Stopping the stt ... stt .. stuttering

So I've been thinking for what feels like forever ... I said I had lots on my mind and here is what it boils down to ... I'm an idiot.

I'm by no means perfect. I doubt anyone is, and it's those imperfections that make everyone unique. That being said I realize my two biggest faults are my tendency to dwell on the past, and my inability to sometimes see the difference between constructive thought, and over thinking. Both faults serve me well in the work environment, where experience and logic help to find better solutions to current problems. It's turning off the "work me" when it comes to dealing with my life that I have to admit is infuriating. Actually lord knows how many times people have wanted to and I've wanted to beat myself silly, and if I could I would, but I can't ... so instead I've got to just accept it, and make some changes.

The past is there to guide me. Dwelling on it, and thinking of things that could have been done, etc. is ok up to a certain extent. Knowing the limit is something that I'm working on to improve, because past a certain point I've come to realize you start letting your past dictate your future. I don't want to do that. I want to learn from my past, but then I want to move forward.

Thinking is great, and everyone should reflect on their issues ... but once again nitpicking over details, and over analyzing items until you see 50 solutions to one problem is overkill. It only leads to indecision, when sometimes maybe most of the time the right answer was right there in front of you.

I know I've said similar things in the past ... so why am I still talking about it? I think when things go bad you look for tried and true methods ... it's comfortable, you know how to go about it, you've done it before. I told myself I wouldn't but once things hit a certain point I think I just succumbed to it all ... because it was easier NOT better.

So "moving forward" and looking to tomorrow is something that I am working on. It's not an overnight process, but as long as I keep it in mind, things will improve. "Why do things happen?" is not something I'm going to concern myself with anymore. I'll accept it, learn from it, and move on ... all I can do is sit in anticipation of tomorrow.

In all honesty, I'm much happier being the person that sees the humor in life rather than the person trying to find the meaning behind it ...

I guess it's just frustrating to know all of this about me ... to know that I've known this for a while ... so why don't I listen?

I frustrate myself.

don't understand

I don't understand, maybe there is nothing TO understand. I did what I thought was right ... but then why doesn't it feel that way?

I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I did something ... that I didn't just let it sit as I would have in the past. So maybe it didn't end up the way I thought it would, not even really close. I should take solace in the fact that I tried.

So why do I still feel uneasy? Why do I feel like instead of correcting a wrong I just added one more?

I really think too much ...

humbled ...

Sorry haven't been posting as much ... I guess I've just been busy, and in my attempts at quelling my propensity for over thinking, I've been avoiding sitting down to write. That being said, just thought I would keep this one light.

Something happened on Friday that just makes me laugh, and apparently makes other people laugh (you know who YOU are ... i admit it's funny) ... at myself. Let me lay out the scenario. I was downtown and had just registered for a few classes at the university. It was a miserable day, with rain coming down and the temperature hovering somewhere between water and snow ... which inevitably leads to ice. I was heading up to the bus stop when I saw that MY bus was there ... I was too far away and decided that I would just have to suffer and wait for the next one. Fortunately or unfortunately the fates provided me with a traffic light, stopping the bus, and allowing me enough time to make it ... problem is I had to run.

So now we've covered the environmental variables, the events, and the thoughts running through my mind.

I sprinted up the street, getting drenched in water with each step, although I figured it would be worth it as long as I could make the safety and warmth of the bus. I got to the door and put on the breaks when certain laws of physics came into play ...

problem 1 - there's ice all over the sidewalk
problem 2 - I was really booking it
problem 3 - these shoes were made for walking ... not coming to instant stops

I'm sure you can all figure out what happened next. I slipped ... I fell ... I slid ... right ... by ... the window. I got up dusted myself off, and with what little dignity remained, I made the conscious decision to get on the bus even though I wanted to just keep on walking.

I got on the bus - which was full by the way - and quietly stood in all my soaking glory, trying hard to not acknowledge the fact that my entire ass was dripping, or that I could feel a hundred eyes staring and people smiling ... brutal. So I did what anyone would do ... I stared into space and pretended that everything was ok ... while I tried to not laugh at the entire situation, but I sure was grinning like an idiot.

Definitely one of the more humbling moments of my recent past ... but I'll admit, if I saw that happen to someone elsee ... I'd probably be laughing too :)

MY LITTLE blue book

I was going through some old papers and I came across an old mini blue book which I've had for longer than I care to remember. I've always used it for scrap paper, or when I needed to jot down some numbers, notes, lists, etc. ...

Anyways I was just sitting here when I accidentally opened it to an earlier page. On it was a letter that I had written to someone in 2001 ... 5 years ago ... I quickly went to the beginning of the notebook and slowly made my way through it. Memories of those troubled times sitting in my apartment came flooding back ... I remember the confusion, the heartbreak, the depression ... the seemingly endless amount of bad luck ... As I turned every page, I could see the frustration and the struggle to justify my self worth as I searched in vain for jobs - a "career". Even the positions that I applied for would slowly degrade, until by the very end I was willing to settle for anything ... Interspersed throughout, were notes to myself regarding my search and my life in what appears to be some sort of feeble attempt to cheer myself up.

Well ... eventually I did find a job, but it required moving back to my hometown. The move ended up putting a strain on a relationship that was strained as is, and I think it set into motion a chain of events that would eventually tear us apart 2 years later. My little notebook details all the items for the move, as well as the contempt I felt for that person. I thought they just didn't understand, when in reality I don't think I understood.

At that point in my life all I cared about was finding a job ... I thought that was everything, that it was all there was in life. I guess I had been raised to believe that a successful career equals a successful life. The funny thing was in the end I lost that job because of September 11th. (Yup ... our financial backers were in one of the buildings that fell.) What followed was more confusion, more self doubt, and more moving except this time it was across the continent. Once again the lists piled up, items to bring, positions to apply for, mixed with notes to myself questioning what I was doing ...

What's my point?

In the end I've come to realize that a successful career doesn't really mean much, at least not to me. It merely provides me with the necessary means to do what I want. I realize that what I do with my life is much more interesting and is a far better gauge of success. Through it all my little blue book has itemized my priorities at any given time, given me check lists of things to do, to remember, etc. ... and reading it now shows me how far I've really come and what I've accomplished.

Back on September 21st, 2001 I wrote something terrible ... I seemed to truly believe that my world was falling apart. Now I sit here - 5 years later - still in one piece, with great friends, a great family, a better "career", a better set of priorities ... and now, a better perspective.

the endless pile ...

I feel like I'm walking through an endless pile, with each step sinking me deeper and deeper. Once in awhile a step forward takes me higher ... up ... and out, but the next step inevitably brings me back down even further than before.

It's a tease ... a taste of something that you want and as quickly as you can have it, it's taken away from you.

What am I talking about? The chain of events that for one reason or another keep coming wave, after never ending wave. I thought that for the most part I was past the bad, and it was on to the good ... so then why am I back here? Why do things keep happening?

It just makes me wonder when and if things will get better. Actually ... I know things WILL get better, that's not the problem ... the problem is WHEN. I'm growing rather impatient with the fates, god(s), forces that be ... I'm almost afraid to ask how much worse it can get because I know it can get worse and I'm afraid someone/something might answer.

I'm just very tired of having to deal with one thing or another ... I'm also very tired of writing about doom and gloom, I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of the negative thoughts, and the endless amount of cliches people tend to feed you in times like this ... most of all I miss ME.

You know what ... I'm done. I refuse to be dragged down by any of it anymore, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm dragging others down with me. No more whining, complaining, bitching ... because honestly as exhausting as it is to talk about and think about, I'm sure it's just as exhausting to have to listen to it ... for what feels like YEARS now.

It, whatever "it" is had it's moment, and I think now would be a good time for an exit. So I'm putting an end to it ... right ... now ...

... but before whatever is responsible for this endless pile can get out the door ... I'm going to grab it, and choke the living sh*t out it ... :) Who hasn't ever wanted to do that?

where am i?

This could be a long one so I hope you've got time ... Everything happens for a reason ... or at least that's what I've been told.

Things work out the way they should ... blah blah blah.

I find it funny where everyone is in life. Some people are just learning about themselves, other people think they have it all figured out ... I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone, but I don't think you ever really know ... I think you can figure out certain situations, I think you are always learning about yourself, and I think you can figure out you "right now" but you never really have it all down and set in stone. If you do, then that's too bad ... because no one is ever prepared for everything.

So much has happened over the past month and a half ... and most of it ... actually all of it was not good. I wonder if this is karma coming back to kick me in the ass for the terrible things I've done. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in karma, because it means I deserve this somehow. Maybe this is just a down time ... or maybe this is the result of too much thought. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't fun.

I still haven't thanked that person ... I still miss them, and I still care about them deeply. At least I figured that out. (I hope you read this because I want to tell you all this ... i also want to let you know that you truly inspired me to do something good and worthwhile, not only for myself but for others, for that ... thank you.)

I feel like a coward for writing this here. I should be saying it to that person with my own voice instead of words just thrown into cyberspace. I wish I had that chance, or that opportunity to do so ... I still have hope that I will, but as every day passes ... I just don't know.

So where am I? It depends on the day ... right now though ... I'd have to say somewhere between here and there ... I thought I would have more to say, and I do but part of me says this is neither the time or place.

First Steps

wow ... I've had quite a few posts this week, I guess I've had quite a bit on my mind ...

Today was officially my first day in something completely new.

I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive at first. I didn't exactly know what to expect, but all I can say is that I'm glad I went. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be but at the same time it's exactly what I wanted. The kids were great, and although they were a little hesitant, some of them did warm up to me by the end. (I think something about me being shorter than some of them had something to do with it ;)) Granted it's obvious that some ... maybe most of them, have issues that can't be understood in the short amount of time that I spent with them, I think as long as I'm honest we'll come to understand and respect each other.

For those who are curious, the center is in a part of an old church. They provide computers and internet, there's a pool table, fooseball, weights, arts and crafts, a small kitchen ... and a variety of other items to keep the kids entertained. The center is open 7 days a week at set hours. Every day has a different "main" activity associated with it. For example tomorrow is dancing, Sunday is basketball, Tuesdays are cooking, etc.

After some initial awkwardness I spent most of the night talking and doodling. Apparently the kids were impressed with my drawing skills, so I spent a majority of my time teaching some of them how to draw waves, flowers, and faces. I also helped a 12 year old draw a train for her new baby cousin, and a 16 yr. old understand her english assignment. Interspersed throughout the fun and games ... I observed ways in which the kids interacted with each other, spoke to them about their day, as well as learned how to broach some sensitive subjects. They're all really good kids who have just had some tough breaks ... whether it's a broken home, anger issues, being in and out of foster care, etc ... but with all they are going through they somehow are succeeding, and I think a lot of the credit goes to the volunteers at the center.

Overall I would have to say it was ... exciting ... liberating ... and definitely very grounding. I guess you never realize how great you had it as a kid until you aren't one. I do know I'll be back, and I know it will be more than once a week.

First steps ... all things have to start somewhere, and I'm pretty pleased with these ones ...

Invictus

People have asked me about my quote ... it's from a poem written in 1875 by William Ernest Henley. Henley was crippled by tuberculosis, and in the hospital he began writing free-verse impressionistic poems. This is one of his more famous ones, and it is titled Invictus, which is Latin for ..unconquered...:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the budgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how straight the gait,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

understanding being misunderstood

There is nothing quite like being misunderstood ... everyone passing judgement on what you say or do, but by the very definition of being misunderstood you never get a chance to defend yourself, or at least no one is willing to listen ...

In the end you're just frustrated and tired. You have no more fight left in you and you realize you just have to ... stop, and suffer through it. People looking at you as though they know ... but they don't.

It's like wanting to shout but not having a voice. It's like drowning.

Being perceived in a false light or blamed for things that are not necessarily your fault, but no matter what you do you can never express it, you can never get your point across ... no one wants to hear it. The thought is formed ... brain to muscles ... muscles open mouth ... throat adjusts ... lungs inflate ... deflate ... and .... nothing. Nothing comes out, and yet the idea is there stuck in your head. You can almost hold it in your hands, but for whatever reason no one can see it ... or maybe no one wants to see it.

Do you know what I mean? ... Do you understand, or am I being misunderstood?

Mind F*cked

I think I need a vacation from ... me ... I just spent the first half of the day thinking that it was Friday, even though there were several indications that it was not FRIDAY.

Let's go over some of the items that should have given me a clue ...

1. paycheck on my desk ... that only happens on Thursdays. Saw it, acknowledged it, and then put it in my drawer. clueless ...
2. Coordinated a large push from our DEV server to Production for tomorrow ... tomorrow being Friday. All smiles, lots of head nodding, lots of agreement on the process for tomorrow, and plenty of use of the word Friday. Once again ... apparently no one was home because "FRIDAY" did not register ... if I could I would beat myself silly ... and not in that way you sick bastards.
3. Conversations - many conversations, with different people ... all ... frick'n ... morning. Things that were said "So you can review those resumes and we'll discuss them Friday morning", "We'll push the code FRIDAY morning.", "Happy thanksgiving, are you going out for the big sales on Friday?" ... notice the multiple use of the word FRIDAY ... it's peppered throughout all the conversations, I even made use of the word, yet for whatever reason it did not seem to register.

Apparently the little "me's" in my head have taken today off ... you know what screw it ... I'm taking today off too! See you later productivity and constructive thought ... I'll check back with ya on Monday ... DAMNIT I still have tomorrow ... ughhh. I don't care Monday it is ... tomorrow will be interesting.

yes i am this bored that i am writing about something as mundane as forgetting what today is ... thank god it's only september ;)