Honestly Speaking

What a crazy year it's been ... starting off so low and building to such great heights only to come crashing back to earth again ... I guess the optimist in me would say at least things have been eventful, exciting ... never a dull moment. Seems like everything but the kitchen sink was thrown my way ... love lost, love found, lost again, love ... health issues galore ... friendships ending, friendships beginning ...

I guess it's just life, it's what was in the cards for 2006 and I for one am grateful that I've survived it all, and that it's coming to an end. These experiences will serve me in the future, and life lessons aren't always sugar and spice ... sometimes it's a good kick in the teeth.

Truthfully though, I'm ready for a little routine vs. the madness that has been my life these past couple of months, and thankfully it looks as though things are starting to wind down as the New Year approaches.

I've definitely grown in too many ways to count ... but if I had to pick one aspect that I'm most proud of, I would have to say it's speaking up with honesty when I actually have something to say. I guess in the past I would have let doubts and fear hold me back ... but I've realized that holding it in is far worse ... and that's the truth :)

See you in two DOUBLE O - 7!

I miss you

I'll keep this one short.

So here it is ... I miss you, there I said it. I don't know why. It's been months since I've seen you, it's been weeks since we've spoken - I mean really spoken - and yet here I find myself thinking about you, wondering what and how you are doing, and generally missing you. You're laugh, our conversations, and just ... you.

Silly huh? Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just a result of too much thought, but I don't think so. I've sorted it all out in my head and this is what I'm left with ... I guess I just don't understand how someone can say so many wonderful things one week, and then turn it all off the next. I don't expect any explanations, it's something I realize I'll never get the answer to ... but that's it ... after all the thinking, etc. this is the one thing I wonder. Is it something I did, was it something else ... who knows ... and so I sit and wonder.

At one point I felt pathetic for even thinking this ... but in the end, I know I'm just being honest and if that's how I feel then that's what I should say.

I guess you left a bigger footprint than you thought ...

Karma or Fate or Both

Sorry I've neglected this little space of mine ... I've opted to go back to a more traditional form of thought tracking (i.e. pen and paper) ... I'm also not completely sure I'm ready to really express all my thoughts. I guess I think some things are better kept private. If I had to sum it all up though ... I guess confusion, chaos, off balance, emptiness, melancholy, up, down, and anger would be some words I would use to describe it ...

Back to the reason I'm here though, Karma or Fate. Are things meant to happen or do things happen because of prior actions? On the one hand you have karma which means that all events have a direct root cause in your past. Something that you've done directly or indirectly plays a part in your future. In this sense when things are great you can only congratulate yourself ... and when things are bad, you can only blame yourself.

On the flipside you have Fate. Fate dictates that everything happens the way it was meant to happen. Life and all that encompasses occurs just as it should. There can really be no blame, and regardless of whether or not you understand it things will occur as they should. This can be comforting in the sense that all the negativity arises from outside forces that you have no control over. At the same time anything that could be labeled as "good" is also not of your own doing.

Overall I find people have a tendency to believe in one or the other ... I have a tendency to believe in both, unfortunately I believe in karma for the negative and fate for the positive which actually means that anything good comes about not from my actions, but from an outside force. All the negativity occurs due to past actions that have somehow triggered a series of events ... in the end you take no credit for your accomplishments, and all the blame for your failures. Depressing isn't it?

I don't think you can believe in both ... I think I need to choose ... or maybe I need to choose option D: "none of the above".

Miss Communication

Alright I'll be honest ... over the past two months I've been concerning myself with someone who just doesn't deserve any concern. Yes I'll finally admit that I wasted my time caring about someone who really doesn't care and really doesn't deserve to be cared about.

It's very harsh to say something like that ... in most circumstances I would agree ... but this is a special case. When someone refuses to communicate ... when someone refuses to be mature, to be an adult and explain their reasons ... when someone does that not once, but on a consistent basis, I think you need to stop making excuses and start realizing the ugly truth. The truth in this matter, is that for whatever reason that person is just not mature enough ... or for whatever reason (probably a fcuk'd up past where this would be considered normal) they just don't understand that what they are doing only perpetuates the problem. In the end they will be doomed to repeat the mistakes that have been made, and in the end ... unfortunately ... they will lead a life of unhappiness until they are willing to accept their faults and do something about it.

So why am I writing all this? Mainly because I realize that I've been looking for answers, and blaming myself for things that really weren't my fault. It took a few friends to make me realize this, and to them I say thank you ... to that person ... I say I am truly sorry you don't seem to have the courage to make the changes that would really change your life for the better. Unfortunately in the end, after all is said and done you really do come across as an immature bitch. Maybe I'm being harsh because you really did hurt me ... or maybe I'm just telling the truth. You decide what it is, but something tells me this isn't the first time you've heard something similar.

I would have loved to have been able to talk to you about all this, but I really believe you would never have given me the chance, so instead I'm left blurting this out into cyber space ... sad isn't it?

Yes ... I'm talking to YOU ...

GROW THE F*CK UP

Here is something that I just can't stand. People going out, doing stupid things, and somehow dragging me into the fall out from said stupidity.

News FLASH you're grown ass adults take some frick'n responsibility for your actions and deal with it ... don't bring me into any of it ... don't try to make me feel bad for something stupid that YOU did. It's as if people want to place the blame for what they've done on someone ... anyone ... just so that they can feel like they've been wronged and nothing was their fault.

Well I'm not buying it. I'm not dealing with it ... I really don't care how you feel, or if you're uncomfortable, etc. You know what, you're an adult, you want to be treated like one, then realize that YOU made the decisions, YOU did what you thought was fun at the time and now YOU should deal with the repercussions. Don't bring me some sob story about this or that ...

Seriously GROW THE F*CK UP and realize that yes there are actual consequences to your actions and maybe you should pull up your f*ck'n diapers and deal with it yourself. Quit acting like a baby ... because if that's what you are then I have no time to deal with you or you're petty little problems.

Here's some milk and a bottle ... you can suck it.

Stopping the stt ... stt .. stuttering

So I've been thinking for what feels like forever ... I said I had lots on my mind and here is what it boils down to ... I'm an idiot.

I'm by no means perfect. I doubt anyone is, and it's those imperfections that make everyone unique. That being said I realize my two biggest faults are my tendency to dwell on the past, and my inability to sometimes see the difference between constructive thought, and over thinking. Both faults serve me well in the work environment, where experience and logic help to find better solutions to current problems. It's turning off the "work me" when it comes to dealing with my life that I have to admit is infuriating. Actually lord knows how many times people have wanted to and I've wanted to beat myself silly, and if I could I would, but I can't ... so instead I've got to just accept it, and make some changes.

The past is there to guide me. Dwelling on it, and thinking of things that could have been done, etc. is ok up to a certain extent. Knowing the limit is something that I'm working on to improve, because past a certain point I've come to realize you start letting your past dictate your future. I don't want to do that. I want to learn from my past, but then I want to move forward.

Thinking is great, and everyone should reflect on their issues ... but once again nitpicking over details, and over analyzing items until you see 50 solutions to one problem is overkill. It only leads to indecision, when sometimes maybe most of the time the right answer was right there in front of you.

I know I've said similar things in the past ... so why am I still talking about it? I think when things go bad you look for tried and true methods ... it's comfortable, you know how to go about it, you've done it before. I told myself I wouldn't but once things hit a certain point I think I just succumbed to it all ... because it was easier NOT better.

So "moving forward" and looking to tomorrow is something that I am working on. It's not an overnight process, but as long as I keep it in mind, things will improve. "Why do things happen?" is not something I'm going to concern myself with anymore. I'll accept it, learn from it, and move on ... all I can do is sit in anticipation of tomorrow.

In all honesty, I'm much happier being the person that sees the humor in life rather than the person trying to find the meaning behind it ...

I guess it's just frustrating to know all of this about me ... to know that I've known this for a while ... so why don't I listen?

I frustrate myself.

don't understand

I don't understand, maybe there is nothing TO understand. I did what I thought was right ... but then why doesn't it feel that way?

I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I did something ... that I didn't just let it sit as I would have in the past. So maybe it didn't end up the way I thought it would, not even really close. I should take solace in the fact that I tried.

So why do I still feel uneasy? Why do I feel like instead of correcting a wrong I just added one more?

I really think too much ...

humbled ...

Sorry haven't been posting as much ... I guess I've just been busy, and in my attempts at quelling my propensity for over thinking, I've been avoiding sitting down to write. That being said, just thought I would keep this one light.

Something happened on Friday that just makes me laugh, and apparently makes other people laugh (you know who YOU are ... i admit it's funny) ... at myself. Let me lay out the scenario. I was downtown and had just registered for a few classes at the university. It was a miserable day, with rain coming down and the temperature hovering somewhere between water and snow ... which inevitably leads to ice. I was heading up to the bus stop when I saw that MY bus was there ... I was too far away and decided that I would just have to suffer and wait for the next one. Fortunately or unfortunately the fates provided me with a traffic light, stopping the bus, and allowing me enough time to make it ... problem is I had to run.

So now we've covered the environmental variables, the events, and the thoughts running through my mind.

I sprinted up the street, getting drenched in water with each step, although I figured it would be worth it as long as I could make the safety and warmth of the bus. I got to the door and put on the breaks when certain laws of physics came into play ...

problem 1 - there's ice all over the sidewalk
problem 2 - I was really booking it
problem 3 - these shoes were made for walking ... not coming to instant stops

I'm sure you can all figure out what happened next. I slipped ... I fell ... I slid ... right ... by ... the window. I got up dusted myself off, and with what little dignity remained, I made the conscious decision to get on the bus even though I wanted to just keep on walking.

I got on the bus - which was full by the way - and quietly stood in all my soaking glory, trying hard to not acknowledge the fact that my entire ass was dripping, or that I could feel a hundred eyes staring and people smiling ... brutal. So I did what anyone would do ... I stared into space and pretended that everything was ok ... while I tried to not laugh at the entire situation, but I sure was grinning like an idiot.

Definitely one of the more humbling moments of my recent past ... but I'll admit, if I saw that happen to someone elsee ... I'd probably be laughing too :)

MY LITTLE blue book

I was going through some old papers and I came across an old mini blue book which I've had for longer than I care to remember. I've always used it for scrap paper, or when I needed to jot down some numbers, notes, lists, etc. ...

Anyways I was just sitting here when I accidentally opened it to an earlier page. On it was a letter that I had written to someone in 2001 ... 5 years ago ... I quickly went to the beginning of the notebook and slowly made my way through it. Memories of those troubled times sitting in my apartment came flooding back ... I remember the confusion, the heartbreak, the depression ... the seemingly endless amount of bad luck ... As I turned every page, I could see the frustration and the struggle to justify my self worth as I searched in vain for jobs - a "career". Even the positions that I applied for would slowly degrade, until by the very end I was willing to settle for anything ... Interspersed throughout, were notes to myself regarding my search and my life in what appears to be some sort of feeble attempt to cheer myself up.

Well ... eventually I did find a job, but it required moving back to my hometown. The move ended up putting a strain on a relationship that was strained as is, and I think it set into motion a chain of events that would eventually tear us apart 2 years later. My little notebook details all the items for the move, as well as the contempt I felt for that person. I thought they just didn't understand, when in reality I don't think I understood.

At that point in my life all I cared about was finding a job ... I thought that was everything, that it was all there was in life. I guess I had been raised to believe that a successful career equals a successful life. The funny thing was in the end I lost that job because of September 11th. (Yup ... our financial backers were in one of the buildings that fell.) What followed was more confusion, more self doubt, and more moving except this time it was across the continent. Once again the lists piled up, items to bring, positions to apply for, mixed with notes to myself questioning what I was doing ...

What's my point?

In the end I've come to realize that a successful career doesn't really mean much, at least not to me. It merely provides me with the necessary means to do what I want. I realize that what I do with my life is much more interesting and is a far better gauge of success. Through it all my little blue book has itemized my priorities at any given time, given me check lists of things to do, to remember, etc. ... and reading it now shows me how far I've really come and what I've accomplished.

Back on September 21st, 2001 I wrote something terrible ... I seemed to truly believe that my world was falling apart. Now I sit here - 5 years later - still in one piece, with great friends, a great family, a better "career", a better set of priorities ... and now, a better perspective.

the endless pile ...

I feel like I'm walking through an endless pile, with each step sinking me deeper and deeper. Once in awhile a step forward takes me higher ... up ... and out, but the next step inevitably brings me back down even further than before.

It's a tease ... a taste of something that you want and as quickly as you can have it, it's taken away from you.

What am I talking about? The chain of events that for one reason or another keep coming wave, after never ending wave. I thought that for the most part I was past the bad, and it was on to the good ... so then why am I back here? Why do things keep happening?

It just makes me wonder when and if things will get better. Actually ... I know things WILL get better, that's not the problem ... the problem is WHEN. I'm growing rather impatient with the fates, god(s), forces that be ... I'm almost afraid to ask how much worse it can get because I know it can get worse and I'm afraid someone/something might answer.

I'm just very tired of having to deal with one thing or another ... I'm also very tired of writing about doom and gloom, I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of the negative thoughts, and the endless amount of cliches people tend to feed you in times like this ... most of all I miss ME.

You know what ... I'm done. I refuse to be dragged down by any of it anymore, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm dragging others down with me. No more whining, complaining, bitching ... because honestly as exhausting as it is to talk about and think about, I'm sure it's just as exhausting to have to listen to it ... for what feels like YEARS now.

It, whatever "it" is had it's moment, and I think now would be a good time for an exit. So I'm putting an end to it ... right ... now ...

... but before whatever is responsible for this endless pile can get out the door ... I'm going to grab it, and choke the living sh*t out it ... :) Who hasn't ever wanted to do that?

where am i?

This could be a long one so I hope you've got time ... Everything happens for a reason ... or at least that's what I've been told.

Things work out the way they should ... blah blah blah.

I find it funny where everyone is in life. Some people are just learning about themselves, other people think they have it all figured out ... I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone, but I don't think you ever really know ... I think you can figure out certain situations, I think you are always learning about yourself, and I think you can figure out you "right now" but you never really have it all down and set in stone. If you do, then that's too bad ... because no one is ever prepared for everything.

So much has happened over the past month and a half ... and most of it ... actually all of it was not good. I wonder if this is karma coming back to kick me in the ass for the terrible things I've done. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in karma, because it means I deserve this somehow. Maybe this is just a down time ... or maybe this is the result of too much thought. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't fun.

I still haven't thanked that person ... I still miss them, and I still care about them deeply. At least I figured that out. (I hope you read this because I want to tell you all this ... i also want to let you know that you truly inspired me to do something good and worthwhile, not only for myself but for others, for that ... thank you.)

I feel like a coward for writing this here. I should be saying it to that person with my own voice instead of words just thrown into cyberspace. I wish I had that chance, or that opportunity to do so ... I still have hope that I will, but as every day passes ... I just don't know.

So where am I? It depends on the day ... right now though ... I'd have to say somewhere between here and there ... I thought I would have more to say, and I do but part of me says this is neither the time or place.

First Steps

wow ... I've had quite a few posts this week, I guess I've had quite a bit on my mind ...

Today was officially my first day in something completely new.

I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive at first. I didn't exactly know what to expect, but all I can say is that I'm glad I went. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be but at the same time it's exactly what I wanted. The kids were great, and although they were a little hesitant, some of them did warm up to me by the end. (I think something about me being shorter than some of them had something to do with it ;)) Granted it's obvious that some ... maybe most of them, have issues that can't be understood in the short amount of time that I spent with them, I think as long as I'm honest we'll come to understand and respect each other.

For those who are curious, the center is in a part of an old church. They provide computers and internet, there's a pool table, fooseball, weights, arts and crafts, a small kitchen ... and a variety of other items to keep the kids entertained. The center is open 7 days a week at set hours. Every day has a different "main" activity associated with it. For example tomorrow is dancing, Sunday is basketball, Tuesdays are cooking, etc.

After some initial awkwardness I spent most of the night talking and doodling. Apparently the kids were impressed with my drawing skills, so I spent a majority of my time teaching some of them how to draw waves, flowers, and faces. I also helped a 12 year old draw a train for her new baby cousin, and a 16 yr. old understand her english assignment. Interspersed throughout the fun and games ... I observed ways in which the kids interacted with each other, spoke to them about their day, as well as learned how to broach some sensitive subjects. They're all really good kids who have just had some tough breaks ... whether it's a broken home, anger issues, being in and out of foster care, etc ... but with all they are going through they somehow are succeeding, and I think a lot of the credit goes to the volunteers at the center.

Overall I would have to say it was ... exciting ... liberating ... and definitely very grounding. I guess you never realize how great you had it as a kid until you aren't one. I do know I'll be back, and I know it will be more than once a week.

First steps ... all things have to start somewhere, and I'm pretty pleased with these ones ...

Invictus

People have asked me about my quote ... it's from a poem written in 1875 by William Ernest Henley. Henley was crippled by tuberculosis, and in the hospital he began writing free-verse impressionistic poems. This is one of his more famous ones, and it is titled Invictus, which is Latin for ..unconquered...:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the budgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how straight the gait,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

understanding being misunderstood

There is nothing quite like being misunderstood ... everyone passing judgement on what you say or do, but by the very definition of being misunderstood you never get a chance to defend yourself, or at least no one is willing to listen ...

In the end you're just frustrated and tired. You have no more fight left in you and you realize you just have to ... stop, and suffer through it. People looking at you as though they know ... but they don't.

It's like wanting to shout but not having a voice. It's like drowning.

Being perceived in a false light or blamed for things that are not necessarily your fault, but no matter what you do you can never express it, you can never get your point across ... no one wants to hear it. The thought is formed ... brain to muscles ... muscles open mouth ... throat adjusts ... lungs inflate ... deflate ... and .... nothing. Nothing comes out, and yet the idea is there stuck in your head. You can almost hold it in your hands, but for whatever reason no one can see it ... or maybe no one wants to see it.

Do you know what I mean? ... Do you understand, or am I being misunderstood?

Mind F*cked

I think I need a vacation from ... me ... I just spent the first half of the day thinking that it was Friday, even though there were several indications that it was not FRIDAY.

Let's go over some of the items that should have given me a clue ...

1. paycheck on my desk ... that only happens on Thursdays. Saw it, acknowledged it, and then put it in my drawer. clueless ...
2. Coordinated a large push from our DEV server to Production for tomorrow ... tomorrow being Friday. All smiles, lots of head nodding, lots of agreement on the process for tomorrow, and plenty of use of the word Friday. Once again ... apparently no one was home because "FRIDAY" did not register ... if I could I would beat myself silly ... and not in that way you sick bastards.
3. Conversations - many conversations, with different people ... all ... frick'n ... morning. Things that were said "So you can review those resumes and we'll discuss them Friday morning", "We'll push the code FRIDAY morning.", "Happy thanksgiving, are you going out for the big sales on Friday?" ... notice the multiple use of the word FRIDAY ... it's peppered throughout all the conversations, I even made use of the word, yet for whatever reason it did not seem to register.

Apparently the little "me's" in my head have taken today off ... you know what screw it ... I'm taking today off too! See you later productivity and constructive thought ... I'll check back with ya on Monday ... DAMNIT I still have tomorrow ... ughhh. I don't care Monday it is ... tomorrow will be interesting.

yes i am this bored that i am writing about something as mundane as forgetting what today is ... thank god it's only september ;)

an update on changing the world ...

Thought I would take the time to give an update on the progress of my plan ... it's only been about a week now (Wednesday November 15th) since I first thought of this ... thing, idea, epiphany ... or whatever else one might call it.

Anyways in that week I've contacted a friend about helping out at a teen center, as well as being available to help with all charity events, etc. I'm actually supposed to start this Friday which is pretty ... awesome (for lack of a better word) ... but this is just a band aid soultion in terms of my overall goals. Although, I am hoping it exposes me to a number of ways in which help can be provided, as well as different causes.

In looking ahead further down the road, I've also been researching various organizations. Some are local and some are international ... either way I'm open to both. The list so far includes the YMCA, Montreal Children's Hospital, United Way, UNICEF, Habitat for Humanity ... and then a few more local community care groups, and some other large organizations. I'm still looking into as many as I can ... My main goal by trying to volunteer with some of the more well established organizations, is that I hope to get into a position where I can get a better view of how they run. What is needed, what is involved, how does it all come together ... between the community, funds being dispersed, etc. I guess you can say that I view it as an education. I hope to be volunteering at one of these larger organizations by early next year.

Overall my plan is proceeding at ... an acceptable pace. I'm obviously not going to change the world over night ... No ... first I need to gain more experience, get a better understanding of how everything works, and make the necessary contacts. From there I think it will be easier to set something up, as well as recruit like minded individuals. So what is the plan? It's still on a 5-10 year timeline although, I'm definitely pushing for 5. I hope to have narrowed my focus on what "cause" etc. by the end of year one, although ideally I would like to be able to handle many at once. Kind of like a different branch of the same organization, each branch dealing with a specific cause but sharing the same pool of resources. As of right now I'm leaning heavily towards a non-profit organization, that has more of a global reach ... but realistically I am willing to start local. It has to be self sustaining ... as much as possible I would like to avoid having to depend on grants, and fundraisers. In the beginning I imagine I would split time between that and work, and hopefully by the end of the 10 years I'll have enough capital, time, etc. to move over permanently ... of course these are all just ideas, things may happen sooner ;) ... call me crazy if you want, but wish me luck.

On a side note, it'll be interesting to see where "this" is in a year from now ...

What does sorry really mean?

I've thought about this question for some time, and I think in most cases "sorry" is just a word ... I think some people get so used to saying it that they forget it's meaning, and what is involved with the act of actually expressing it ... Certain people use it as easily as saying thank you or good bye and for those few, it loses it's meaning. It becomes something said in passing with nothing behind it.

BUT ... in certain instances ... when sorry is said with heart and conviction, I believe it takes on a whole other meaning. It fulfills it's definition of the idea or sentiment it is meant to convey. Sorry expresses regret over actions or events that have occurred. It tells the person that if possible, the individual offering the apology would gladly go back in time to undo things that have occurred, prior mistakes, words exchanged, etc. Unfortunately we cannot change the past, and so in it's place we can only offer a heart felt sorry, one said with a firm belief that truly expresses the regret that person feels for what may have transpired.

The final and most important part about the idea of sorry, is that it requires two people. Sorry only fulfills it's true meaning if the other person is willing to believe that the sentiment is true and pure. They have to be willing to accept it ... otherwise sorry is just something that vanishes into thin air ... where no one will see it.

What could've, would've, and should have been ... I am sorry.

I can change the world ...

I can change the world and I'm going to ...

How I'm not quite sure ... yet, but I know I have time, and I have a true desire to do so.

Over the past year I've wanted to do something ... some sort of volunteering or anything that I thought would be helpful to someone else. This feeling had been intensified these past few weeks when I was trying desperately to help someone who I care about ... and while I don't know if I can ... after much thought I realized that this desire did not need to stop ... I guess it's all a part of growing up.

So where does that leave me? I'm not quite sure. I've began the initial steps of formulating a plan in my mind. It's still very rough ... but I think with enough thought, and effort, it is completely feasible. In 5-10 yrs. from now I would like to have some sort of foundation set up ... to help people ... How will I help them? I'm not quite sure, but I have time to figure it out. What I do know is that I would like to set it up like a business ... so my current path is more or less a training period. I also hope that should everything work it would give me the initial capital to start, and then additional funds can be acquired through fund raising, and grants ... I've also taken the initial steps of volunteering through a friend. I'm hoping by doing that it will give me some idea as to the what, where or how of my plan. All I do know is that this plan is at least 5 years away ... and that I would like it to be global, and not local ... I think it's all very feasible as long as I remind myself of why I am doing it.

I know people probably think I'm crazy, or that this is just a thought for "now", but I've really put a lot of time in thinking about this, and the people that know me know I think a lot ... I guess time will be the true judge ...

So why am I writing this? I guess so I never forget ... and to that person, although I don't know if I'll ever say it directly to you but I hope I do ... thank you.

words

I love words. There is nothing better than a sentence that is strung together so perfectly, that it becomes ... poetic.

Words are powerful and beautiful, as they can create emotion, express ideas, and formulate passages that pass the test of time and last for the ages.

But words have their limitation ... without a voice and heart to express these words, sometimes words are just words ... and you rely on the reader to interpret what is being said by the writer. You rely on their feelings, their experiences and their thoughts to color your words with their voice and heart.

Sometimes, maybe most of the time they understand ... but sometimes your words fail you, because without your voice ... they are just words.

Emotion

What are they really?

I've been trying to find a definition for them, and so far the only thing I seem to be able to find are arguments over what emotions really are. Are they psychological, how are they different from feelings ... how does 'affect' come into play.

Robert Masters makes the following distinctions between affect, feeling and emotion: "As I define them, affect is an innately structured, non-cognitive evaluative sensation that may or may not register in consciousness; feeling is affect made conscious, possessing an evaluative capacity that is not only physiologically based, but that is often also psychologically (and sometimes relationally) oriented; and emotion is psychosocially constructed, dramatized feeling."

dramatized feeling? I don't know ... all I know is that those feelings, emotions, affect ... whatever can take a person from the most glorious highs to the most desolate lows. It can make people act in such hurtful ways or it can open people to endearing kindness ... It's so powerful and yet no one can agree on what it really is. I mean there are definitions of what emotion are but no one can say for sure.

Life is certainly a lot more interesting when you allow yourself to be controlled by your emotions. Unfortunately I think some restraint is always necessary ... so that you can find a balance, and maybe keep the highs not so high ... but the lows not so low. There has to be a happy balance somewhere. It's just hard to recognize what that may be ...

anyways ... all I know is that right about now, if there was an emotion for pathetic ... then that's probably what I would be.

a little thing called TRUST

What is trust?

I always thought that trust is something you give someone ... and it's up to them to show that they deserve it ... but once they've lost your trust, then that's it. It's easy to give trust, it's hard to earn it back once you've lost it.

Why am I talking about this? I don't know ... there are so many unanswered questions that I have ... and the more and more I look at it, the more and more I feel like my trust was misplaced. I feel cheated.

It's hard because by my very nature I'm a trusting person. I think you make life too hard for yourself if you're constantly trying to judge people's intentions. Unfortunately I think some people realize that, and because of that they play it like a game. I guess people's pasts too often control their present, and they let it decide for them, willingly or not how they treat each situation. It's too bad that these people don't see how they only hurt themselves ... yes it hurts whoever is involved, but at the end of the day, those people can move on. The ones making these decisions are merely doomed to repeat them over and over again, which leads to one cluster fcuk of a life.

I guess the tough thing is to stay true to yourself, and realize that you're going to get hurt ... but what's the alternative? To become more jaded? To hold back and not say and do the things that better reflect who you are as a person? No ... that's not an alternative I'm willing to accept. For better or for worse, I still believe that there is good out there. That people who are genuinely warm, considerate, truthful ... and honest actually do exist.

I guess the lesson here is to strike a balance. Somewhere between being jaded and being trusting there's a gray area ... still it's such a terrible realization to know that a person cannot live life so positively. That everything still has to account for the negativity, and the dishonest people out there. It shouldn't be a game, you shouldn't have to question each action ... you shouldn't have to be weary of every word ... You should just be able to trust that person and in turn know that they trust you. I guess I'm a dreamer ...

... in the end ... all I know is karma is a bitch ... and what goes around comes around. Fortunately for certain people it'll keep coming and coming ... and the funny thing is they're the ones scratching their heads asking "Why me?"

... missing someone ...

Why is missing someone so hard? Does anyone know?

It feels like an empty space in my mind, soul, body ... but it's not just empty it feels like someone took something, and they didn't replace it with anything except ... air.

Now it just sits there ... this big empty space, and you can tell that there was something there. The dust and dirt are neatly lined around the spot it used to occupy. I just want it back. Whoever took it can please return it anytime they want ...

Missing someone hurts ...

Killing me softly ... with thought

Apparently I'm just one of those people who can't let anything go ... I know that about myself, and yet I can't help it. When I start ... I just pick and pick at something until I'm pretty sure that the world is upside down, the sky is falling and we're all going to die.

I HATE THAT!!! Nothing like realizing the world is coming to an end on a Sunday ... and you haven't even eaten dinner yet. Don't you hate that ...

Of course the world never ends, it isn't upside down, the sky is not falling ... everything is going to be ok ... I know this. I can tell myself I know this ... but I can't let it go. Why? I think I just like the mental torture, maybe I'm a masochist or something. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose. I think maybe it's time to just let it ... go ... or at least I need to learn how to let things go. This just can't be healthy ...

In all seriousness ... this is a problem, and it's only going to cause trouble. I need to learn to stop thinking so much. To stop analyzing things, and to start taking things for what they're worth.

What's in a song?

Lately I've been reminded of how much I love music. Now I'm not a big fan of reading poetry, but I find the lyrics to a well written song are just as poetic. I guess they're the evolution of poetry, set to music, a beat ... and a voice.

I think when a song is well written, and the voice used to express it are on point ... the song becomes something more. Music has the power to move and inspire, to make one reflect, to bring about emotion ... It's a good friend on a cold day, or a happy companion in the sun, either way it's very powerful.

That explains why I keep posting lyrics to songs. The lyrics by themselves are really meaningful - to me at least - but when taken into context, with my mood, the music behind it, and the voice it becomes much much more.

I guess that's why I'm not as into modern music as I used to be. I find that not as many artists focus on all the aspects of their music. I find some just work on the instruments, while some work on the lyrics, and not many focus on the whole package. It's a shame because there are a lot of musicians out there that I'm sure could compete with the best, but for whatever reason no one wants to hear them. Instead we're force fed a steady stream of shit ... like we're too unintelligent to handle anything more.

That's why I'm currently back into soul and early R&B ... a lot of Otis Redding and Etta James. I find that although their songs may sound simple, their voices, the time when they were written, etc. it brings a lot more weight to the songs themselves.

A Life With No Regrets

Living life with no regrets has to be one of the hardest things you can do ...

There are so many decisions to make, and roads to take ... it becomes easy to get confused and follow paths that aren't the ones you want. This leads to more confusion which can only lead to more regrets.

I'm no expert, and I don't pretend to know how to live a life without any, but you can make the simple choice to always stay true to yourself. You know what's best for you, and if you make your decisions knowing that you are doing so because it is what you WOULD do and would WANT to do .. then I think you can be true to who you are. By doing that, you can't really regret any of your decisions.

I find that most regret usually comes from taking other people's advice, without putting it into the perspective of you and your life. While advice is great to receive, if you don't relate it to you then all it becomes, is something that has more to deal with how THAT person would have behaved in your situation.

... being true to yourself will lead to a life with no regrets ... or at least very few. Just something I was batting around in my head ...

Free Me

Just listening to my music, and came across this song by Otis Redding ...

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Free me darling
Don't hang me up
Let me go from your love, now

Just like a prisoner
You got me chained and bound
Unlock 'em, Let me go, let me go
Get 'em from around

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Free me baby, Let me go, Turn me loose
From your love, now

You know I did love you, yeah
Do anything in the world for you
I try my best, I try my very best, yeah, please
The way your treating me
Keep me in misery

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
To walk away
It's up to you
To say we're through

Free me baby, let me go, turn me loose baby
From your love
I got to tell you, Listen this
I know sometime
I wonder do you really love me
And if you don't, if you don't
You got to let me know
Let me go
Your love is not shown
Break these chains
Make them tearing apart
Let me love again

Turn me loose
There ain't no use
Let me go, darling
If you don't want me
Free me
Let me go
Unchain me
From your love

- Otis Redding 1969

A Change is Gonna Come

This song was originally written by Sam Cooke ... but it's been covered many times ...

I was born by a river, oh my
In this little old town
Just like this river
I've been running ever since
It's been a long

Lord, I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come, now
Oh yes it is, my oh my oh my oh my

It's been too hard livin', oh my
And I'm afraid to die
I don't know what's up there
Beyond the clouds
It's been a long

Lord I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come
Oh yes it is, my oh my oh my

There's a time
I will go to my brother, oh my
I would ask my brother
Will you help me please, oh now oh now
He turned me down
And then I asked my little mother, oh my oh
I said mother, I said mother
I'm down on my knees

It's been time that I go
Lord it's too late
Very long, oh now oh

Somehow I thought I was still able
To try to carry on
It's been a long
Lord I'm coming but I know
That changes gonna come
Oh yes it is

Huh, just like I said
I went to my little baby brother, oh my, my little brother
I asked my brother, brother help me please, oh now
He turned me down
And then I go to my little mother, my dear mother, oh now, huh
I said mother, I said mother I'm down on my knees

But there was a time that I go
Lord it's too late
So very long, oh my oh
Somehow I thought I was still able
To try to carry on
It's been a long
Lord I'm coming but I know, but I know
That changes gotta come, oh
It's been so long, It's been so long
A little too long
But changes gotta come
So tired, so tired of suffering
Standing by myself
Has given up a home
But changes gotta come
You know, you know that I know
And I know that you know
Honey, That a change is gonna come, oh now, oh my
I gotta...

- Otis Redding

Hanging out with me, myself and I

I know this is quite the departure from all my posts so long ago, but lately I can't help but think about things. Good, bad whatever ... maybe it's just a phase, who knows, but sometimes it definitely produces some rather interesting thoughts. This weekend has been a particularly good one for just that. Don't worry no over analyzing. These are strictly observations ...

Just sitting here and thinking about all the things that goes on in life ... it's pretty amazing. All the things you go through, all the people you meet, conversations you have, notes you exchange, things you see, things you hear, things you taste, things you feel, people you affect ... I wonder if anyone could ever truly catalog everything that someone could experience throughout the course of their life?

There is so much that you or I as an individual can go through ... and then when you start to consider how many people are out running around in this world, and all the things they are experiencing, doing, living through ... it's mind blowing.

For example at any given moment, someone is crying, someone is laughing, someone is eating, someone is going to bed, someone is waking up, someone is hurting, someone is thinking that this is the best day of their life ... and it just goes on and on ... it's insane.

Now think that you're just one person doing all those things, and multiply it by however many other people are living in the world right now ... it just makes you feel so insignificant. The really cool thing - and I first thought of this while tree planting - if you look up at the sky, you know there are people out there looking up at the same sky you are at the exact moment you are. By doing that, even though we're all apart, it's as though we're connected ...

That's all I wanted to say ... it's just a thought ... and somewhere out there someone else is thinking the exact same thing I am.

ok ... that was my philosophical discussion of the day ...

... the calm ...

Something happened to me this week which made me realize just how out of whack my priorities have been lately. I've been rash, illogical ... basically I haven't been myself. I haven't been thinking clearly ... Then in the blink of an eye I realized that I was so far out from where I want to be, and was left asking "How did I get here?"

It was one of those things that when it happens to other people you say "That's terrible.", but until it happens to you ... I don't think the weight of it all actually hits you until it does. When it did ... all I can say is that I realized I had let my priorities slip out of order, and that a majority of the confusion ... the stress ... etc. ... it was all my fault. I had brought it upon myself without realizing it, and in all honesty I would have probably let it continue ...

I always knew what my priorities were but in "getting caught up in the moment" I let the order get blurry ... Then something happened that just made me realize that a lot of the things I thought were so important really weren't. At least they weren't in the long run ... they were more of "right now" priorities and issues that I was forcing instead of letting the flow of everything run it's natural course.

So what's the answer to "How did I get here?" I guess it comes down to a matter of control, at least for me it does. Like most people, I like to think that I'm always in control or at least have some sort of control over what happens. Like most people when that perception of control is lost, you end up doing anything you can to regain it ... but the reality is, there never was any control in the first place. Recognizing that and then adjusting accordingly brings this ... calm ... It's just a realization that not everything can be controlled. Things happen, regardless of whether or not you want them to. I know most people know that, and we all accept it as common knowledge like a bad cliche ... but we still forget. We let the moment seize us instead of the other way around ...

You know it's true ... but at the specific time, when you're in that moment, you forget and you frustrate yourself with the why's, the who's and the what's when it isn't even your responsibility. They're happening for the simple reason that most things happen ... just because. I'm not saying that a person can't influence certain situations, and that your actions don't play a part in things happening. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't forget that things WILL happen. Nothing is stagnant and everything is constantly moving. The time, the pace, the rate at which all these things occur are simply out of our control.

So instead of focusing on what you can't do, it's important to work on the things that you can. How you read situations and how you react to situations are two things that are completely up to you. I believe everyone should get what they want in life ... the only reason that people don't get it is because they won't let themselves have it ... and that is usually because they're too focused on the control aspect of things instead of working on the reading and reacting ... We get so focused on trying to get a hold on a situation instead of trying our best to read it and react to it positively, therefore that affects you negatively, by leading you to more confusion, more of this sense of loss of control, and so on ... and so on ... and so on, like a never ending spiral away from where you want to be.

Of course who am I to make that judgement ... it's just my opinion, and I guess you can say ... it's just fate ... Where does fate stop and control begin anyways?

Mind Bending Minutiae

That's where I'm at bending the wrinkles out of shite ... usually when life gives me potatoes, I make vodka .. but right about now, there's nothing to fix this crap ... especially not vodka.

At least that's what it feels like. I mean none of this would be so bad if there just didn't seem to be so much. It's almost like every other day it's something new ... just God's or the Fates' little way of saying "Hey there sunshine, let me shove this up your a$$."

All in all ... I guess I really shouldn't complain. There are people out there that have it far worse. It's just that right now ... especially right now, Murphy's Law seems to be humming along at 250 MPH ... Whatever can go wrong, will. Pick anything, ANYTHING, and I can tell you what's going wrong ...

I thought I would say more, but I'm just too damn tired of thinking about all this crap ... hence the title of this post ... MIND BENDING MINUTIAE. I guess that's just life ... What did I say before? Life handing out a lot of strikes but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are ... DAMN IT I hate it when I'm right. I don't want to be a hypocrite either, so I guess I have no choice BUT to deal ... hmmm, I think that's pretty much it.

I guess I just needed to vent. Venting into cyberspace. So that someone in New Dehli can read what some lunatic Canadian is writing about. Dude will probably call me up to see if I need some customer support.

For more on Murphy's Law click here.

something to think about ...

Sorry for getting all political, I just thought it was an interesting letter written by someone who was there ... This was originally posted here

The people of America have been done a great disservice under their current administration. At least they still have a couple of things left - a voice and a vote. This report from a US soldier says it all.

"After Pat’s Birthday"

Posted on Oct 19, 2006

By Kevin Tillman

Editor’s note: Kevin Tillman joined the Army with his brother Pat in 2002, and they served together in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pat was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Kevin, who was discharged in 2005, has written a powerful, must-read document.

It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we got out.

Much has happened since we handed over our voice:

Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.

Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,

Kevin Tillman

HAHA ...

Being ME

For better or for worse, I am who I am. I think what I think, I do what I do, and I say what I say ...

Sometimes people like to think that you should change accordingly as each new situation arises ... but that's not true. You ADAPT, but you should not CHANGE. You do that, and you're not true to yourself ... you're not true to who you are, and the only person you hurt is yourself. You learn from your mistakes, you learn from your experiences, you learn from the past ... so why throw all of that out the window? ... Doesn't make sense.

Takes a while to figure that out, but when you actually figure it out ... why should you ignore it? Why should you disreagrd what took you all that time to learn ... for ... for what? For nothing ... screw that ...

I believe if you stay true to who you are ... things work out the way they should. Maybe it doesn't always work out the way you want it to ... but in the end, once all the dust settles, it works out the way it SHOULD HAVE. Tough to realize, but ... it's the way things work, and it lets you live with no regrets ...

Never ever regret anything in life ... if you regret something ... it's only because you didn't do what you should have done ...

A life without regrets is one worth living ... not hard to remember, but hard to live by.

Over-Analyze

an..a..lyze.. [an-l-ahyz] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
..verb (used with object), -lyzed, -lyz..ing.
1. to separate (a material or abstract entity) into constituent parts or elements; determine the elements or essential features of (opposed to synthesize): to analyze an argument.
2. to examine critically, so as to bring out the essential elements or give the essence of: to analyze a poem.
3. to examine carefully and in detail so as to identify causes, key factors, possible results, etc.
4. to subject to mathematical, chemical, grammatical, etc., analysis.

That's the definition of analyze .. so I'm assuming its safe to conclude that over-analyzing would be overdoing whatever all that is ..

The reason I bring it up is because "analyzing" seems to be one of the things I'm really good at. Unfortunately .. "over-analyzing" is the trap that I constantly lead myself into.

Need to stop thinking so damn much .. that's all. Just wanted to blurt that out .. makes me feel like the first four letters of that word ...

It's hard to be patient ...

Kind of funny that patience would be my next entry ... I mean especially after understanding.

Well patience seems to be something I'm short on at the moment. Maybe it has something to do with being drunk RIGHT NOW ... but I like to think alcohol is more or less a "truth serum". I find most people say the things that are weighing heaviest on their minds when they are drunk ... so that's what I'm doing.

Patience ... everyone seems to believe that I should have that ... like I actually have loads of it. Truth is I don't, or at least it feels as though I've used up all of it. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so damn confused, but it doesn't look like the gods have that in the cards for me. Oh well what can you do?

So patience ... what does it really mean, and how does one act when they are patient? Really? Seriously? Everyone has their own definitions of the word, but no one seems to be able to give me a clear and definite definition of the word ... what does that tell you?

Be patient until then ...

Doesn't that drive you crazy?

Understanding

Just a random thought ... but it was something that came to me in my horoscope of all places ... yeah I know "Since when has a horoscope been right?", but still ... what it said held a lot of truth.

It said "Understand your past to fully live in the present." Now I don't know about you, but that seems to have a lot of truth to it.

You learn so much from your past, and I definitely would not be here if it wasn't for it ... I've learnt a lot ... and however painful some of it may have been, I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything.

With all the good times, there definitely comes some bad, and if you aren't willing to deal with that, then you're lost from the beginning. I realize I am ready for that ...and that's what makes me stronger. Just knowing that, accepting it, and being able to handle ... it ... makes me a better person.

That's why I'm glad for good friends, great conversations, and even better times. It all comes down to a matter of understanding that life dishes out a lot of strikes ... but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are ...

with my own two hands ...

These are the lyrics to "With My Own Two Hands" originally by Ben Harper, but I like the version by Jack Johnson and Ben Harper together.

I can change the world
With my own two hands
Make it a better place
With my own two hands
Make it a kinder place
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

I can make peace on earth
With my own two hands
I can clean up the earth
With my own two hands
I can reach out to you
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

With my own
With my own two hands

I'm going to make it a brighter place
With my own two hands
I'm going to make it a safer place
With my own two hands
I'm going to help the human race
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

With my own
With my own two hands

I can hold you
In my own two hands
And I can comfort you
With my own two hands
But you've got to use
Use your own two hands
Use your own
Use your own two hands

Use your own
Use your own two hands

With our own
Our own two hands

With our own
Our own two hands

With my own
With my own two hands

Lacking Creativity

It's been awhile since I've taken the time to do anything creative ... not very healthy. I think it's good to sometimes put down everything else and just do some thing for yourself ... something interesting, something that uses your mind, exerts energy - physically or mentally. Kind of like an enema for your soul.

Anyways ... where was I? Oh yeah enemas ... no that's not it. Soul cleansing. Things that I've found to work for that are running, walking, being alone with a good book, great music, drawing, writing ... just using my mind more than anything else. I'm glad that as time passes you learn to solve your problems faster before they drown you. Or at least you can be more realistic about things and understand them without needing to always have the solution.

livin' life without certainty isn't always bad, and it definitely keeps you from getting bored, although having a few truths always helps. That's where I'm at ... a few truths, a few maybes, and some uncertainty ... It's that "not knowing" that will usually break you ... which is why I've just had to accept that you control the things that you can, and trust that everything else will reveal itself eventually.

Spoken like someone without any worries? You don't even know ...

Summer Heat

Sweating ... it feels as though that has become my full time occupation. It's almost as if I and the chair my ass is planted in are becoming one. The heat is melting my skin, my clothes, and slowly fusing everything together. The only thing that is currently stopping them is the sickening layer of sweat that seems to have formed across every inch of my body.

But how can you complain? In the winter it's so cold that you feel like one small mistake and you're snapping half your ass off like an icicle ... and then in the summers it's just the opposite. Why isn't there a happy median? Or maybe we just complain to much, when what we should really be doing is enjoying the golden sun, and the warm weather. I always say ... in the winter there isn't much you can do about the cold, but in the summer at least you can swim, wear less ... or drink fruity drinks with a little umbrella in it and lots of booze.

Temple of the Dog

A dog's wet dream? A canine's pleasure toy?

Dogs from all around the world will stare at this photo and drool, in the same way that young prepubescent teen age boys stare at the lingerie section of the Sear's catalog and drool ...

It's been awhile ...

A lot of time has passed since the last post, so I thought I would share a pretty picture or two ... Got it off of this site for those who are interested.