as the world is conspiring against you, hope and the promise of better tomorrows always win out.

(note: the first chance I get, I'll scan and upload the original sketch so you can see the transformation from drawing to tattoo)

so immature ...

2007-03-01T10:52:00.000-05:00

It's Thursday.

I have tomorrow off so today is essentially Friday. My mind is tired, and I know it's silly ... but I just find this picture too funny, and I thought it might make someone else laugh.

By the way isn't today a marvelous day? Nothing like fat kids in t-shirts blatantly whoring themselves out to remind you of how much fun a Thursday can be!

taking responsibility

2007-02-28T10:49:00.002-05:00

I say this with no trace of anger, malice, or resentment.

In reality I wasn't even going to address it as I think it's better to just leave it in the past, yet against my better judgment I am writing this here. I am not doing this to garner some reaction but I think I should provide or at least owe some explanation ...

I've thought about this and I realize I've spent far too much time apologizing, and far too much time feeling bad for things that I have said, when in reality I was simply speaking my mind.

I'm sor ... no ... It's unfortunate that a certain person had to read some of my previous posts, and it's too bad that they had to find out what I thought, but it is what it is and I will not apologize for that.

I guess they have a short memory if they thought this was the only time where their honesty could be called into question. There are too many other instances where I had always given them the benefit of the doubt because I "trusted" them. For once they were honest, and by their simple admission, they finally confirmed that my trust had been in fact misplaced.

In this case the person uses the truth like an accessory. They speak it only when it suits them, or serves their purposes. It's not that it is none of the other person's business, it's just that they would not benefit from it being known, OR it may work against them, OR it would be too hard and would force them to confront some things about them self that they would rather not acknowledge. It's selfish ...

In the end they were not who they appeared to be ... all their actions, their little lies and half truths ... I take all the blame for putting my trust in them, for always taking their side, and for always believing them.

I am not without fault.

I will readily admit that I was naive, and that some of my actions could and should be considered childish ... or boorish. It's my own fault for letting the whole situation drive me to behave in ways I normally would not consider. It was almost an ... obsession or at least I was obsessing ... I knew what was happening and what I was doing, but it did not prevent me from being asinine in my behavior, and becoming more of a nuisance than anything else. It was maddening but I wouldn't let go, and that frustrated me to no end. I guess I was chasing a truth that was more of a myth, or answers ... and even though many of the facts were right in front of me, they were not the answers I wanted to see or hear.

I am grateful that I at least realize all this, and hopefully these lessons will serve me in the future.

So now ... I thank that person.

I AM SORRY that you proved me right.

impulsivity

2007-02-25T11:33:00.000-05:00

A blog is supposed to be something to share thoughts, etc. I have trouble writing personal items on here ... I usually prefer to stick to generalities in order to mask identities, etc.

In some cases ... or at least lately I feel I've used this as a forum to vent. Vent my frustrations with situations and people ... and I always struggle with whether or not to publish. In some cases I publish certain items, only to delete them at a later date ... or I write items and save them only to publish them later on ...

In the heat of the moment, when I lay aside thought and type through emotions, I know I can say some pretty harsh truths, but that's what they are ... regardless of the words used to relay the information ... they are truth.

So why write this? It's not a disclaimer ... I know the weight of my actions and the consequences ... no, I'm writing this as an explanation as to WHY ... each post has a legitimate truth behind it, and while sometimes a posting may be a spur of the moment impulse, the ones that stay are exactly what I was thinking.

immature

2007-02-23T01:07:00.001-05:00

Some people just have no class ... I've come to realize that, and although it's taken me awhile, at least I know.

When you can't even be called upon to deal with something like a normal rational human being, than it begs the question "How f*ck'n old are you???"

No .... instead you have to make up some elaborate scheme ... oh this person emailed you saying this, WHAT? how did that person email you ... listen ... why don't you grown some frick'n balls and for once do something that is remotely mature and say what you really mean instead of trying to pass the buck off on someone else.

Honestly it's pathetic ... and it only makes me happier that I got out of it when I did ... so I guess I should thank you ...

I should thank you for being such an immature bitch ... and honestly ... that is exactly what you are.

honesty

2007-02-20T17:44:00.001-05:00

I try to lead a life of honesty ... I think that people sometimes veer from that path mainly to avoid certain small issues, but at other times they do it to hide inconvenient truths. I think more than anything else dishonesty has to be my biggest pet peeve.

I try and treat each and every person I meet with a few things ... a certain level of respect, some trust (if warranted), and above all else straight up 100 percent honesty. Unfortunately more and more I've come to realize that it's an idealistic view of the world, and of people. I know I've already said this before but ... my best attribute and biggest flaw are that I always try to see the "good" in people ... For the most part it serves me quite well, but I have to say it sometimes blinds me to the 1 or 2 percent of people that I meet who are incredibly dishonest, deceitful ... I guess there's a lesson in everything and meeting those kinds of people from time to time is just a simple reminder that "YES" these people actually exist and chances are that over the course of one's life you'll run into a few.

I guess the main thing to take away from this is that while "they" are out there ... it's important to remember that not everyone is like that. There are lots of decent people out there, and as long as you're as up front and as honest as possible, then the chances of meeting those "undesirables" is diminished.

Life lessons are sometimes hard, but they're honestly worth it.

Innocence of the Unknown

2007-02-13T21:11:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend not too long ago, and they were relating to me how one of their daughters had recently had a severe bought of gastro or some other malady. The end result being that the poor little thing was now afraid to poo ... mainly because of the fear that it would be as painful as when she was sick ...

It's funny at first when you think about it ... I mean as you get older you learn that things have a cause and effect relationship that inevitably leads to an end result. Therefore it's not hard to imagine yourself avoiding the cause if the end result is negative, or at least understanding the "why" of certain things.

When you're so young though ... it must be terrifying. Without that understanding it becomes difficult and in this case frightening ... in the face of the unknown the innocent are always fearful. At some point the unknown becomes known, and cause and effect can take their rightful place as guides for the future.

Not only about poo ... but I do hope she poos soon ...

Downtime

2007-02-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

There is a lot to be said for sitting alone at home ... with a glass of wine, a good book, and some good friends on the stereo ...

The overall effect is one of calm, one of peace, and a general sigh of the soul that releases all the stress and worries of the day. With every sip and every note played, it's as though one more thing has been washed out of the system. It's something that I haven't done in a long ... long time ... and now that I sit here in silence with nothing but Otis breaking his heart, the warm tingle of the wine as it passes past my palette, and the peace and calm to consider all things great and small ...

I wonder why I don't do it more often. Why is there always such a rush to move things forward, go somewhere, get something done ... sometimes, maybe not all the time ... but sometimes a little procrastination and a little time to be with yourself is just what you need the most.

R.U.C.K.U.S

2007-02-02T11:19:00.000-05:00

ruck·us (rŭk'əs)

commotion: the act of making a noisy disturbance
a noisy commotion; fracas; rumpus
A disturbance; a commotion

As I was alluding to earlier ... I've been feeling great, and with the weekend upon us, the weather warming, an early spring coming, and a rediscovery of everything that is eternally sunny ... I just feel a ruckus coming.

It's brewing, it's off on the horizon, but the winds of chaos and commotion are pushing clouds of joy and happiness this way ... and they're coming in a hurry.

So grab a hat and jump on board, there is plenty of room. For all of those reading this, today, tonight, this weekend ... this YEAR ... is the best time to create your own noisy disturbance or commotion of pure merriment ... why? ... because ... because there's no time like the present to push aside worries, stress and the monotony of the every day in exchange for that which inspires, surprises and warms the spirit.

SO BRING IT!!!

happy days

2007-01-31T11:02:00.000-05:00

Curveballs, screwballs, fastballs ... I'm on a bender, but this time it's happiness.

I guess it only ever takes a few moments of reflection to realize how the mundane is just that, and all the other events, occurrences, etc. are what's really important. It's been quite some time since I felt this ... free ... I'm not saying that ups and downs don't still occur, but I'm just saying that everything when taken in and evaluated comes up Aces!

It's definitely not the weather, it's definitely not work, or anything else ... I really can't put a finger on it, but whatever "IT" is, it feels fantastic. I guess that's all I needed ... a little time, a little perspective ... and some happy days.

Just thought I'd share that with whoever actually cares to listen ... I just like how it creeped up on me.

It slinks it's way toward you, until one day you it occurs to you that everything feels ... GREAT . You feel like anything can be accomplished, everything is within your reach, and karma is on your side.

Teeter Totter

2007-01-27T17:45:00.000-05:00

Like a thief you enter my mind ... slipping in through some window that was left open, a door that was ajar ...

When all seems safe, and there is nothing but peace and calm throughout the house, you make your entrance. Slipping past the security, bounding up the steps, and entering again to a place you once occupied. It's an intrusion ... it's unlawful entry ... it's not fair.

... and yet I let you. So the scales tip back and forth, like a swing swaying not knowing if it's up or down or up again. It's my fault for not locking up, for not taking the time to make sure that all the doors are bolted, windows are shut ... I guess I just like the breeze and fresh air to waft through. It keeps things fresh and open.

... and yet I let you ... so back and forth, to an fro, here and there ... and here again.

Friends: Fairweather vs. True

2007-01-23T11:20:00.001-05:00

Something just occurred to me ... and it was something that would pop in and out of my head now and then.

People who run at the first sight of trouble are not your friends. They are only there for the good times. They don't want to see or deal with the "you" that is down, depressed, sad, etc. Those aren't the qualities of a real friend.

Even when you just want people to leave you alone, the ones who pester you, who are always asking you how you are doing ... those are your true friends. They ask because they care ... they see you in pain, and by association because they are true friends ... they are in pain. It's selfish to think that you don't affect others.

These are the people that you can count on. They are the ones to celebrate in your joy, and to pick you up when you are down. They are the people you cherish and hold on to, otherwise you'll surround yourself with indifference.

So when you get back up ... and those other people come around ... you need to ask yourself "Where were they?" ... and if a hearty "F*ck YOU" were to escape your lips, I'm sure your TRUE friends would agree.

The Last Act

2007-01-16T19:03:00.002-05:00

For whatever reason I haven't listened ... Not when friends were telling me how screwed up the whole situation was, not when action after action hinted at something evil ... I kept pushing on with blind faith.

My biggest fault ... and it's something I really need to work on ... is that I only see the good in people. It's not always a problem, but in certain instances I let it mask the truth, and so I don't look past the shiny veneer of good to see the large dark ugly mass of bad lurking in the back.

Why am I writing this? Mainly because it recently dawned on me that this person is not who they say they are ... not who they believe they are. My part in the whole drama was letting myself believe the lies they said ... letting myself be taken in by the show and the character they were portraying. In the end the wall cracked and I was finally able to see past everything ... to stare at the darkness hidden in that person and I now realize that I should never ever want to associate myself with someone ... or something like that.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that there are truly terrible, horrible human beings out there. I don't know if they realize it but they are walking contradictions. How can you consider yourself to be respectful or respectable when you're actions indicate otherwise?

The tough part is knowing that they can seduce you with their lies ... with their act ... and blind you to the truth.

Escape

2007-01-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

Just a few quick questions and hopefully I'll keep this short ... although I've said that before.

Why is it that we turn to alcohol, drugs, etc. to escape our problems? Where is the benefit in that? How are we really helping ourselves? I can speak from personal experience in saying that it doesn't really benefit anyone ... especially not ourselves.

I guess running from problems defeats the purpose. Problems exist because it's a situation that requires thought to formulate some solution ... drinking, etc. just leads to a momentary numbness that doesn't allow you to come up with any solution. It does provide you with that escape ... that numbness that allows you to believe you're existing without having to deal with ... anything. In reality though you can't be numb all the time. It's just not possible. Your body rebels for a reason. Comfortably numb doesn't exist and for those who believe they have found it are simply in a state of denial. What kind of life do you live when you're numb all the time? How can you not feel ... how can you deny yourself the basic necessities of being human ... emotion and thought ...

There is no escape from life ... sh*t just happens ... it's how you deal with it that tells the world just what kind of person you are ... there is no escape.

Mean People Suck

2007-01-09T23:18:00.001-05:00

It's something that everyone knows, you see it on bumper stickers, tshirts, coffee mugs ... so it's definitely not news to anyone. The problem is when you let them affect you ...

I don't know ... I guess I've come to the realization that I have a tendency to see the good in people. It's not always a fault ... sometimes it's a good thing, because I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. People deserve second and third chances. You never know what they're going through ... but ... sometimes people really are ... I don't know, sometimes that's as good as it gets. Sometimes people don't deserve another chance, because they haven't sorted out their own issues and until they do, they can't be counted on. You can't think that they will have the decency to at least treat you like a human being. Sometimes people really are untrustworthy, dishonest, deceitful ... and you just have to accept that. It's the sad reality of life.

My tendency to see the good is what allows people to walk all over me, and disrespect me. I guess I'm just too damn "nice".

If ...

2007-01-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more ; you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

Insomnia

2007-01-03T02:24:00.000-05:00

The one thing I crave the most is sleep ...

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I'm thinking too much period. How do you clear your head so you can just pass out? The three hour time change certainly doesn't help matters ... actually the three hour time change is probably the main reason I am sitting here reading my old posts.

It's interesting to read things I wrote in the past under various circumstances. I would have to say that most of it was in either some reflective pause, anger, or sadness ... I was actually looking for ones that were more light hearted and humorous, but those were few and far between. I guess it reflects my state of mind over the last little bit ...

Part of me was tempted to delete some of them, just to clear the clutter of the doom and gloom ... but after reading them I think it would be wise to keep them. To remind me of where I've been and where I want to go ...

Now if only I could get some frick'n sleep ...

On a sidenote ... with little sleep I apparently jump all over the place when writing. How do people concentrate long enough to write entire books? ... and now there's one more thing to think about ..

Honestly Speaking

2006-12-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

What a crazy year it's been ... starting off so low and building to such great heights only to come crashing back to earth again ... I guess the optimist in me would say at least things have been eventful, exciting ... never a dull moment. Seems like everything but the kitchen sink was thrown my way ... love lost, love found, lost again, love ... health issues galore ... friendships ending, friendships beginning ...

I guess it's just life, it's what was in the cards for 2006 and I for one am grateful that I've survived it all, and that it's coming to an end. These experiences will serve me in the future, and life lessons aren't always sugar and spice ... sometimes it's a good kick in the teeth.

Truthfully though, I'm ready for a little routine vs. the madness that has been my life these past couple of months, and thankfully it looks as though things are starting to wind down as the New Year approaches.

I've definitely grown in too many ways to count ... but if I had to pick one aspect that I'm most proud of, I would have to say it's speaking up with honesty when I actually have something to say. I guess in the past I would have let doubts and fear hold me back ... but I've realized that holding it in is far worse ... and that's the truth :)

See you in two DOUBLE O - 7!

I miss you

2006-12-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'll keep this one short.

So here it is ... I miss you, there I said it. I don't know why. It's been months since I've seen you, it's been weeks since we've spoken - I mean really spoken - and yet here I find myself thinking about you, wondering what and how you are doing, and generally missing you. You're laugh, our conversations, and just ... you.

Silly huh? Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just a result of too much thought, but I don't think so. I've sorted it all out in my head and this is what I'm left with ... I guess I just don't understand how someone can say so many wonderful things one week, and then turn it all off the next. I don't expect any explanations, it's something I realize I'll never get the answer to ... but that's it ... after all the thinking, etc. this is the one thing I wonder. Is it something I did, was it something else ... who knows ... and so I sit and wonder.

At one point I felt pathetic for even thinking this ... but in the end, I know I'm just being honest and if that's how I feel then that's what I should say.

I guess you left a bigger footprint than you thought ...

Karma or Fate or Both

2006-12-23T04:32:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've neglected this little space of mine ... I've opted to go back to a more traditional form of thought tracking (i.e. pen and paper) ... I'm also not completely sure I'm ready to really express all my thoughts. I guess I think some things are better kept private. If I had to sum it all up though ... I guess confusion, chaos, off balance, emptiness, melancholy, up, down, and anger would be some words I would use to describe it ...

Back to the reason I'm here though, Karma or Fate. Are things meant to happen or do things happen because of prior actions? On the one hand you have karma which means that all events have a direct root cause in your past. Something that you've done directly or indirectly plays a part in your future. In this sense when things are great you can only congratulate yourself ... and when things are bad, you can only blame yourself.

On the flipside you have Fate. Fate dictates that everything happens the way it was meant to happen. Life and all that encompasses occurs just as it should. There can really be no blame, and regardless of whether or not you understand it things will occur as they should. This can be comforting in the sense that all the negativity arises from outside forces that you have no control over. At the same time anything that could be labeled as "good" is also not of your own doing.

Overall I find people have a tendency to believe in one or the other ... I have a tendency to believe in both, unfortunately I believe in karma for the negative and fate for the positive which actually means that anything good comes about not from my actions, but from an outside force. All the negativity occurs due to past actions that have somehow triggered a series of events ... in the end you take no credit for your accomplishments, and all the blame for your failures. Depressing isn't it?

I don't think you can believe in both ... I think I need to choose ... or maybe I need to choose option D: "none of the above".

Miss Communication

2006-12-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

Alright I'll be honest ... over the past two months I've been concerning myself with someone who just doesn't deserve any concern. Yes I'll finally admit that I wasted my time caring about someone who really doesn't care and really doesn't deserve to be cared about.

It's very harsh to say something like that ... in most circumstances I would agree ... but this is a special case. When someone refuses to communicate ... when someone refuses to be mature, to be an adult and explain their reasons ... when someone does that not once, but on a consistent basis, I think you need to stop making excuses and start realizing the ugly truth. The truth in this matter, is that for whatever reason that person is just not mature enough ... or for whatever reason (probably a fcuk'd up past where this would be considered normal) they just don't understand that what they are doing only perpetuates the problem. In the end they will be doomed to repeat the mistakes that have been made, and in the end ... unfortunately ... they will lead a life of unhappiness until they are willing to accept their faults and do something about it.

So why am I writing all this? Mainly because I realize that I've been looking for answers, and blaming myself for things that really weren't my fault. It took a few friends to make me realize this, and to them I say thank you ... to that person ... I say I am truly sorry you don't seem to have the courage to make the changes that would really change your life for the better. Unfortunately in the end, after all is said and done you really do come across as an immature bitch. Maybe I'm being harsh because you really did hurt me ... or maybe I'm just telling the truth. You decide what it is, but something tells me this isn't the first time you've heard something similar.

I would have loved to have been able to talk to you about all this, but I really believe you would never have given me the chance, so instead I'm left blurting this out into cyber space ... sad isn't it?

Yes ... I'm talking to YOU ...

GROW THE F*CK UP

2006-12-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

Here is something that I just can't stand. People going out, doing stupid things, and somehow dragging me into the fall out from said stupidity.

News FLASH you're grown ass adults take some frick'n responsibility for your actions and deal with it ... don't bring me into any of it ... don't try to make me feel bad for something stupid that YOU did. It's as if people want to place the blame for what they've done on someone ... anyone ... just so that they can feel like they've been wronged and nothing was their fault.

Well I'm not buying it. I'm not dealing with it ... I really don't care how you feel, or if you're uncomfortable, etc. You know what, you're an adult, you want to be treated like one, then realize that YOU made the decisions, YOU did what you thought was fun at the time and now YOU should deal with the repercussions. Don't bring me some sob story about this or that ...

Seriously GROW THE F*CK UP and realize that yes there are actual consequences to your actions and maybe you should pull up your f*ck'n diapers and deal with it yourself. Quit acting like a baby ... because if that's what you are then I have no time to deal with you or you're petty little problems.

Here's some milk and a bottle ... you can suck it.

Stopping the stt ... stt .. stuttering

2006-12-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking for what feels like forever ... I said I had lots on my mind and here is what it boils down to ... I'm an idiot.

I'm by no means perfect. I doubt anyone is, and it's those imperfections that make everyone unique. That being said I realize my two biggest faults are my tendency to dwell on the past, and my inability to sometimes see the difference between constructive thought, and over thinking. Both faults serve me well in the work environment, where experience and logic help to find better solutions to current problems. It's turning off the "work me" when it comes to dealing with my life that I have to admit is infuriating. Actually lord knows how many times people have wanted to and I've wanted to beat myself silly, and if I could I would, but I can't ... so instead I've got to just accept it, and make some changes.

The past is there to guide me. Dwelling on it, and thinking of things that could have been done, etc. is ok up to a certain extent. Knowing the limit is something that I'm working on to improve, because past a certain point I've come to realize you start letting your past dictate your future. I don't want to do that. I want to learn from my past, but then I want to move forward.

Thinking is great, and everyone should reflect on their issues ... but once again nitpicking over details, and over analyzing items until you see 50 solutions to one problem is overkill. It only leads to indecision, when sometimes maybe most of the time the right answer was right there in front of you.

I know I've said similar things in the past ... so why am I still talking about it? I think when things go bad you look for tried and true methods ... it's comfortable, you know how to go about it, you've done it before. I told myself I wouldn't but once things hit a certain point I think I just succumbed to it all ... because it was easier NOT better.

So "moving forward" and looking to tomorrow is something that I am working on. It's not an overnight process, but as long as I keep it in mind, things will improve. "Why do things happen?" is not something I'm going to concern myself with anymore. I'll accept it, learn from it, and move on ... all I can do is sit in anticipation of tomorrow.

In all honesty, I'm much happier being the person that sees the humor in life rather than the person trying to find the meaning behind it ...

I guess it's just frustrating to know all of this about me ... to know that I've known this for a while ... so why don't I listen?

I frustrate myself.

don't understand

2006-12-05T14:10:00.001-05:00

I don't understand, maybe there is nothing TO understand. I did what I thought was right ... but then why doesn't it feel that way?

I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I did something ... that I didn't just let it sit as I would have in the past. So maybe it didn't end up the way I thought it would, not even really close. I should take solace in the fact that I tried.

So why do I still feel uneasy? Why do I feel like instead of correcting a wrong I just added one more?

I really think too much ...

humbled ...

2006-12-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

Sorry haven't been posting as much ... I guess I've just been busy, and in my attempts at quelling my propensity for over thinking, I've been avoiding sitting down to write. That being said, just thought I would keep this one light.

Something happened on Friday that just makes me laugh, and apparently makes other people laugh (you know who YOU are ... i admit it's funny) ... at myself. Let me lay out the scenario. I was downtown and had just registered for a few classes at the university. It was a miserable day, with rain coming down and the temperature hovering somewhere between water and snow ... which inevitably leads to ice. I was heading up to the bus stop when I saw that MY bus was there ... I was too far away and decided that I would just have to suffer and wait for the next one. Fortunately or unfortunately the fates provided me with a traffic light, stopping the bus, and allowing me enough time to make it ... problem is I had to run.

So now we've covered the environmental variables, the events, and the thoughts running through my mind.

I sprinted up the street, getting drenched in water with each step, although I figured it would be worth it as long as I could make the safety and warmth of the bus. I got to the door and put on the breaks when certain laws of physics came into play ...

problem 1 - there's ice all over the sidewalk
problem 2 - I was really booking it
problem 3 - these shoes were made for walking ... not coming to instant stops

I'm sure you can all figure out what happened next. I slipped ... I fell ... I slid ... right ... by ... the window. I got up dusted myself off, and with what little dignity remained, I made the conscious decision to get on the bus even though I wanted to just keep on walking.

I got on the bus - which was full by the way - and quietly stood in all my soaking glory, trying hard to not acknowledge the fact that my entire ass was dripping, or that I could feel a hundred eyes staring and people smiling ... brutal. So I did what anyone would do ... I stared into space and pretended that everything was ok ... while I tried to not laugh at the entire situation, but I sure was grinning like an idiot.

Definitely one of the more humbling moments of my recent past ... but I'll admit, if I saw that happen to someone elsee ... I'd probably be laughing too :)

MY LITTLE blue book

2006-11-29T19:34:00.000-05:00

I was going through some old papers and I came across an old mini blue book which I've had for longer than I care to remember. I've always used it for scrap paper, or when I needed to jot down some numbers, notes, lists, etc. ...

Anyways I was just sitting here when I accidentally opened it to an earlier page. On it was a letter that I had written to someone in 2001 ... 5 years ago ... I quickly went to the beginning of the notebook and slowly made my way through it. Memories of those troubled times sitting in my apartment came flooding back ... I remember the confusion, the heartbreak, the depression ... the seemingly endless amount of bad luck ... As I turned every page, I could see the frustration and the struggle to justify my self worth as I searched in vain for jobs - a "career". Even the positions that I applied for would slowly degrade, until by the very end I was willing to settle for anything ... Interspersed throughout, were notes to myself regarding my search and my life in what appears to be some sort of feeble attempt to cheer myself up.

Well ... eventually I did find a job, but it required moving back to my hometown. The move ended up putting a strain on a relationship that was strained as is, and I think it set into motion a chain of events that would eventually tear us apart 2 years later. My little notebook details all the items for the move, as well as the contempt I felt for that person. I thought they just didn't understand, when in reality I don't think I understood.

At that point in my life all I cared about was finding a job ... I thought that was everything, that it was all there was in life. I guess I had been raised to believe that a successful career equals a successful life. The funny thing was in the end I lost that job because of September 11th. (Yup ... our financial backers were in one of the buildings that fell.) What followed was more confusion, more self doubt, and more moving except this time it was across the continent. Once again the lists piled up, items to bring, positions to apply for, mixed with notes to myself questioning what I was doing ...

What's my point?

In the end I've come to realize that a successful career doesn't really mean much, at least not to me. It merely provides me with the necessary means to do what I want. I realize that what I do with my life is much more interesting and is a far better gauge of success. Through it all my little blue book has itemized my priorities at any given time, given me check lists of things to do, to remember, etc. ... and reading it now shows me how far I've really come and what I've accomplished.

Back on September 21st, 2001 I wrote something terrible ... I seemed to truly believe that my world was falling apart. Now I sit here - 5 years later - still in one piece, with great friends, a great family, a better "career", a better set of priorities ... and now, a better perspective.

the endless pile ...

2006-11-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm walking through an endless pile, with each step sinking me deeper and deeper. Once in awhile a step forward takes me higher ... up ... and out, but the next step inevitably brings me back down even further than before.

It's a tease ... a taste of something that you want and as quickly as you can have it, it's taken away from you.

What am I talking about? The chain of events that for one reason or another keep coming wave, after never ending wave. I thought that for the most part I was past the bad, and it was on to the good ... so then why am I back here? Why do things keep happening?

It just makes me wonder when and if things will get better. Actually ... I know things WILL get better, that's not the problem ... the problem is WHEN. I'm growing rather impatient with the fates, god(s), forces that be ... I'm almost afraid to ask how much worse it can get because I know it can get worse and I'm afraid someone/something might answer.

I'm just very tired of having to deal with one thing or another ... I'm also very tired of writing about doom and gloom, I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of the negative thoughts, and the endless amount of cliches people tend to feed you in times like this ... most of all I miss ME.

You know what ... I'm done. I refuse to be dragged down by any of it anymore, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm dragging others down with me. No more whining, complaining, bitching ... because honestly as exhausting as it is to talk about and think about, I'm sure it's just as exhausting to have to listen to it ... for what feels like YEARS now.

It, whatever "it" is had it's moment, and I think now would be a good time for an exit. So I'm putting an end to it ... right ... now ...

... but before whatever is responsible for this endless pile can get out the door ... I'm going to grab it, and choke the living sh*t out it ... :) Who hasn't ever wanted to do that?

where am i?

2006-11-26T01:36:00.000-05:00

This could be a long one so I hope you've got time ... Everything happens for a reason ... or at least that's what I've been told.

Things work out the way they should ... blah blah blah.

I find it funny where everyone is in life. Some people are just learning about themselves, other people think they have it all figured out ... I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone, but I don't think you ever really know ... I think you can figure out certain situations, I think you are always learning about yourself, and I think you can figure out you "right now" but you never really have it all down and set in stone. If you do, then that's too bad ... because no one is ever prepared for everything.

So much has happened over the past month and a half ... and most of it ... actually all of it was not good. I wonder if this is karma coming back to kick me in the ass for the terrible things I've done. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in karma, because it means I deserve this somehow. Maybe this is just a down time ... or maybe this is the result of too much thought. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't fun.

I still haven't thanked that person ... I still miss them, and I still care about them deeply. At least I figured that out. (I hope you read this because I want to tell you all this ... i also want to let you know that you truly inspired me to do something good and worthwhile, not only for myself but for others, for that ... thank you.)

I feel like a coward for writing this here. I should be saying it to that person with my own voice instead of words just thrown into cyberspace. I wish I had that chance, or that opportunity to do so ... I still have hope that I will, but as every day passes ... I just don't know.

So where am I? It depends on the day ... right now though ... I'd have to say somewhere between here and there ... I thought I would have more to say, and I do but part of me says this is neither the time or place.

First Steps

2006-11-25T03:05:00.000-05:00

wow ... I've had quite a few posts this week, I guess I've had quite a bit on my mind ...

Today was officially my first day in something completely new.

I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive at first. I didn't exactly know what to expect, but all I can say is that I'm glad I went. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be but at the same time it's exactly what I wanted. The kids were great, and although they were a little hesitant, some of them did warm up to me by the end. (I think something about me being shorter than some of them had something to do with it ;)) Granted it's obvious that some ... maybe most of them, have issues that can't be understood in the short amount of time that I spent with them, I think as long as I'm honest we'll come to understand and respect each other.

For those who are curious, the center is in a part of an old church. They provide computers and internet, there's a pool table, fooseball, weights, arts and crafts, a small kitchen ... and a variety of other items to keep the kids entertained. The center is open 7 days a week at set hours. Every day has a different "main" activity associated with it. For example tomorrow is dancing, Sunday is basketball, Tuesdays are cooking, etc.

After some initial awkwardness I spent most of the night talking and doodling. Apparently the kids were impressed with my drawing skills, so I spent a majority of my time teaching some of them how to draw waves, flowers, and faces. I also helped a 12 year old draw a train for her new baby cousin, and a 16 yr. old understand her english assignment. Interspersed throughout the fun and games ... I observed ways in which the kids interacted with each other, spoke to them about their day, as well as learned how to broach some sensitive subjects. They're all really good kids who have just had some tough breaks ... whether it's a broken home, anger issues, being in and out of foster care, etc ... but with all they are going through they somehow are succeeding, and I think a lot of the credit goes to the volunteers at the center.

Overall I would have to say it was ... exciting ... liberating ... and definitely very grounding. I guess you never realize how great you had it as a kid until you aren't one. I do know I'll be back, and I know it will be more than once a week.

First steps ... all things have to start somewhere, and I'm pretty pleased with these ones ...

Invictus

2006-11-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

People have asked me about my quote ... it's from a poem written in 1875 by William Ernest Henley. Henley was crippled by tuberculosis, and in the hospital he began writing free-verse impressionistic poems. This is one of his more famous ones, and it is titled Invictus, which is Latin for ..unconquered...:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the budgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how straight the gait,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

understanding being misunderstood

2006-11-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

There is nothing quite like being misunderstood ... everyone passing judgement on what you say or do, but by the very definition of being misunderstood you never get a chance to defend yourself, or at least no one is willing to listen ...

In the end you're just frustrated and tired. You have no more fight left in you and you realize you just have to ... stop, and suffer through it. People looking at you as though they know ... but they don't.

It's like wanting to shout but not having a voice. It's like drowning.

Being perceived in a false light or blamed for things that are not necessarily your fault, but no matter what you do you can never express it, you can never get your point across ... no one wants to hear it. The thought is formed ... brain to muscles ... muscles open mouth ... throat adjusts ... lungs inflate ... deflate ... and .... nothing. Nothing comes out, and yet the idea is there stuck in your head. You can almost hold it in your hands, but for whatever reason no one can see it ... or maybe no one wants to see it.

Do you know what I mean? ... Do you understand, or am I being misunderstood?

Mind F*cked

2006-11-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

I think I need a vacation from ... me ... I just spent the first half of the day thinking that it was Friday, even though there were several indications that it was not FRIDAY.

Let's go over some of the items that should have given me a clue ...

1. paycheck on my desk ... that only happens on Thursdays. Saw it, acknowledged it, and then put it in my drawer. clueless ...
2. Coordinated a large push from our DEV server to Production for tomorrow ... tomorrow being Friday. All smiles, lots of head nodding, lots of agreement on the process for tomorrow, and plenty of use of the word Friday. Once again ... apparently no one was home because "FRIDAY" did not register ... if I could I would beat myself silly ... and not in that way you sick bastards.
3. Conversations - many conversations, with different people ... all ... frick'n ... morning. Things that were said "So you can review those resumes and we'll discuss them Friday morning", "We'll push the code FRIDAY morning.", "Happy thanksgiving, are you going out for the big sales on Friday?" ... notice the multiple use of the word FRIDAY ... it's peppered throughout all the conversations, I even made use of the word, yet for whatever reason it did not seem to register.

Apparently the little "me's" in my head have taken today off ... you know what screw it ... I'm taking today off too! See you later productivity and constructive thought ... I'll check back with ya on Monday ... DAMNIT I still have tomorrow ... ughhh. I don't care Monday it is ... tomorrow will be interesting.

yes i am this bored that i am writing about something as mundane as forgetting what today is ... thank god it's only september ;)

an update on changing the world ...

2006-11-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

Thought I would take the time to give an update on the progress of my plan ... it's only been about a week now (Wednesday November 15th) since I first thought of this ... thing, idea, epiphany ... or whatever else one might call it.

Anyways in that week I've contacted a friend about helping out at a teen center, as well as being available to help with all charity events, etc. I'm actually supposed to start this Friday which is pretty ... awesome (for lack of a better word) ... but this is just a band aid soultion in terms of my overall goals. Although, I am hoping it exposes me to a number of ways in which help can be provided, as well as different causes.

In looking ahead further down the road, I've also been researching various organizations. Some are local and some are international ... either way I'm open to both. The list so far includes the YMCA, Montreal Children's Hospital, United Way, UNICEF, Habitat for Humanity ... and then a few more local community care groups, and some other large organizations. I'm still looking into as many as I can ... My main goal by trying to volunteer with some of the more well established organizations, is that I hope to get into a position where I can get a better view of how they run. What is needed, what is involved, how does it all come together ... between the community, funds being dispersed, etc. I guess you can say that I view it as an education. I hope to be volunteering at one of these larger organizations by early next year.

Overall my plan is proceeding at ... an acceptable pace. I'm obviously not going to change the world over night ... No ... first I need to gain more experience, get a better understanding of how everything works, and make the necessary contacts. From there I think it will be easier to set something up, as well as recruit like minded individuals. So what is the plan? It's still on a 5-10 year timeline although, I'm definitely pushing for 5. I hope to have narrowed my focus on what "cause" etc. by the end of year one, although ideally I would like to be able to handle many at once. Kind of like a different branch of the same organization, each branch dealing with a specific cause but sharing the same pool of resources. As of right now I'm leaning heavily towards a non-profit organization, that has more of a global reach ... but realistically I am willing to start local. It has to be self sustaining ... as much as possible I would like to avoid having to depend on grants, and fundraisers. In the beginning I imagine I would split time between that and work, and hopefully by the end of the 10 years I'll have enough capital, time, etc. to move over permanently ... of course these are all just ideas, things may happen sooner ;) ... call me crazy if you want, but wish me luck.

On a side note, it'll be interesting to see where "this" is in a year from now ...

What does sorry really mean?

2006-11-21T10:08:00.000-05:00

I've thought about this question for some time, and I think in most cases "sorry" is just a word ... I think some people get so used to saying it that they forget it's meaning, and what is involved with the act of actually expressing it ... Certain people use it as easily as saying thank you or good bye and for those few, it loses it's meaning. It becomes something said in passing with nothing behind it.

BUT ... in certain instances ... when sorry is said with heart and conviction, I believe it takes on a whole other meaning. It fulfills it's definition of the idea or sentiment it is meant to convey. Sorry expresses regret over actions or events that have occurred. It tells the person that if possible, the individual offering the apology would gladly go back in time to undo things that have occurred, prior mistakes, words exchanged, etc. Unfortunately we cannot change the past, and so in it's place we can only offer a heart felt sorry, one said with a firm belief that truly expresses the regret that person feels for what may have transpired.

The final and most important part about the idea of sorry, is that it requires two people. Sorry only fulfills it's true meaning if the other person is willing to believe that the sentiment is true and pure. They have to be willing to accept it ... otherwise sorry is just something that vanishes into thin air ... where no one will see it.

What could've, would've, and should have been ... I am sorry.

I can change the world ...

2006-11-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

I can change the world and I'm going to ...

How I'm not quite sure ... yet, but I know I have time, and I have a true desire to do so.

Over the past year I've wanted to do something ... some sort of volunteering or anything that I thought would be helpful to someone else. This feeling had been intensified these past few weeks when I was trying desperately to help someone who I care about ... and while I don't know if I can ... after much thought I realized that this desire did not need to stop ... I guess it's all a part of growing up.

So where does that leave me? I'm not quite sure. I've began the initial steps of formulating a plan in my mind. It's still very rough ... but I think with enough thought, and effort, it is completely feasible. In 5-10 yrs. from now I would like to have some sort of foundation set up ... to help people ... How will I help them? I'm not quite sure, but I have time to figure it out. What I do know is that I would like to set it up like a business ... so my current path is more or less a training period. I also hope that should everything work it would give me the initial capital to start, and then additional funds can be acquired through fund raising, and grants ... I've also taken the initial steps of volunteering through a friend. I'm hoping by doing that it will give me some idea as to the what, where or how of my plan. All I do know is that this plan is at least 5 years away ... and that I would like it to be global, and not local ... I think it's all very feasible as long as I remind myself of why I am doing it.

I know people probably think I'm crazy, or that this is just a thought for "now", but I've really put a lot of time in thinking about this, and the people that know me know I think a lot ... I guess time will be the true judge ...

So why am I writing this? I guess so I never forget ... and to that person, although I don't know if I'll ever say it directly to you but I hope I do ... thank you.

words

2006-11-13T00:45:00.000-05:00

I love words. There is nothing better than a sentence that is strung together so perfectly, that it becomes ... poetic.

Words are powerful and beautiful, as they can create emotion, express ideas, and formulate passages that pass the test of time and last for the ages.

But words have their limitation ... without a voice and heart to express these words, sometimes words are just words ... and you rely on the reader to interpret what is being said by the writer. You rely on their feelings, their experiences and their thoughts to color your words with their voice and heart.

Sometimes, maybe most of the time they understand ... but sometimes your words fail you, because without your voice ... they are just words.

Emotion

2006-11-12T19:01:00.000-05:00

What are they really?

I've been trying to find a definition for them, and so far the only thing I seem to be able to find are arguments over what emotions really are. Are they psychological, how are they different from feelings ... how does 'affect' come into play.

Robert Masters makes the following distinctions between affect, feeling and emotion: "As I define them, affect is an innately structured, non-cognitive evaluative sensation that may or may not register in consciousness; feeling is affect made conscious, possessing an evaluative capacity that is not only physiologically based, but that is often also psychologically (and sometimes relationally) oriented; and emotion is psychosocially constructed, dramatized feeling."

dramatized feeling? I don't know ... all I know is that those feelings, emotions, affect ... whatever can take a person from the most glorious highs to the most desolate lows. It can make people act in such hurtful ways or it can open people to endearing kindness ... It's so powerful and yet no one can agree on what it really is. I mean there are definitions of what emotion are but no one can say for sure.

Life is certainly a lot more interesting when you allow yourself to be controlled by your emotions. Unfortunately I think some restraint is always necessary ... so that you can find a balance, and maybe keep the highs not so high ... but the lows not so low. There has to be a happy balance somewhere. It's just hard to recognize what that may be ...

anyways ... all I know is that right about now, if there was an emotion for pathetic ... then that's probably what I would be.

a little thing called TRUST

2006-11-10T20:12:00.003-05:00

What is trust?

I always thought that trust is something you give someone ... and it's up to them to show that they deserve it ... but once they've lost your trust, then that's it. It's easy to give trust, it's hard to earn it back once you've lost it.

Why am I talking about this? I don't know ... there are so many unanswered questions that I have ... and the more and more I look at it, the more and more I feel like my trust was misplaced. I feel cheated.

It's hard because by my very nature I'm a trusting person. I think you make life too hard for yourself if you're constantly trying to judge people's intentions. Unfortunately I think some people realize that, and because of that they play it like a game. I guess people's pasts too often control their present, and they let it decide for them, willingly or not how they treat each situation. It's too bad that these people don't see how they only hurt themselves ... yes it hurts whoever is involved, but at the end of the day, those people can move on. The ones making these decisions are merely doomed to repeat them over and over again, which leads to one cluster fcuk of a life.

I guess the tough thing is to stay true to yourself, and realize that you're going to get hurt ... but what's the alternative? To become more jaded? To hold back and not say and do the things that better reflect who you are as a person? No ... that's not an alternative I'm willing to accept. For better or for worse, I still believe that there is good out there. That people who are genuinely warm, considerate, truthful ... and honest actually do exist.

I guess the lesson here is to strike a balance. Somewhere between being jaded and being trusting there's a gray area ... still it's such a terrible realization to know that a person cannot live life so positively. That everything still has to account for the negativity, and the dishonest people out there. It shouldn't be a game, you shouldn't have to question each action ... you shouldn't have to be weary of every word ... You should just be able to trust that person and in turn know that they trust you. I guess I'm a dreamer ...

... in the end ... all I know is karma is a bitch ... and what goes around comes around. Fortunately for certain people it'll keep coming and coming ... and the funny thing is they're the ones scratching their heads asking "Why me?"

... missing someone ...

2006-11-08T18:28:00.001-05:00

Why is missing someone so hard? Does anyone know?

It feels like an empty space in my mind, soul, body ... but it's not just empty it feels like someone took something, and they didn't replace it with anything except ... air.

Now it just sits there ... this big empty space, and you can tell that there was something there. The dust and dirt are neatly lined around the spot it used to occupy. I just want it back. Whoever took it can please return it anytime they want ...

Missing someone hurts ...

Killing me softly ... with thought

2006-11-05T21:35:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm just one of those people who can't let anything go ... I know that about myself, and yet I can't help it. When I start ... I just pick and pick at something until I'm pretty sure that the world is upside down, the sky is falling and we're all going to die.

I HATE THAT!!! Nothing like realizing the world is coming to an end on a Sunday ... and you haven't even eaten dinner yet. Don't you hate that ...

Of course the world never ends, it isn't upside down, the sky is not falling ... everything is going to be ok ... I know this. I can tell myself I know this ... but I can't let it go. Why? I think I just like the mental torture, maybe I'm a masochist or something. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose. I think maybe it's time to just let it ... go ... or at least I need to learn how to let things go. This just can't be healthy ...

In all seriousness ... this is a problem, and it's only going to cause trouble. I need to learn to stop thinking so much. To stop analyzing things, and to start taking things for what they're worth.

What's in a song?

2006-11-04T16:10:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been reminded of how much I love music. Now I'm not a big fan of reading poetry, but I find the lyrics to a well written song are just as poetic. I guess they're the evolution of poetry, set to music, a beat ... and a voice.

I think when a song is well written, and the voice used to express it are on point ... the song becomes something more. Music has the power to move and inspire, to make one reflect, to bring about emotion ... It's a good friend on a cold day, or a happy companion in the sun, either way it's very powerful.

That explains why I keep posting lyrics to songs. The lyrics by themselves are really meaningful - to me at least - but when taken into context, with my mood, the music behind it, and the voice it becomes much much more.

I guess that's why I'm not as into modern music as I used to be. I find that not as many artists focus on all the aspects of their music. I find some just work on the instruments, while some work on the lyrics, and not many focus on the whole package. It's a shame because there are a lot of musicians out there that I'm sure could compete with the best, but for whatever reason no one wants to hear them. Instead we're force fed a steady stream of shit ... like we're too unintelligent to handle anything more.

That's why I'm currently back into soul and early R&B ... a lot of Otis Redding and Etta James. I find that although their songs may sound simple, their voices, the time when they were written, etc. it brings a lot more weight to the songs themselves.

A Life With No Regrets

2006-11-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

Living life with no regrets has to be one of the hardest things you can do ...

There are so many decisions to make, and roads to take ... it becomes easy to get confused and follow paths that aren't the ones you want. This leads to more confusion which can only lead to more regrets.

I'm no expert, and I don't pretend to know how to live a life without any, but you can make the simple choice to always stay true to yourself. You know what's best for you, and if you make your decisions knowing that you are doing so because it is what you WOULD do and would WANT to do .. then I think you can be true to who you are. By doing that, you can't really regret any of your decisions.

I find that most regret usually comes from taking other people's advice, without putting it into the perspective of you and your life. While advice is great to receive, if you don't relate it to you then all it becomes, is something that has more to deal with how THAT person would have behaved in your situation.

... being true to yourself will lead to a life with no regrets ... or at least very few. Just something I was batting around in my head ...

Free Me

2006-10-31T11:17:00.000-05:00

Just listening to my music, and came across this song by Otis Redding ...

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Free me darling
Don't hang me up
Let me go from your love, now

Just like a prisoner
You got me chained and bound
Unlock 'em, Let me go, let me go
Get 'em from around

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Free me baby, Let me go, Turn me loose
From your love, now

You know I did love you, yeah
Do anything in the world for you
I try my best, I try my very best, yeah, please
The way your treating me
Keep me in misery

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
To walk away
It's up to you
To say we're through

Free me baby, let me go, turn me loose baby
From your love
I got to tell you, Listen this
I know sometime
I wonder do you really love me
And if you don't, if you don't
You got to let me know
Let me go
Your love is not shown
Break these chains
Make them tearing apart
Let me love again

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Let me go, darling
If you don't want me
Free me
Let me go
Unchain me
From your love

- Otis Redding 1969

A Change is Gonna Come

2006-10-31T11:13:00.000-05:00

This song was originally written by Sam Cooke ... but it's been covered many times ...

I was born by a river, oh my
In this little old town
Just like this river
I've been running ever since
It's been a long

Lord, I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come, now
Oh yes it is, my oh my oh my oh my

It's been too hard livin', oh my
And I'm afraid to die
I don't know what's up there
Beyond the clouds
It's been a long

Lord I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come
Oh yes it is, my oh my oh my

There's a time
I will go to my brother, oh my
I would ask my brother
Will you help me please, oh now oh now
He turned me down
And then I asked my little mother, oh my oh
I said mother, I said mother
I'm down on my knees

It's been time that I go
Lord it's too late
Very long, oh now oh

Somehow I thought I was still able
To try to carry on
It's been a long
Lord I'm coming but I know
That changes gonna come
Oh yes it is

Huh, just like I said
I went to my little baby brother, oh my, my little brother
I asked my brother, brother help me please, oh now
He turned me down
And then I go to my little mother, my dear mother, oh now, huh
I said mother, I said mother I'm down on my knees

But there was a time that I go
Lord it's too late
So very long, oh my oh
Somehow I thought I was still able
To try to carry on
It's been a long
Lord I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come, oh
It's been so long, It's been so long
A little too long
But changes gotta come
So tired, so tired of suffering
Standing by myself
Has given up a home
But changes gotta come
You know, you know that I know
And I know that you know
Honey, That a change is gonna come, oh now, oh my
I gotta...

- Otis Redding

Hanging out with me, myself and I

2006-10-29T23:25:00.000-05:00

I know this is quite the departure from all my posts so long ago, but lately I can't help but think about things. Good, bad whatever ... maybe it's just a phase, who knows, but sometimes it definitely produces some rather interesting thoughts. This weekend has been a particularly good one for just that. Don't worry no over analyzing. These are strictly observations ...

Just sitting here and thinking about all the things that goes on in life ... it's pretty amazing. All the things you go through, all the people you meet, conversations you have, notes you exchange, things you see, things you hear, things you taste, things you feel, people you affect ... I wonder if anyone could ever truly catalog everything that someone could experience throughout the course of their life?

There is so much that you or I as an individual can go through ... and then when you start to consider how many people are out running around in this world, and all the things they are experiencing, doing, living through ... it's mind blowing.

For example at any given moment, someone is crying, someone is laughing, someone is eating, someone is going to bed, someone is waking up, someone is hurting, someone is thinking that this is the best day of their life ... and it just goes on and on ... it's insane.

Now think that you're just one person doing all those things, and multiply it by however many other people are living in the world right now ... it just makes you feel so insignificant. The really cool thing - and I first thought of this while tree planting - if you look up at the sky, you know there are people out there looking up at the same sky you are at the exact moment you are. By doing that, even though we're all apart, it's as though we're connected ...

That's all I wanted to say ... it's just a thought ... and somewhere out there someone else is thinking the exact same thing I am.

ok ... that was my philosophical discussion of the day ...

... the calm ...

2006-10-27T22:49:00.000-05:00

Something happened to me this week which made me realize just how out of whack my priorities have been lately. I've been rash, illogical ... basically I haven't been myself. I haven't been thinking clearly ... Then in the blink of an eye I realized that I was so far out from where I want to be, and was left asking "How did I get here?"

It was one of those things that when it happens to other people you say "That's terrible.", but until it happens to you ... I don't think the weight of it all actually hits you until it does. When it did ... all I can say is that I realized I had let my priorities slip out of order, and that a majority of the confusion ... the stress ... etc. ... it was all my fault. I had brought it upon myself without realizing it, and in all honesty I would have probably let it continue ...

I always knew what my priorities were but in "getting caught up in the moment" I let the order get blurry ... Then something happened that just made me realize that a lot of the things I thought were so important really weren't. At least they weren't in the long run ... they were more of "right now" priorities and issues that I was forcing instead of letting the flow of everything run it's natural course.

So what's the answer to "How did I get here?" I guess it comes down to a matter of control, at least for me it does. Like most people, I like to think that I'm always in control or at least have some sort of control over what happens. Like most people when that perception of control is lost, you end up doing anything you can to regain it ... but the reality is, there never was any control in the first place. Recognizing that and then adjusting accordingly brings this ... calm ... It's just a realization that not everything can be controlled. Things happen, regardless of whether or not you want them to. I know most people know that, and we all accept it as common knowledge like a bad cliche ... but we still forget. We let the moment seize us instead of the other way around ...

You know it's true ... but at the specific time, when you're in that moment, you forget and you frustrate yourself with the why's, the who's and the what's when it isn't even your responsibility. They're happening for the simple reason that most things happen ... just because. I'm not saying that a person can't influence certain situations, and that your actions don't play a part in things happening. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't forget that things WILL happen. Nothing is stagnant and everything is constantly moving. The time, the pace, the rate at which all these things occur are simply out of our control.

So instead of focusing on what you can't do, it's important to work on the things that you can. How you read situations and how you react to situations are two things that are completely up to you. I believe everyone should get what they want in life ... the only reason that people don't get it is because they won't let themselves have it ... and that is usually because they're too focused on the control aspect of things instead of working on the reading and reacting ... We get so focused on trying to get a hold on a situation instead of trying our best to read it and react to it positively, therefore that affects you negatively, by leading you to more confusion, more of this sense of loss of control, and so on ... and so on ... and so on, like a never ending spiral away from where you want to be.

Of course who am I to make that judgement ... it's just my opinion, and I guess you can say ... it's just fate ... Where does fate stop and control begin anyways?

Mind Bending Minutiae

2006-10-26T21:21:00.000-05:00

That's where I'm at bending the wrinkles out of shite ... usually when life gives me potatoes, I make vodka .. but right about now, there's nothing to fix this crap ... especially not vodka.

At least that's what it feels like. I mean none of this would be so bad if there just didn't seem to be so much. It's almost like every other day it's something new ... just God's or the Fates' little way of saying "Hey there sunshine, let me shove this up your a$$."

All in all ... I guess I really shouldn't complain. There are people out there that have it far worse. It's just that right now ... especially right now, Murphy's Law seems to be humming along at 250 MPH ... Whatever can go wrong, will. Pick anything, ANYTHING, and I can tell you what's going wrong ...

I thought I would say more, but I'm just too damn tired of thinking about all this crap ... hence the title of this post ... MIND BENDING MINUTIAE. I guess that's just life ... What did I say before? Life handing out a lot of strikes but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are ... DAMN IT I hate it when I'm right. I don't want to be a hypocrite either, so I guess I have no choice BUT to deal ... hmmm, I think that's pretty much it.

I guess I just needed to vent. Venting into cyberspace. So that someone in New Dehli can read what some lunatic Canadian is writing about. Dude will probably call me up to see if I need some customer support.

For more on Murphy's Law click here.

something to think about ...

2006-10-25T10:19:00.000-05:00

Sorry for getting all political, I just thought it was an interesting letter written by someone who was there ... This was originally posted here

The people of America have been done a great disservice under their current administration. At least they still have a couple of things left - a voice and a vote. This report from a US soldier says it all.

"After Pat’s Birthday"

Posted on Oct 19, 2006

By Kevin Tillman

Editor’s note: Kevin Tillman joined the Army with his brother Pat in 2002, and they served together in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pat was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Kevin, who was discharged in 2005, has written a powerful, must-read document.

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we got out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.

Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,

Kevin Tillman

HAHA ...

2006-10-23T09:05:00.000-05:00

Being ME

2006-10-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

For better or for worse, I am who I am. I think what I think, I do what I do, and I say what I say ...

Sometimes people like to think that you should change accordingly as each new situation arises ... but that's not true. You ADAPT, but you should not CHANGE. You do that, and you're not true to yourself ... you're not true to who you are, and the only person you hurt is yourself. You learn from your mistakes, you learn from your experiences, you learn from the past ... so why throw all of that out the window? ... Doesn't make sense.

Takes a while to figure that out, but when you actually figure it out ... why should you ignore it? Why should you disreagrd what took you all that time to learn ... for ... for what? For nothing ... screw that ...

I believe if you stay true to who you are ... things work out the way they should. Maybe it doesn't always work out the way you want it to ... but in the end, once all the dust settles, it works out the way it SHOULD HAVE. Tough to realize, but ... it's the way things work, and it lets you live with no regrets ...

Never ever regret anything in life ... if you regret something ... it's only because you didn't do what you should have done ...

A life without regrets is one worth living ... not hard to remember, but hard to live by.

Over-Analyze

2006-10-18T14:02:00.000-05:00

an..a..lyze.. [an-l-ahyz] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
..verb (used with object), -lyzed, -lyz..ing.
1. to separate (a material or abstract entity) into constituent parts or elements; determine the elements or essential features of (opposed to synthesize): to analyze an argument.
2. to examine critically, so as to bring out the essential elements or give the essence of: to analyze a poem.
3. to examine carefully and in detail so as to identify causes, key factors, possible results, etc.
4. to subject to mathematical, chemical, grammatical, etc., analysis.

That's the definition of analyze .. so I'm assuming its safe to conclude that over-analyzing would be overdoing whatever all that is ..

The reason I bring it up is because "analyzing" seems to be one of the things I'm really good at. Unfortunately .. "over-analyzing" is the trap that I constantly lead myself into.

Need to stop thinking so damn much .. that's all. Just wanted to blurt that out .. makes me feel like the first four letters of that word ...

It's hard to be patient ...

2006-10-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

Kind of funny that patience would be my next entry ... I mean especially after understanding.

Well patience seems to be something I'm short on at the moment. Maybe it has something to do with being drunk RIGHT NOW ... but I like to think alcohol is more or less a "truth serum". I find most people say the things that are weighing heaviest on their minds when they are drunk ... so that's what I'm doing.

Patience ... everyone seems to believe that I should have that ... like I actually have loads of it. Truth is I don't, or at least it feels as though I've used up all of it. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so damn confused, but it doesn't look like the gods have that in the cards for me. Oh well what can you do?

So patience ... what does it really mean, and how does one act when they are patient? Really? Seriously? Everyone has their own definitions of the word, but no one seems to be able to give me a clear and definite definition of the word ... what does that tell you?

Be patient until then ...

Doesn't that drive you crazy?

Understanding

2006-10-15T01:31:00.000-05:00

Just a random thought ... but it was something that came to me in my horoscope of all places ... yeah I know "Since when has a horoscope been right?", but still ... what it said held a lot of truth.

It said "Understand your past to fully live in the present." Now I don't know about you, but that seems to have a lot of truth to it.

You learn so much from your past, and I definitely would not be here if it wasn't for it ... I've learnt a lot ... and however painful some of it may have been, I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything.

With all the good times, there definitely comes some bad, and if you aren't willing to deal with that, then you're lost from the beginning. I realize I am ready for that ...and that's what makes me stronger. Just knowing that, accepting it, and being able to handle ... it ... makes me a better person.

That's why I'm glad for good friends, great conversations, and even better times. It all comes down to a matter of understanding that life dishes out a lot of strikes ... but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are ...

with my own two hands ...

2006-10-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

These are the lyrics to "With My Own Two Hands" originally by Ben Harper, but I like the version by Jack Johnson and Ben Harper together.

I can change the world
With my own two hands
Make it a better place
With my own two hands
Make it a kinder place
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

I can make peace on earth
With my own two hands
I can clean up the earth
With my own two hands
I can reach out to you
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

With my own
With my own two hands

I'm going to make it a brighter place
With my own two hands
I'm going to make it a safer place
With my own two hands
I'm going to help the human race
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

With my own
With my own two hands

I can hold you
In my own two hands
And I can comfort you
With my own two hands
But you've got to use
Use your own two hands
Use your own
Use your own two hands

Use your own
Use your own two hands

With our own
Our own two hands

With our own
Our own two hands

With my own
With my own two hands

Lacking Creativity

2006-10-14T16:03:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've taken the time to do anything creative ... not very healthy. I think it's good to sometimes put down everything else and just do some thing for yourself ... something interesting, something that uses your mind, exerts energy - physically or mentally. Kind of like an enema for your soul.

Anyways ... where was I? Oh yeah enemas ... no that's not it. Soul cleansing. Things that I've found to work for that are running, walking, being alone with a good book, great music, drawing, writing ... just using my mind more than anything else. I'm glad that as time passes you learn to solve your problems faster before they drown you. Or at least you can be more realistic about things and understand them without needing to always have the solution.

livin' life without certainty isn't always bad, and it definitely keeps you from getting bored, although having a few truths always helps. That's where I'm at ... a few truths, a few maybes, and some uncertainty ... It's that "not knowing" that will usually break you ... which is why I've just had to accept that you control the things that you can, and trust that everything else will reveal itself eventually.

Spoken like someone without any worries? You don't even know ...

Summer Heat

2006-07-17T17:59:00.000-05:00

Sweating ... it feels as though that has become my full time occupation. It's almost as if I and the chair my ass is planted in are becoming one. The heat is melting my skin, my clothes, and slowly fusing everything together. The only thing that is currently stopping them is the sickening layer of sweat that seems to have formed across every inch of my body.

But how can you complain? In the winter it's so cold that you feel like one small mistake and you're snapping half your ass off like an icicle ... and then in the summers it's just the opposite. Why isn't there a happy median? Or maybe we just complain to much, when what we should really be doing is enjoying the golden sun, and the warm weather. I always say ... in the winter there isn't much you can do about the cold, but in the summer at least you can swim, wear less ... or drink fruity drinks with a little umbrella in it and lots of booze.

Temple of the Dog

2006-03-01T20:45:00.000-05:00

A dog's wet dream? A canine's pleasure toy?

Dogs from all around the world will stare at this photo and drool, in the same way that young prepubescent teen age boys stare at the lingerie section of the Sear's catalog and drool ...

It's been awhile ...

2006-02-27T13:53:00.000-05:00

A lot of time has passed since the last post, so I thought I would share a pretty picture or two ... Got it off of this site for those who are interested.

Revenge is SWEEEEEEEEEET

2005-11-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

wow ... I mean ... wow ... It just goes to show the lengths people will go to for a little revenge. Click here to see what I mean. Seriously though, I can no longer be considered a sick, twisted f*ck when there are people out there that actually do that.

But first let's break it down:

Dude missed his ex, even though they mention twice how he has moved on, and has a new love.
She called him up, picked him up, and brought him over. She then crazy glued his nuts to his leg, clamped his ass shut, and stuck his dick to his stomach. Finally she woke him up and sent him packing buck naked in the middle of the night. (INSERT: Small round of applause for coming up with something that just brings a warm feeling to the lump of coal in my chest.)
He is suing her for damages because he's had to make numerous visits to the doctor, and she claims it used to be part of their sex lives ... the whole gluing shit together ... because yeah ... that's just HOT!

Does anyone see where I'm going with this? So this guy has "moved on" has he? So if I understand this correctly moving on means having a girlfriend, but missing the ex enough to agree to meet ... which is fine ... and then getting all hot and heavy to the point where you're naked and passed out. Obviously this guy has moved on and he probably was just looking to stick it in one more time ... unfortunately it was one too many.

If you ask me ... dude got what he deserved. I say congratulations to the psycho bitch for coming up with this, but here's a question for you honey - premeditatted crazy gluing body parts together just screams CRAZY! Maybe that's why no one wants to go out with your sorry ass! Seriously ... most people get drunk, take up a hobby or try to preoccupy their time with something else, BUT not you! Nope instead you think of ways to crazy glue his sack to his leg, and shut his ass. Now that is nutty ... but at the same time I can appreciate the time, effort, and thought you put into it.

Honestly ... I wish I could have seen the doctor's face when this guy showed up. Here are some thoughts that might make you chuckle:

How do you keep a straight face when this guy takes off his clothing and everything is crazy glued all over the place?
Also with his nut attached to his leg, how do you walk without tearing, or at least causing yourself extreme pain? My guess is ... he used baby steps.
Next up - taking a dump ... It must have been a real pain in the ass to squeeze one out, and on top of that just imagine trying to clean in there ... Some one must have wreaked of shit - literally.
Finally - peeing. I hope to God that when she glued his cock, she made sure that it was pointing directly up and toward his face. HAHAHAHAHAHA

So there you have it ... proof yet again, that while I may be somewhat disturbed, there are bigger retards roaming the Earth.

p.s. Am I just old? or do all couples use crazy glue ... I mean for my personal knowledge, is that the new "in" thing to do? Also, as long as she is crazy gluing everything, why didn't she crazy glue one hand to his pecker, and another to his ass ... just a thought, oh well maybe next time she'll get it right.

p.p.s. I'm guessing this guy no longer has a girlfriend, and hopefully all of his friends laugh at him ALL THE TIME!

... what not to do with your spare time

2005-10-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

I know I said my next topic would be America's fascination with fast food (see previous post) but this was too funny not to put up. And by funny I mean that there are people out there who have some serious issues.

At least the article has something to do with food ... although not in a good way. And by not in a good way I mean telling your barber that they're the ugliest person you've ever met while getting your 10 dollar haircut.

masturbating the mind

2005-10-25T11:38:00.000-05:00

... jerking your soul ... slapping five with the big snake ... ummmm ...

and I'm back with another wonderful entry to entice all you non believers into believing in, well ... nothing really. I have nothing to peddle, no sh*t to shovel, and definitely no gruel to eat. mmmmm ... gruel .... fungus .... cheese ... Nope absolutely nothing. So why am I writing? I really have no idea. Chances are the lepers have escaped from the farm, and are playing baseball with Bobby Lee's arm and ... well I won't say what their using for the ball ... and I definitely won't say what their using to catch said ball, but let me say that their using various sacks for the bases. Sacks filled with sand, to give it that base feeling. Especially when you step on it - unfortunately some of these sacks are still attached ... umm you know where this is going.

Anyways I have yet another question that perhaps someone out there in cyberspace can answer for me. Blogs ... who has any interest in reading these things? From my understanding there are a few kinds ... one gives opinions on various subjects, others try to be informative and focus on one specific thing, and then you have the others (much like this one) that seem to be for personal use. I find it fascinating that some people feel the need to write down every little sh*tty thing that happened to them that day. What's even more interesting is that some retards actually post comments. Like "OH my God, I feel so bad that you got your period ..." Seriously peoples who fu*k'n cares? Why do you actually care if some twat got her period. Or some moron was able to jerk his pug off. I mean really, you have nothing ... I mean NOTHING to do? Literally ... you could be researching the cure for cancer, or trying to help starving children, but instead you sit there and type some comments about some ass munchers sh*tty day? WHO CARES about their shitty day ... damn it, I have shitty days 90 percent of the time, and I don't sit here going over every crappy little thing ...

I know ... some of you are thinking "Well what are you doing that's so different? Isn't this personal." First of all how about a little less yapping and a lot more SHUT THE HELL UP. I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing. I'm sitting here procrastinating. I have other more serious things to do, it's just that from time to time I enjoy sitting around and typing some random BS ... I'm simply pointing out that there are a lot of tools out there that feel the need to do this multiple times a day, and not only that but there are people that actually read all of the posts and submit comments. I just find the whole thing odd, and considering what a sick demented pervert some people think I am, me finding YOU odd is not a good thing. On the not a good thing list it would be second right below a thousand papercuts on any appendage and then swimming in a vat of rubbing alcohol ... you know the burn and pain will get through the clothes at some point. (I'll let you pick which appendage .... but here are a few suggestions for those lacking imagination - penis, ass, back ... my personal favorite NIPPLES ... ouch can you imagine how much that would hurt? ... no seriously let's just think about that for a second ... papercuts ... thousands ... on your nipples ... rubbing alcohol .... owwww)

Where was I ... oh yeah I'm just procrastinating and I will never ever take this blog thing seriously. So for all of you who do ... eat a big metaphorical dick ... or a real one if that's more to your liking ... with plum sauce, and a healthy serving of nuts to round out the meal.

see ya later ...

next week's topic ... "America's Fascination with Fast Food" or as I like to call it "Putting the F back in FAT B*TCHES" or "Making Rosie one Filet-o-Fish at a time" or "Paying Ronald to sh*t down my throat and I'm Lovin' It" or "Having the Pillsbury Dough boy pump me full of 'frosting' and laughing about it all the way to the bank." ... you get the idea.

Sh*t Kicking Retards

2005-10-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh .... just a quick side note regarding the title of this latest post. By 'retards' I do not intend to mean those who are mentally deficient due to some neurological or genetic defect ... no by 'retards' I mean individuals who should be functioning at a normal or at least somewhat intelligent level but for whatever reason being idiots, slow, dumb, stupid … basically are retarded in their functioning … see what I mean? If you don’t then you, yes YOU may actually be one of the ‘retards’. Also by sh*t kicking, I don’t mean that they themselves are doing anything of the sort, I am trying to say that given the chance I would LOVE to kick the living sh*t out of them. Yes that’s right, kick them so hard that they actually release – even if it’s only a pebble – a small piece of themselves. Sounds sick doesn’t it, but think about the immense amount of satisfaction that would bring you.

Now I’m not an angry person although judging by my posts it would seem that way. On the contrary, I would rather be discussing the various ways of implementing a large dose of pleasure into my life. This could be through manual stimulation, mental stimulation, or by purchasing that one item that for a small amount of time would bring you great happiness. While I don’t always agree with people’s choice of items (i.e. prostitutes, children, small furry woodland creatures), I cannot really get upset with them because that is what brings them happiness. In some cases it could be flowers, in other cases it could be a priceless artifact that you then give to someone else. In other cases it could be said artifact that you then smash into itty bitty pieces with a club fashioned from the severed arms of chimps – they were bad monkeys – while the person that you would have given the item to watches and cries an endless river as you gleefully giggle and drool and smash and … ummmm … So yeah not usually angry … sick maybe, loopy perhaps, angry not really …

Anyways where was I … oh yes sh*t kicking retards. Is it just me or does it almost seem like the world is going down the crapper. I mean the proportion of idiots seems to be growing. Far worse than the spread of any disease, plague or natural disaster is this new … I don’t even know what to call it … anusism (defn:The increase in the amount of dumbasses walking amongst us.) Maybe all these new plagues, etc. is God’s little way of saying “My bad, let me clean up some of the mess.” Maybe he accidentally used a little too much ass when making a batch of people … who knows but for whatever reason they’re everywhere and it’s driving me nuts. I don’t necessarily want to pummel, beat or kill them, but it would be nice if we could just transport them to some small island somewhere, let them fend for themselves, and mark their location on a map with the picture of a big ass … then … once it becomes financially feasible, I could fly my jet over the island and blast the sh*t out of them with some napalm. I could even charge other people for the opportunity to do so – I know each and every one of you know of someone you would like to do this to …

So that’s it … I am trying to end Anusism. All those who are with me, if there is anyone out there … you’re a sick sick individual. What moron would follow any of what I have just proposed … YOU my friend are now the first person on that island may the napalm torch/touch your soul.

p.s. for those who know me … sorry … it’s been a long morning, and the little man in my head has yet to awaken, leaving me free to these random and sometimes violent thoughts …

Michael Jackson, a Priest, and a little boy ...

2005-10-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

... walk into a kindergarten ... do I mention the bucket of lube now or later?

hehe, oh come on! You know that some of you are tickled pink at the idea, I mean it's not like that really happened or anything. Anyways on to the reason that I'm here ... as usual there is no reason, it's just that I have some time and felt like updating my blog with some insightful thoughts. You know, to help create conversation around the water cooler, or in your local brothel, or nunnery ..... mmmm ... nuns ..... rulers .......... sheep

Ummm, back to the reason I was here, or actually the reason I am here. Whiny people. I can't stand them. Anyone that whines deserves a thorough ass kicking ... actually they deserve to be left alone with Michael Jackson, a Priest, and one large and very horny Mastiff (it's a dog) ... oh AND NO BUCKET OF LUBE. Seriously it bothers me - I'm sure not as much as I bother some of you with these comments but - I just can't handle it. People know what I'm talking about, that person that just whines and whines until he or she gets their way, and if they don't get their way, well then at least they've ruined what could have been a good time for everyone. Makes me just want to beat something ... now some of you may think I'm just an angry child, or maybe I ate one too many paint chips, but seriously ... don't you people hate that? Drives me nuts, and contrary to popular belief I am not nuts ... just special ...

Sooooooo here is my proposition to all of you who actually read this stuff ... who has the best idea for what you could do to whiny people? Personally I would love nothing more than to subject them to a ceramic beating (please see last posting), although to be honest with you, that Mastiff is becoming one of my favorites.

Which brings me to my next point ... do people actually read this stuff, and if they do .... do you not have anything better to do? I mean ... you're reading something written by someone claiming to be a jermil .... I could think of animal porn sites that I'd rather be looking at ... mmmmmm .... animals .... sausage .... apples ..... ahhhhh .... See that makes absolutely no sense, but for whatever reason some of you are actually trying to put all that together (personally I would use seal pup, salami, and a nice bushel of granny smith apples, feels fantastic on your feet, and is really good for your skin ... of course what you do with all three is up to you)

until next time ...

..... and then boredom hits

2005-09-30T14:25:00.000-05:00

Alright ... I was completely satisfied with not doing anything and then boredom hit ... There is only so much surfing you can do before you feel like typing something, plus this way it lookss as though I'm busy. Anyways here is something that really bothers me - people who take other people's stories and try to pass them off as their own. What's even worse is when the story is your story and the person telling it has forgotten that you were the one that told it to them in the first place. All of a sudden you're in a bar, room, wherever and this person starts going on about this hilarious thing that happened to them, and in most cases it would probably be pretty funny ... except for the fact that it's you story!!!

In an attempt to remedy this situation I have decided to take the following actions to the next person who tries to pass my story off as their own:

Point out that it's my story, and then make fun of them for not having a life of their own until they are thoroughly humiliated ... if they consider suicide as their only option then so be it.
Follow their story and humiliation with an even more humiliating true story about them. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet somewhere, and nothing says sweet embarassing revenge like telling everyone about the time that "X" crapped themselves while trying to squeeze one out ... and this is not in reference to anyone I know now or ever ... maybe ...
If after 1 and 2 they still do not consider suicide as a viable option .... then bludgeon them with a ceramic p*nis (Clockwork Orange for those who are clueless)

So there if after all that ... the person still insists on passing your stories off as their own ... well then there is no hope for humanity, and you may as well just take a dump in their heating duct when they aren't looking so that for months and months they will be confused by where that smell is coming from ... where IS that smell coming from????

What is a Jermil?

2005-09-30T14:22:00.000-05:00

A jermil is a small furry animal ... it's half me and half gerbil ... they can be found in tight, sweaty crevaces, and can usually be coaxed out of hiding with beer. Therefore Jermil's cage are thoughts from a jermil from his cage ... see how this all comes together?

That my friends is a jermil ...

p.s. people feel free to expand on this definition of a jermil.