Revenge is SWEEEEEEEEEET

wow ... I mean ... wow ... It just goes to show the lengths people will go to for a little revenge. Click here to see what I mean. Seriously though, I can no longer be considered a sick, twisted f*ck when there are people out there that actually do that.

But first let's break it down:

1. Dude missed his ex, even though they mention twice how he has moved on, and has a new love.
2. She called him up, picked him up, and brought him over. She then crazy glued his nuts to his leg, clamped his ass shut, and stuck his dick to his stomach. Finally she woke him up and sent him packing buck naked in the middle of the night. (INSERT: Small round of applause for coming up with something that just brings a warm feeling to the lump of coal in my chest.)
3. He is suing her for damages because he's had to make numerous visits to the doctor, and she claims it used to be part of their sex lives ... the whole gluing shit together ... because yeah ... that's just HOT!

Does anyone see where I'm going with this? So this guy has "moved on" has he? So if I understand this correctly moving on means having a girlfriend, but missing the ex enough to agree to meet ... which is fine ... and then getting all hot and heavy to the point where you're naked and passed out. Obviously this guy has moved on and he probably was just looking to stick it in one more time ... unfortunately it was one too many.

If you ask me ... dude got what he deserved. I say congratulations to the psycho bitch for coming up with this, but here's a question for you honey - premeditatted crazy gluing body parts together just screams CRAZY! Maybe that's why no one wants to go out with your sorry ass! Seriously ... most people get drunk, take up a hobby or try to preoccupy their time with something else, BUT not you! Nope instead you think of ways to crazy glue his sack to his leg, and shut his ass. Now that is nutty ... but at the same time I can appreciate the time, effort, and thought you put into it.

Honestly ... I wish I could have seen the doctor's face when this guy showed up. Here are some thoughts that might make you chuckle:

1. How do you keep a straight face when this guy takes off his clothing and everything is crazy glued all over the place?
   
2. Also with his nut attached to his leg, how do you walk without tearing, or at least causing yourself extreme pain? My guess is ... he used baby steps.
3. Next up - taking a dump ... It must have been a real pain in the ass to squeeze one out, and on top of that just imagine trying to clean in there ... Some one must have wreaked of shit - literally.
4. Finally - peeing. I hope to God that when she glued his cock, she made sure that it was pointing directly up and toward his face. HAHAHAHAHAHA
   

So there you have it ... proof yet again, that while I may be somewhat disturbed, there are bigger retards roaming the Earth.

p.s. Am I just old? or do all couples use crazy glue ... I mean for my personal knowledge, is that the new "in" thing to do? Also, as long as she is crazy gluing everything, why didn't she crazy glue one hand to his pecker, and another to his ass ... just a thought, oh well maybe next time she'll get it right.

p.p.s. I'm guessing this guy no longer has a girlfriend, and hopefully all of his friends laugh at him ALL THE TIME!

... what not to do with your spare time

I know I said my next topic would be America's fascination with fast food (see previous post) but this was too funny not to put up. And by funny I mean that there are people out there who have some serious issues.

At least the article has something to do with food ... although not in a good way. And by not in a good way I mean telling your barber that they're the ugliest person you've ever met while getting your 10 dollar haircut.

masturbating the mind

... jerking your soul ... slapping five with the big snake ... ummmm ...

and I'm back with another wonderful entry to entice all you non believers into believing in, well ... nothing really. I have nothing to peddle, no sh*t to shovel, and definitely no gruel to eat. mmmmm ... gruel .... fungus .... cheese ... Nope absolutely nothing. So why am I writing? I really have no idea. Chances are the lepers have escaped from the farm, and are playing baseball with Bobby Lee's arm and ... well I won't say what their using for the ball ... and I definitely won't say what their using to catch said ball, but let me say that their using various sacks for the bases. Sacks filled with sand, to give it that base feeling. Especially when you step on it - unfortunately some of these sacks are still attached ... umm you know where this is going.

Anyways I have yet another question that perhaps someone out there in cyberspace can answer for me. Blogs ... who has any interest in reading these things? From my understanding there are a few kinds ... one gives opinions on various subjects, others try to be informative and focus on one specific thing, and then you have the others (much like this one) that seem to be for personal use. I find it fascinating that some people feel the need to write down every little sh*tty thing that happened to them that day. What's even more interesting is that some retards actually post comments. Like "OH my God, I feel so bad that you got your period ..." Seriously peoples who fu*k'n cares? Why do you actually care if some twat got her period. Or some moron was able to jerk his pug off. I mean really, you have nothing ... I mean NOTHING to do? Literally ... you could be researching the cure for cancer, or trying to help starving children, but instead you sit there and type some comments about some ass munchers sh*tty day? WHO CARES about their shitty day ... damn it, I have shitty days 90 percent of the time, and I don't sit here going over every crappy little thing ...

I know ... some of you are thinking "Well what are you doing that's so different? Isn't this personal." First of all how about a little less yapping and a lot more SHUT THE HELL UP. I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing. I'm sitting here procrastinating. I have other more serious things to do, it's just that from time to time I enjoy sitting around and typing some random BS ... I'm simply pointing out that there are a lot of tools out there that feel the need to do this multiple times a day, and not only that but there are people that actually read all of the posts and submit comments. I just find the whole thing odd, and considering what a sick demented pervert some people think I am, me finding YOU odd is not a good thing. On the not a good thing list it would be second right below a thousand papercuts on any appendage and then swimming in a vat of rubbing alcohol ... you know the burn and pain will get through the clothes at some point. (I'll let you pick which appendage .... but here are a few suggestions for those lacking imagination - penis, ass, back ... my personal favorite NIPPLES ... ouch can you imagine how much that would hurt? ... no seriously let's just think about that for a second ... papercuts ... thousands ... on your nipples ... rubbing alcohol .... owwww)

Where was I ... oh yeah I'm just procrastinating and I will never ever take this blog thing seriously. So for all of you who do ... eat a big metaphorical dick ... or a real one if that's more to your liking ... with plum sauce, and a healthy serving of nuts to round out the meal.

see ya later ...

next week's topic ... "America's Fascination with Fast Food" or as I like to call it "Putting the F back in FAT B*TCHES" or "Making Rosie one Filet-o-Fish at a time" or "Paying Ronald to sh*t down my throat and I'm Lovin' It" or "Having the Pillsbury Dough boy pump me full of 'frosting' and laughing about it all the way to the bank." ... you get the idea.

Sh*t Kicking Retards

Ahhhh .... just a quick side note regarding the title of this latest post. By 'retards' I do not intend to mean those who are mentally deficient due to some neurological or genetic defect ... no by 'retards' I mean individuals who should be functioning at a normal or at least somewhat intelligent level but for whatever reason being idiots, slow, dumb, stupid … basically are retarded in their functioning … see what I mean? If you don’t then you, yes YOU may actually be one of the ‘retards’. Also by sh*t kicking, I don’t mean that they themselves are doing anything of the sort, I am trying to say that given the chance I would LOVE to kick the living sh*t out of them. Yes that’s right, kick them so hard that they actually release – even if it’s only a pebble – a small piece of themselves. Sounds sick doesn’t it, but think about the immense amount of satisfaction that would bring you.

Now I’m not an angry person although judging by my posts it would seem that way. On the contrary, I would rather be discussing the various ways of implementing a large dose of pleasure into my life. This could be through manual stimulation, mental stimulation, or by purchasing that one item that for a small amount of time would bring you great happiness. While I don’t always agree with people’s choice of items (i.e. prostitutes, children, small furry woodland creatures), I cannot really get upset with them because that is what brings them happiness. In some cases it could be flowers, in other cases it could be a priceless artifact that you then give to someone else. In other cases it could be said artifact that you then smash into itty bitty pieces with a club fashioned from the severed arms of chimps – they were bad monkeys – while the person that you would have given the item to watches and cries an endless river as you gleefully giggle and drool and smash and … ummmm … So yeah not usually angry … sick maybe, loopy perhaps, angry not really …

Anyways where was I … oh yes sh*t kicking retards. Is it just me or does it almost seem like the world is going down the crapper. I mean the proportion of idiots seems to be growing. Far worse than the spread of any disease, plague or natural disaster is this new … I don’t even know what to call it … anusism (defn:The increase in the amount of dumbasses walking amongst us.) Maybe all these new plagues, etc. is God’s little way of saying “My bad, let me clean up some of the mess.” Maybe he accidentally used a little too much ass when making a batch of people … who knows but for whatever reason they’re everywhere and it’s driving me nuts. I don’t necessarily want to pummel, beat or kill them, but it would be nice if we could just transport them to some small island somewhere, let them fend for themselves, and mark their location on a map with the picture of a big ass … then … once it becomes financially feasible, I could fly my jet over the island and blast the sh*t out of them with some napalm. I could even charge other people for the opportunity to do so – I know each and every one of you know of someone you would like to do this to …

So that’s it … I am trying to end Anusism. All those who are with me, if there is anyone out there … you’re a sick sick individual. What moron would follow any of what I have just proposed … YOU my friend are now the first person on that island may the napalm torch/touch your soul.

p.s. for those who know me … sorry … it’s been a long morning, and the little man in my head has yet to awaken, leaving me free to these random and sometimes violent thoughts …

Michael Jackson, a Priest, and a little boy ...

... walk into a kindergarten ... do I mention the bucket of lube now or later?

hehe, oh come on! You know that some of you are tickled pink at the idea, I mean it's not like that really happened or anything. Anyways on to the reason that I'm here ... as usual there is no reason, it's just that I have some time and felt like updating my blog with some insightful thoughts. You know, to help create conversation around the water cooler, or in your local brothel, or nunnery ..... mmmm ... nuns ..... rulers .......... sheep

Ummm, back to the reason I was here, or actually the reason I am here. Whiny people. I can't stand them. Anyone that whines deserves a thorough ass kicking ... actually they deserve to be left alone with Michael Jackson, a Priest, and one large and very horny Mastiff (it's a dog) ... oh AND NO BUCKET OF LUBE. Seriously it bothers me - I'm sure not as much as I bother some of you with these comments but - I just can't handle it. People know what I'm talking about, that person that just whines and whines until he or she gets their way, and if they don't get their way, well then at least they've ruined what could have been a good time for everyone. Makes me just want to beat something ... now some of you may think I'm just an angry child, or maybe I ate one too many paint chips, but seriously ... don't you people hate that? Drives me nuts, and contrary to popular belief I am not nuts ... just special ...

Sooooooo here is my proposition to all of you who actually read this stuff ... who has the best idea for what you could do to whiny people? Personally I would love nothing more than to subject them to a ceramic beating (please see last posting), although to be honest with you, that Mastiff is becoming one of my favorites.

Which brings me to my next point ... do people actually read this stuff, and if they do .... do you not have anything better to do? I mean ... you're reading something written by someone claiming to be a jermil .... I could think of animal porn sites that I'd rather be looking at ... mmmmmm .... animals .... sausage .... apples ..... ahhhhh .... See that makes absolutely no sense, but for whatever reason some of you are actually trying to put all that together (personally I would use seal pup, salami, and a nice bushel of granny smith apples, feels fantastic on your feet, and is really good for your skin ... of course what you do with all three is up to you)

until next time ...

..... and then boredom hits

Alright ... I was completely satisfied with not doing anything and then boredom hit ... There is only so much surfing you can do before you feel like typing something, plus this way it lookss as though I'm busy. Anyways here is something that really bothers me - people who take other people's stories and try to pass them off as their own. What's even worse is when the story is your story and the person telling it has forgotten that you were the one that told it to them in the first place. All of a sudden you're in a bar, room, wherever and this person starts going on about this hilarious thing that happened to them, and in most cases it would probably be pretty funny ... except for the fact that it's you story!!!

In an attempt to remedy this situation I have decided to take the following actions to the next person who tries to pass my story off as their own:

1. Point out that it's my story, and then make fun of them for not having a life of their own until they are thoroughly humiliated ... if they consider suicide as their only option then so be it.
2. Follow their story and humiliation with an even more humiliating true story about them. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet somewhere, and nothing says sweet embarassing revenge like telling everyone about the time that "X" crapped themselves while trying to squeeze one out ... and this is not in reference to anyone I know now or ever ... maybe ...
3. If after 1 and 2 they still do not consider suicide as a viable option .... then bludgeon them with a ceramic p*nis (Clockwork Orange for those who are clueless)
   

So there if after all that ... the person still insists on passing your stories off as their own ... well then there is no hope for humanity, and you may as well just take a dump in their heating duct when they aren't looking so that for months and months they will be confused by where that smell is coming from ... where IS that smell coming from????

What is a Jermil?

A jermil is a small furry animal ... it's half me and half gerbil ... they can be found in tight, sweaty crevaces, and can usually be coaxed out of hiding with beer. Therefore Jermil's cage are thoughts from a jermil from his cage ... see how this all comes together?

That my friends is a jermil ...

p.s. people feel free to expand on this definition of a jermil.