If ...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more ; you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

Insomnia

The one thing I crave the most is sleep ...

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I'm thinking too much period. How do you clear your head so you can just pass out? The three hour time change certainly doesn't help matters ... actually the three hour time change is probably the main reason I am sitting here reading my old posts.

It's interesting to read things I wrote in the past under various circumstances. I would have to say that most of it was in either some reflective pause, anger, or sadness ... I was actually looking for ones that were more light hearted and humorous, but those were few and far between. I guess it reflects my state of mind over the last little bit ...

Part of me was tempted to delete some of them, just to clear the clutter of the doom and gloom ... but after reading them I think it would be wise to keep them. To remind me of where I've been and where I want to go ...

Now if only I could get some frick'n sleep ...

On a sidenote ... with little sleep I apparently jump all over the place when writing. How do people concentrate long enough to write entire books? ... and now there's one more thing to think about ..

Honestly Speaking

What a crazy year it's been ... starting off so low and building to such great heights only to come crashing back to earth again ... I guess the optimist in me would say at least things have been eventful, exciting ... never a dull moment. Seems like everything but the kitchen sink was thrown my way ... love lost, love found, lost again, love ... health issues galore ... friendships ending, friendships beginning ...

I guess it's just life, it's what was in the cards for 2006 and I for one am grateful that I've survived it all, and that it's coming to an end. These experiences will serve me in the future, and life lessons aren't always sugar and spice ... sometimes it's a good kick in the teeth.

Truthfully though, I'm ready for a little routine vs. the madness that has been my life these past couple of months, and thankfully it looks as though things are starting to wind down as the New Year approaches.

I've definitely grown in too many ways to count ... but if I had to pick one aspect that I'm most proud of, I would have to say it's speaking up with honesty when I actually have something to say. I guess in the past I would have let doubts and fear hold me back ... but I've realized that holding it in is far worse ... and that's the truth :)

See you in two DOUBLE O - 7!

I miss you

I'll keep this one short.

So here it is ... I miss you, there I said it. I don't know why. It's been months since I've seen you, it's been weeks since we've spoken - I mean really spoken - and yet here I find myself thinking about you, wondering what and how you are doing, and generally missing you. You're laugh, our conversations, and just ... you.

Silly huh? Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just a result of too much thought, but I don't think so. I've sorted it all out in my head and this is what I'm left with ... I guess I just don't understand how someone can say so many wonderful things one week, and then turn it all off the next. I don't expect any explanations, it's something I realize I'll never get the answer to ... but that's it ... after all the thinking, etc. this is the one thing I wonder. Is it something I did, was it something else ... who knows ... and so I sit and wonder.

At one point I felt pathetic for even thinking this ... but in the end, I know I'm just being honest and if that's how I feel then that's what I should say.

I guess you left a bigger footprint than you thought ...

Karma or Fate or Both

Sorry I've neglected this little space of mine ... I've opted to go back to a more traditional form of thought tracking (i.e. pen and paper) ... I'm also not completely sure I'm ready to really express all my thoughts. I guess I think some things are better kept private. If I had to sum it all up though ... I guess confusion, chaos, off balance, emptiness, melancholy, up, down, and anger would be some words I would use to describe it ...

Back to the reason I'm here though, Karma or Fate. Are things meant to happen or do things happen because of prior actions? On the one hand you have karma which means that all events have a direct root cause in your past. Something that you've done directly or indirectly plays a part in your future. In this sense when things are great you can only congratulate yourself ... and when things are bad, you can only blame yourself.

On the flipside you have Fate. Fate dictates that everything happens the way it was meant to happen. Life and all that encompasses occurs just as it should. There can really be no blame, and regardless of whether or not you understand it things will occur as they should. This can be comforting in the sense that all the negativity arises from outside forces that you have no control over. At the same time anything that could be labeled as "good" is also not of your own doing.

Overall I find people have a tendency to believe in one or the other ... I have a tendency to believe in both, unfortunately I believe in karma for the negative and fate for the positive which actually means that anything good comes about not from my actions, but from an outside force. All the negativity occurs due to past actions that have somehow triggered a series of events ... in the end you take no credit for your accomplishments, and all the blame for your failures. Depressing isn't it?

I don't think you can believe in both ... I think I need to choose ... or maybe I need to choose option D: "none of the above".

Miss Communication

Alright I'll be honest ... over the past two months I've been concerning myself with someone who just doesn't deserve any concern. Yes I'll finally admit that I wasted my time caring about someone who really doesn't care and really doesn't deserve to be cared about.

It's very harsh to say something like that ... in most circumstances I would agree ... but this is a special case. When someone refuses to communicate ... when someone refuses to be mature, to be an adult and explain their reasons ... when someone does that not once, but on a consistent basis, I think you need to stop making excuses and start realizing the ugly truth. The truth in this matter, is that for whatever reason that person is just not mature enough ... or for whatever reason (probably a fcuk'd up past where this would be considered normal) they just don't understand that what they are doing only perpetuates the problem. In the end they will be doomed to repeat the mistakes that have been made, and in the end ... unfortunately ... they will lead a life of unhappiness until they are willing to accept their faults and do something about it.

So why am I writing all this? Mainly because I realize that I've been looking for answers, and blaming myself for things that really weren't my fault. It took a few friends to make me realize this, and to them I say thank you ... to that person ... I say I am truly sorry you don't seem to have the courage to make the changes that would really change your life for the better. Unfortunately in the end, after all is said and done you really do come across as an immature bitch. Maybe I'm being harsh because you really did hurt me ... or maybe I'm just telling the truth. You decide what it is, but something tells me this isn't the first time you've heard something similar.

I would have loved to have been able to talk to you about all this, but I really believe you would never have given me the chance, so instead I'm left blurting this out into cyber space ... sad isn't it?

Yes ... I'm talking to YOU ...

GROW THE F*CK UP

Here is something that I just can't stand. People going out, doing stupid things, and somehow dragging me into the fall out from said stupidity.

News FLASH you're grown ass adults take some frick'n responsibility for your actions and deal with it ... don't bring me into any of it ... don't try to make me feel bad for something stupid that YOU did. It's as if people want to place the blame for what they've done on someone ... anyone ... just so that they can feel like they've been wronged and nothing was their fault.

Well I'm not buying it. I'm not dealing with it ... I really don't care how you feel, or if you're uncomfortable, etc. You know what, you're an adult, you want to be treated like one, then realize that YOU made the decisions, YOU did what you thought was fun at the time and now YOU should deal with the repercussions. Don't bring me some sob story about this or that ...

Seriously GROW THE F*CK UP and realize that yes there are actual consequences to your actions and maybe you should pull up your f*ck'n diapers and deal with it yourself. Quit acting like a baby ... because if that's what you are then I have no time to deal with you or you're petty little problems.

Here's some milk and a bottle ... you can suck it.

Stopping the stt ... stt .. stuttering

So I've been thinking for what feels like forever ... I said I had lots on my mind and here is what it boils down to ... I'm an idiot.

I'm by no means perfect. I doubt anyone is, and it's those imperfections that make everyone unique. That being said I realize my two biggest faults are my tendency to dwell on the past, and my inability to sometimes see the difference between constructive thought, and over thinking. Both faults serve me well in the work environment, where experience and logic help to find better solutions to current problems. It's turning off the "work me" when it comes to dealing with my life that I have to admit is infuriating. Actually lord knows how many times people have wanted to and I've wanted to beat myself silly, and if I could I would, but I can't ... so instead I've got to just accept it, and make some changes.

The past is there to guide me. Dwelling on it, and thinking of things that could have been done, etc. is ok up to a certain extent. Knowing the limit is something that I'm working on to improve, because past a certain point I've come to realize you start letting your past dictate your future. I don't want to do that. I want to learn from my past, but then I want to move forward.

Thinking is great, and everyone should reflect on their issues ... but once again nitpicking over details, and over analyzing items until you see 50 solutions to one problem is overkill. It only leads to indecision, when sometimes maybe most of the time the right answer was right there in front of you.

I know I've said similar things in the past ... so why am I still talking about it? I think when things go bad you look for tried and true methods ... it's comfortable, you know how to go about it, you've done it before. I told myself I wouldn't but once things hit a certain point I think I just succumbed to it all ... because it was easier NOT better.

So "moving forward" and looking to tomorrow is something that I am working on. It's not an overnight process, but as long as I keep it in mind, things will improve. "Why do things happen?" is not something I'm going to concern myself with anymore. I'll accept it, learn from it, and move on ... all I can do is sit in anticipation of tomorrow.

In all honesty, I'm much happier being the person that sees the humor in life rather than the person trying to find the meaning behind it ...

I guess it's just frustrating to know all of this about me ... to know that I've known this for a while ... so why don't I listen?

I frustrate myself.

don't understand

I don't understand, maybe there is nothing TO understand. I did what I thought was right ... but then why doesn't it feel that way?

I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I did something ... that I didn't just let it sit as I would have in the past. So maybe it didn't end up the way I thought it would, not even really close. I should take solace in the fact that I tried.

So why do I still feel uneasy? Why do I feel like instead of correcting a wrong I just added one more?

I really think too much ...

humbled ...

Sorry haven't been posting as much ... I guess I've just been busy, and in my attempts at quelling my propensity for over thinking, I've been avoiding sitting down to write. That being said, just thought I would keep this one light.

Something happened on Friday that just makes me laugh, and apparently makes other people laugh (you know who YOU are ... i admit it's funny) ... at myself. Let me lay out the scenario. I was downtown and had just registered for a few classes at the university. It was a miserable day, with rain coming down and the temperature hovering somewhere between water and snow ... which inevitably leads to ice. I was heading up to the bus stop when I saw that MY bus was there ... I was too far away and decided that I would just have to suffer and wait for the next one. Fortunately or unfortunately the fates provided me with a traffic light, stopping the bus, and allowing me enough time to make it ... problem is I had to run.

So now we've covered the environmental variables, the events, and the thoughts running through my mind.

I sprinted up the street, getting drenched in water with each step, although I figured it would be worth it as long as I could make the safety and warmth of the bus. I got to the door and put on the breaks when certain laws of physics came into play ...

problem 1 - there's ice all over the sidewalk
problem 2 - I was really booking it
problem 3 - these shoes were made for walking ... not coming to instant stops

I'm sure you can all figure out what happened next. I slipped ... I fell ... I slid ... right ... by ... the window. I got up dusted myself off, and with what little dignity remained, I made the conscious decision to get on the bus even though I wanted to just keep on walking.

I got on the bus - which was full by the way - and quietly stood in all my soaking glory, trying hard to not acknowledge the fact that my entire ass was dripping, or that I could feel a hundred eyes staring and people smiling ... brutal. So I did what anyone would do ... I stared into space and pretended that everything was ok ... while I tried to not laugh at the entire situation, but I sure was grinning like an idiot.

Definitely one of the more humbling moments of my recent past ... but I'll admit, if I saw that happen to someone elsee ... I'd probably be laughing too :)