... missing someone ...

Why is missing someone so hard? Does anyone know?

It feels like an empty space in my mind, soul, body ... but it's not just empty it feels like someone took something, and they didn't replace it with anything except ... air.

Now it just sits there ... this big empty space, and you can tell that there was something there. The dust and dirt are neatly lined around the spot it used to occupy. I just want it back. Whoever took it can please return it anytime they want ...

Missing someone hurts ...

Killing me softly ... with thought

Apparently I'm just one of those people who can't let anything go ... I know that about myself, and yet I can't help it. When I start ... I just pick and pick at something until I'm pretty sure that the world is upside down, the sky is falling and we're all going to die.

I HATE THAT!!! Nothing like realizing the world is coming to an end on a Sunday ... and you haven't even eaten dinner yet. Don't you hate that ...

Of course the world never ends, it isn't upside down, the sky is not falling ... everything is going to be ok ... I know this. I can tell myself I know this ... but I can't let it go. Why? I think I just like the mental torture, maybe I'm a masochist or something. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose. I think maybe it's time to just let it ... go ... or at least I need to learn how to let things go. This just can't be healthy ...

In all seriousness ... this is a problem, and it's only going to cause trouble. I need to learn to stop thinking so much. To stop analyzing things, and to start taking things for what they're worth.

What's in a song?

Lately I've been reminded of how much I love music. Now I'm not a big fan of reading poetry, but I find the lyrics to a well written song are just as poetic. I guess they're the evolution of poetry, set to music, a beat ... and a voice.

I think when a song is well written, and the voice used to express it are on point ... the song becomes something more. Music has the power to move and inspire, to make one reflect, to bring about emotion ... It's a good friend on a cold day, or a happy companion in the sun, either way it's very powerful.

That explains why I keep posting lyrics to songs. The lyrics by themselves are really meaningful - to me at least - but when taken into context, with my mood, the music behind it, and the voice it becomes much much more.

I guess that's why I'm not as into modern music as I used to be. I find that not as many artists focus on all the aspects of their music. I find some just work on the instruments, while some work on the lyrics, and not many focus on the whole package. It's a shame because there are a lot of musicians out there that I'm sure could compete with the best, but for whatever reason no one wants to hear them. Instead we're force fed a steady stream of shit ... like we're too unintelligent to handle anything more.

That's why I'm currently back into soul and early R&B ... a lot of Otis Redding and Etta James. I find that although their songs may sound simple, their voices, the time when they were written, etc. it brings a lot more weight to the songs themselves.

A Life With No Regrets

Living life with no regrets has to be one of the hardest things you can do ...

There are so many decisions to make, and roads to take ... it becomes easy to get confused and follow paths that aren't the ones you want. This leads to more confusion which can only lead to more regrets.

I'm no expert, and I don't pretend to know how to live a life without any, but you can make the simple choice to always stay true to yourself. You know what's best for you, and if you make your decisions knowing that you are doing so because it is what you WOULD do and would WANT to do .. then I think you can be true to who you are. By doing that, you can't really regret any of your decisions.

I find that most regret usually comes from taking other people's advice, without putting it into the perspective of you and your life. While advice is great to receive, if you don't relate it to you then all it becomes, is something that has more to deal with how THAT person would have behaved in your situation.

... being true to yourself will lead to a life with no regrets ... or at least very few. Just something I was batting around in my head ...

Free Me

Just listening to my music, and came across this song by Otis Redding ...

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Free me darling
Don't hang me up
Let me go from your love, now

Just like a prisoner
You got me chained and bound
Unlock 'em, Let me go, let me go
Get 'em from around

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Free me baby, Let me go, Turn me loose
From your love, now

You know I did love you, yeah
Do anything in the world for you
I try my best, I try my very best, yeah, please
The way your treating me
Keep me in misery

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
To walk away
It's up to you
To say we're through

Free me baby, let me go, turn me loose baby
From your love
I got to tell you, Listen this
I know sometime
I wonder do you really love me
And if you don't, if you don't
You got to let me know
Let me go
Your love is not shown
Break these chains
Make them tearing apart
Let me love again

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Let me go, darling
If you don't want me
Free me
Let me go
Unchain me
From your love

- Otis Redding 1969

A Change is Gonna Come

This song was originally written by Sam Cooke ... but it's been covered many times ...

I was born by a river, oh my
In this little old town
Just like this river
I've been running ever since
It's been a long

Lord, I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come, now
Oh yes it is, my oh my oh my oh my

It's been too hard livin', oh my
And I'm afraid to die
I don't know what's up there
Beyond the clouds
It's been a long

Lord I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come
Oh yes it is, my oh my oh my

There's a time
I will go to my brother, oh my
I would ask my brother
Will you help me please, oh now oh now
He turned me down
And then I asked my little mother, oh my oh
I said mother, I said mother
I'm down on my knees

It's been time that I go
Lord it's too late
Very long, oh now oh

Somehow I thought I was still able
To try to carry on
It's been a long
Lord I'm coming but I know
That changes gonna come
Oh yes it is

Huh, just like I said
I went to my little baby brother, oh my, my little brother
I asked my brother, brother help me please, oh now
He turned me down
And then I go to my little mother, my dear mother, oh now, huh
I said mother, I said mother I'm down on my knees

But there was a time that I go
Lord it's too late
So very long, oh my oh
Somehow I thought I was still able
To try to carry on
It's been a long
Lord I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come, oh
It's been so long, It's been so long
A little too long
But changes gotta come
So tired, so tired of suffering
Standing by myself
Has given up a home
But changes gotta come
You know, you know that I know
And I know that you know
Honey, That a change is gonna come, oh now, oh my
I gotta...

- Otis Redding

Hanging out with me, myself and I

I know this is quite the departure from all my posts so long ago, but lately I can't help but think about things. Good, bad whatever ... maybe it's just a phase, who knows, but sometimes it definitely produces some rather interesting thoughts. This weekend has been a particularly good one for just that. Don't worry no over analyzing. These are strictly observations ...

Just sitting here and thinking about all the things that goes on in life ... it's pretty amazing. All the things you go through, all the people you meet, conversations you have, notes you exchange, things you see, things you hear, things you taste, things you feel, people you affect ... I wonder if anyone could ever truly catalog everything that someone could experience throughout the course of their life?

There is so much that you or I as an individual can go through ... and then when you start to consider how many people are out running around in this world, and all the things they are experiencing, doing, living through ... it's mind blowing.

For example at any given moment, someone is crying, someone is laughing, someone is eating, someone is going to bed, someone is waking up, someone is hurting, someone is thinking that this is the best day of their life ... and it just goes on and on ... it's insane.

Now think that you're just one person doing all those things, and multiply it by however many other people are living in the world right now ... it just makes you feel so insignificant. The really cool thing - and I first thought of this while tree planting - if you look up at the sky, you know there are people out there looking up at the same sky you are at the exact moment you are. By doing that, even though we're all apart, it's as though we're connected ...

That's all I wanted to say ... it's just a thought ... and somewhere out there someone else is thinking the exact same thing I am.

ok ... that was my philosophical discussion of the day ...

... the calm ...

Something happened to me this week which made me realize just how out of whack my priorities have been lately. I've been rash, illogical ... basically I haven't been myself. I haven't been thinking clearly ... Then in the blink of an eye I realized that I was so far out from where I want to be, and was left asking "How did I get here?"

It was one of those things that when it happens to other people you say "That's terrible.", but until it happens to you ... I don't think the weight of it all actually hits you until it does. When it did ... all I can say is that I realized I had let my priorities slip out of order, and that a majority of the confusion ... the stress ... etc. ... it was all my fault. I had brought it upon myself without realizing it, and in all honesty I would have probably let it continue ...

I always knew what my priorities were but in "getting caught up in the moment" I let the order get blurry ... Then something happened that just made me realize that a lot of the things I thought were so important really weren't. At least they weren't in the long run ... they were more of "right now" priorities and issues that I was forcing instead of letting the flow of everything run it's natural course.

So what's the answer to "How did I get here?" I guess it comes down to a matter of control, at least for me it does. Like most people, I like to think that I'm always in control or at least have some sort of control over what happens. Like most people when that perception of control is lost, you end up doing anything you can to regain it ... but the reality is, there never was any control in the first place. Recognizing that and then adjusting accordingly brings this ... calm ... It's just a realization that not everything can be controlled. Things happen, regardless of whether or not you want them to. I know most people know that, and we all accept it as common knowledge like a bad cliche ... but we still forget. We let the moment seize us instead of the other way around ...

You know it's true ... but at the specific time, when you're in that moment, you forget and you frustrate yourself with the why's, the who's and the what's when it isn't even your responsibility. They're happening for the simple reason that most things happen ... just because. I'm not saying that a person can't influence certain situations, and that your actions don't play a part in things happening. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't forget that things WILL happen. Nothing is stagnant and everything is constantly moving. The time, the pace, the rate at which all these things occur are simply out of our control.

So instead of focusing on what you can't do, it's important to work on the things that you can. How you read situations and how you react to situations are two things that are completely up to you. I believe everyone should get what they want in life ... the only reason that people don't get it is because they won't let themselves have it ... and that is usually because they're too focused on the control aspect of things instead of working on the reading and reacting ... We get so focused on trying to get a hold on a situation instead of trying our best to read it and react to it positively, therefore that affects you negatively, by leading you to more confusion, more of this sense of loss of control, and so on ... and so on ... and so on, like a never ending spiral away from where you want to be.

Of course who am I to make that judgement ... it's just my opinion, and I guess you can say ... it's just fate ... Where does fate stop and control begin anyways?

Mind Bending Minutiae

That's where I'm at bending the wrinkles out of shite ... usually when life gives me potatoes, I make vodka .. but right about now, there's nothing to fix this crap ... especially not vodka.

At least that's what it feels like. I mean none of this would be so bad if there just didn't seem to be so much. It's almost like every other day it's something new ... just God's or the Fates' little way of saying "Hey there sunshine, let me shove this up your a$$."

All in all ... I guess I really shouldn't complain. There are people out there that have it far worse. It's just that right now ... especially right now, Murphy's Law seems to be humming along at 250 MPH ... Whatever can go wrong, will. Pick anything, ANYTHING, and I can tell you what's going wrong ...

I thought I would say more, but I'm just too damn tired of thinking about all this crap ... hence the title of this post ... MIND BENDING MINUTIAE. I guess that's just life ... What did I say before? Life handing out a lot of strikes but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are ... DAMN IT I hate it when I'm right. I don't want to be a hypocrite either, so I guess I have no choice BUT to deal ... hmmm, I think that's pretty much it.

I guess I just needed to vent. Venting into cyberspace. So that someone in New Dehli can read what some lunatic Canadian is writing about. Dude will probably call me up to see if I need some customer support.

For more on Murphy's Law click here.

something to think about ...

Sorry for getting all political, I just thought it was an interesting letter written by someone who was there ... This was originally posted here

The people of America have been done a great disservice under their current administration. At least they still have a couple of things left - a voice and a vote. This report from a US soldier says it all.

"After Pat’s Birthday"

Posted on Oct 19, 2006

By Kevin Tillman

Editor’s note: Kevin Tillman joined the Army with his brother Pat in 2002, and they served together in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pat was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Kevin, who was discharged in 2005, has written a powerful, must-read document.

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we got out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.

Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,

Kevin Tillman