an update on changing the world ...

Thought I would take the time to give an update on the progress of my plan ... it's only been about a week now (Wednesday November 15th) since I first thought of this ... thing, idea, epiphany ... or whatever else one might call it.

Anyways in that week I've contacted a friend about helping out at a teen center, as well as being available to help with all charity events, etc. I'm actually supposed to start this Friday which is pretty ... awesome (for lack of a better word) ... but this is just a band aid soultion in terms of my overall goals. Although, I am hoping it exposes me to a number of ways in which help can be provided, as well as different causes.

In looking ahead further down the road, I've also been researching various organizations. Some are local and some are international ... either way I'm open to both. The list so far includes the YMCA, Montreal Children's Hospital, United Way, UNICEF, Habitat for Humanity ... and then a few more local community care groups, and some other large organizations. I'm still looking into as many as I can ... My main goal by trying to volunteer with some of the more well established organizations, is that I hope to get into a position where I can get a better view of how they run. What is needed, what is involved, how does it all come together ... between the community, funds being dispersed, etc. I guess you can say that I view it as an education. I hope to be volunteering at one of these larger organizations by early next year.

Overall my plan is proceeding at ... an acceptable pace. I'm obviously not going to change the world over night ... No ... first I need to gain more experience, get a better understanding of how everything works, and make the necessary contacts. From there I think it will be easier to set something up, as well as recruit like minded individuals. So what is the plan? It's still on a 5-10 year timeline although, I'm definitely pushing for 5. I hope to have narrowed my focus on what "cause" etc. by the end of year one, although ideally I would like to be able to handle many at once. Kind of like a different branch of the same organization, each branch dealing with a specific cause but sharing the same pool of resources. As of right now I'm leaning heavily towards a non-profit organization, that has more of a global reach ... but realistically I am willing to start local. It has to be self sustaining ... as much as possible I would like to avoid having to depend on grants, and fundraisers. In the beginning I imagine I would split time between that and work, and hopefully by the end of the 10 years I'll have enough capital, time, etc. to move over permanently ... of course these are all just ideas, things may happen sooner ;) ... call me crazy if you want, but wish me luck.

On a side note, it'll be interesting to see where "this" is in a year from now ...

What does sorry really mean?

I've thought about this question for some time, and I think in most cases "sorry" is just a word ... I think some people get so used to saying it that they forget it's meaning, and what is involved with the act of actually expressing it ... Certain people use it as easily as saying thank you or good bye and for those few, it loses it's meaning. It becomes something said in passing with nothing behind it.

BUT ... in certain instances ... when sorry is said with heart and conviction, I believe it takes on a whole other meaning. It fulfills it's definition of the idea or sentiment it is meant to convey. Sorry expresses regret over actions or events that have occurred. It tells the person that if possible, the individual offering the apology would gladly go back in time to undo things that have occurred, prior mistakes, words exchanged, etc. Unfortunately we cannot change the past, and so in it's place we can only offer a heart felt sorry, one said with a firm belief that truly expresses the regret that person feels for what may have transpired.

The final and most important part about the idea of sorry, is that it requires two people. Sorry only fulfills it's true meaning if the other person is willing to believe that the sentiment is true and pure. They have to be willing to accept it ... otherwise sorry is just something that vanishes into thin air ... where no one will see it.

What could've, would've, and should have been ... I am sorry.

I can change the world ...

I can change the world and I'm going to ...

How I'm not quite sure ... yet, but I know I have time, and I have a true desire to do so.

Over the past year I've wanted to do something ... some sort of volunteering or anything that I thought would be helpful to someone else. This feeling had been intensified these past few weeks when I was trying desperately to help someone who I care about ... and while I don't know if I can ... after much thought I realized that this desire did not need to stop ... I guess it's all a part of growing up.

So where does that leave me? I'm not quite sure. I've began the initial steps of formulating a plan in my mind. It's still very rough ... but I think with enough thought, and effort, it is completely feasible. In 5-10 yrs. from now I would like to have some sort of foundation set up ... to help people ... How will I help them? I'm not quite sure, but I have time to figure it out. What I do know is that I would like to set it up like a business ... so my current path is more or less a training period. I also hope that should everything work it would give me the initial capital to start, and then additional funds can be acquired through fund raising, and grants ... I've also taken the initial steps of volunteering through a friend. I'm hoping by doing that it will give me some idea as to the what, where or how of my plan. All I do know is that this plan is at least 5 years away ... and that I would like it to be global, and not local ... I think it's all very feasible as long as I remind myself of why I am doing it.

I know people probably think I'm crazy, or that this is just a thought for "now", but I've really put a lot of time in thinking about this, and the people that know me know I think a lot ... I guess time will be the true judge ...

So why am I writing this? I guess so I never forget ... and to that person, although I don't know if I'll ever say it directly to you but I hope I do ... thank you.

words

I love words. There is nothing better than a sentence that is strung together so perfectly, that it becomes ... poetic.

Words are powerful and beautiful, as they can create emotion, express ideas, and formulate passages that pass the test of time and last for the ages.

But words have their limitation ... without a voice and heart to express these words, sometimes words are just words ... and you rely on the reader to interpret what is being said by the writer. You rely on their feelings, their experiences and their thoughts to color your words with their voice and heart.

Sometimes, maybe most of the time they understand ... but sometimes your words fail you, because without your voice ... they are just words.

Emotion

What are they really?

I've been trying to find a definition for them, and so far the only thing I seem to be able to find are arguments over what emotions really are. Are they psychological, how are they different from feelings ... how does 'affect' come into play.

Robert Masters makes the following distinctions between affect, feeling and emotion: "As I define them, affect is an innately structured, non-cognitive evaluative sensation that may or may not register in consciousness; feeling is affect made conscious, possessing an evaluative capacity that is not only physiologically based, but that is often also psychologically (and sometimes relationally) oriented; and emotion is psychosocially constructed, dramatized feeling."

dramatized feeling? I don't know ... all I know is that those feelings, emotions, affect ... whatever can take a person from the most glorious highs to the most desolate lows. It can make people act in such hurtful ways or it can open people to endearing kindness ... It's so powerful and yet no one can agree on what it really is. I mean there are definitions of what emotion are but no one can say for sure.

Life is certainly a lot more interesting when you allow yourself to be controlled by your emotions. Unfortunately I think some restraint is always necessary ... so that you can find a balance, and maybe keep the highs not so high ... but the lows not so low. There has to be a happy balance somewhere. It's just hard to recognize what that may be ...

anyways ... all I know is that right about now, if there was an emotion for pathetic ... then that's probably what I would be.

a little thing called TRUST

What is trust?

I always thought that trust is something you give someone ... and it's up to them to show that they deserve it ... but once they've lost your trust, then that's it. It's easy to give trust, it's hard to earn it back once you've lost it.

Why am I talking about this? I don't know ... there are so many unanswered questions that I have ... and the more and more I look at it, the more and more I feel like my trust was misplaced. I feel cheated.

It's hard because by my very nature I'm a trusting person. I think you make life too hard for yourself if you're constantly trying to judge people's intentions. Unfortunately I think some people realize that, and because of that they play it like a game. I guess people's pasts too often control their present, and they let it decide for them, willingly or not how they treat each situation. It's too bad that these people don't see how they only hurt themselves ... yes it hurts whoever is involved, but at the end of the day, those people can move on. The ones making these decisions are merely doomed to repeat them over and over again, which leads to one cluster fcuk of a life.

I guess the tough thing is to stay true to yourself, and realize that you're going to get hurt ... but what's the alternative? To become more jaded? To hold back and not say and do the things that better reflect who you are as a person? No ... that's not an alternative I'm willing to accept. For better or for worse, I still believe that there is good out there. That people who are genuinely warm, considerate, truthful ... and honest actually do exist.

I guess the lesson here is to strike a balance. Somewhere between being jaded and being trusting there's a gray area ... still it's such a terrible realization to know that a person cannot live life so positively. That everything still has to account for the negativity, and the dishonest people out there. It shouldn't be a game, you shouldn't have to question each action ... you shouldn't have to be weary of every word ... You should just be able to trust that person and in turn know that they trust you. I guess I'm a dreamer ...

... in the end ... all I know is karma is a bitch ... and what goes around comes around. Fortunately for certain people it'll keep coming and coming ... and the funny thing is they're the ones scratching their heads asking "Why me?"

... missing someone ...

Why is missing someone so hard? Does anyone know?

It feels like an empty space in my mind, soul, body ... but it's not just empty it feels like someone took something, and they didn't replace it with anything except ... air.

Now it just sits there ... this big empty space, and you can tell that there was something there. The dust and dirt are neatly lined around the spot it used to occupy. I just want it back. Whoever took it can please return it anytime they want ...

Missing someone hurts ...

Killing me softly ... with thought

Apparently I'm just one of those people who can't let anything go ... I know that about myself, and yet I can't help it. When I start ... I just pick and pick at something until I'm pretty sure that the world is upside down, the sky is falling and we're all going to die.

I HATE THAT!!! Nothing like realizing the world is coming to an end on a Sunday ... and you haven't even eaten dinner yet. Don't you hate that ...

Of course the world never ends, it isn't upside down, the sky is not falling ... everything is going to be ok ... I know this. I can tell myself I know this ... but I can't let it go. Why? I think I just like the mental torture, maybe I'm a masochist or something. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose. I think maybe it's time to just let it ... go ... or at least I need to learn how to let things go. This just can't be healthy ...

In all seriousness ... this is a problem, and it's only going to cause trouble. I need to learn to stop thinking so much. To stop analyzing things, and to start taking things for what they're worth.

What's in a song?

Lately I've been reminded of how much I love music. Now I'm not a big fan of reading poetry, but I find the lyrics to a well written song are just as poetic. I guess they're the evolution of poetry, set to music, a beat ... and a voice.

I think when a song is well written, and the voice used to express it are on point ... the song becomes something more. Music has the power to move and inspire, to make one reflect, to bring about emotion ... It's a good friend on a cold day, or a happy companion in the sun, either way it's very powerful.

That explains why I keep posting lyrics to songs. The lyrics by themselves are really meaningful - to me at least - but when taken into context, with my mood, the music behind it, and the voice it becomes much much more.

I guess that's why I'm not as into modern music as I used to be. I find that not as many artists focus on all the aspects of their music. I find some just work on the instruments, while some work on the lyrics, and not many focus on the whole package. It's a shame because there are a lot of musicians out there that I'm sure could compete with the best, but for whatever reason no one wants to hear them. Instead we're force fed a steady stream of shit ... like we're too unintelligent to handle anything more.

That's why I'm currently back into soul and early R&B ... a lot of Otis Redding and Etta James. I find that although their songs may sound simple, their voices, the time when they were written, etc. it brings a lot more weight to the songs themselves.

A Life With No Regrets

Living life with no regrets has to be one of the hardest things you can do ...

There are so many decisions to make, and roads to take ... it becomes easy to get confused and follow paths that aren't the ones you want. This leads to more confusion which can only lead to more regrets.

I'm no expert, and I don't pretend to know how to live a life without any, but you can make the simple choice to always stay true to yourself. You know what's best for you, and if you make your decisions knowing that you are doing so because it is what you WOULD do and would WANT to do .. then I think you can be true to who you are. By doing that, you can't really regret any of your decisions.

I find that most regret usually comes from taking other people's advice, without putting it into the perspective of you and your life. While advice is great to receive, if you don't relate it to you then all it becomes, is something that has more to deal with how THAT person would have behaved in your situation.

... being true to yourself will lead to a life with no regrets ... or at least very few. Just something I was batting around in my head ...