Wednesday, February 28, 2007

taking responsibility

I say this with no trace of anger, malice, or resentment.

In reality I wasn't even going to address it as I think it's better to just leave it in the past, yet against my better judgment I am writing this here. I am not doing this to garner some reaction but I think I should provide or at least owe some explanation ...

I've thought about this and I realize I've spent far too much time apologizing, and far too much time feeling bad for things that I have said, when in reality I was simply speaking my mind.

I'm sor ... no ... It's unfortunate that a certain person had to read some of my previous posts, and it's too bad that they had to find out what I thought, but it is what it is and I will not apologize for that.

I guess they have a short memory if they thought this was the only time where their honesty could be called into question. There are too many other instances where I had always given them the benefit of the doubt because I "trusted" them. For once they were honest, and by their simple admission, they finally confirmed that my trust had been in fact misplaced.

In this case the person uses the truth like an accessory. They speak it only when it suits them, or serves their purposes. It's not that it is none of the other person's business, it's just that they would not benefit from it being known, OR it may work against them, OR it would be too hard and would force them to confront some things about them self that they would rather not acknowledge. It's selfish ...

In the end they were not who they appeared to be ... all their actions, their little lies and half truths ... I take all the blame for putting my trust in them, for always taking their side, and for always believing them.

I am not without fault.

I will readily admit that I was naive, and that some of my actions could and should be considered childish ... or boorish. It's my own fault for letting the whole situation drive me to behave in ways I normally would not consider. It was almost an ... obsession or at least I was obsessing ... I knew what was happening and what I was doing, but it did not prevent me from being asinine in my behavior, and becoming more of a nuisance than anything else. It was maddening but I wouldn't let go, and that frustrated me to no end. I guess I was chasing a truth that was more of a myth, or answers ... and even though many of the facts were right in front of me, they were not the answers I wanted to see or hear.

I am grateful that I at least realize all this, and hopefully these lessons will serve me in the future.

So now ... I thank that person.

I AM SORRY that you proved me right.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

impulsivity

A blog is supposed to be something to share thoughts, etc. I have trouble writing personal items on here ... I usually prefer to stick to generalities in order to mask identities, etc.

In some cases ... or at least lately I feel I've used this as a forum to vent. Vent my frustrations with situations and people ... and I always struggle with whether or not to publish. In some cases I publish certain items, only to delete them at a later date ... or I write items and save them only to publish them later on ...

In the heat of the moment, when I lay aside thought and type through emotions, I know I can say some pretty harsh truths, but that's what they are ... regardless of the words used to relay the information ... they are truth.

So why write this? It's not a disclaimer ... I know the weight of my actions and the consequences ... no, I'm writing this as an explanation as to WHY ... each post has a legitimate truth behind it, and while sometimes a posting may be a spur of the moment impulse, the ones that stay are exactly what I was thinking.

Friday, February 23, 2007

immature

Some people just have no class ... I've come to realize that, and although it's taken me awhile, at least I know.

When you can't even be called upon to deal with something like a normal rational human being, than it begs the question "How f*ck'n old are you???"

No .... instead you have to make up some elaborate scheme ... oh this person emailed you saying this, WHAT? how did that person email you ... listen ... why don't you grown some frick'n balls and for once do something that is remotely mature and say what you really mean instead of trying to pass the buck off on someone else.

Honestly it's pathetic ... and it only makes me happier that I got out of it when I did ... so I guess I should thank you ...

I should thank you for being such an immature bitch ... and honestly ... that is exactly what you are.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

honesty

I try to lead a life of honesty ... I think that people sometimes veer from that path mainly to avoid certain small issues, but at other times they do it to hide inconvenient truths. I think more than anything else dishonesty has to be my biggest pet peeve.

I try and treat each and every person I meet with a few things ... a certain level of respect, some trust (if warranted), and above all else straight up 100 percent honesty. Unfortunately more and more I've come to realize that it's an idealistic view of the world, and of people. I know I've already said this before but ... my best attribute and biggest flaw are that I always try to see the "good" in people ... For the most part it serves me quite well, but I have to say it sometimes blinds me to the 1 or 2 percent of people that I meet who are incredibly dishonest, deceitful ... I guess there's a lesson in everything and meeting those kinds of people from time to time is just a simple reminder that "YES" these people actually exist and chances are that over the course of one's life you'll run into a few.

I guess the main thing to take away from this is that while "they" are out there ... it's important to remember that not everyone is like that. There are lots of decent people out there, and as long as you're as up front and as honest as possible, then the chances of meeting those "undesirables" is diminished.

Life lessons are sometimes hard, but they're honestly worth it.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Innocence of the Unknown

I was talking to a friend not too long ago, and they were relating to me how one of their daughters had recently had a severe bought of gastro or some other malady. The end result being that the poor little thing was now afraid to poo ... mainly because of the fear that it would be as painful as when she was sick ...

It's funny at first when you think about it ... I mean as you get older you learn that things have a cause and effect relationship that inevitably leads to an end result. Therefore it's not hard to imagine yourself avoiding the cause if the end result is negative, or at least understanding the "why" of certain things.

When you're so young though ... it must be terrifying. Without that understanding it becomes difficult and in this case frightening ... in the face of the unknown the innocent are always fearful. At some point the unknown becomes known, and cause and effect can take their rightful place as guides for the future.

Not only about poo ... but I do hope she poos soon ...

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Downtime

There is a lot to be said for sitting alone at home ... with a glass of wine, a good book, and some good friends on the stereo ...

The overall effect is one of calm, one of peace, and a general sigh of the soul that releases all the stress and worries of the day. With every sip and every note played, it's as though one more thing has been washed out of the system. It's something that I haven't done in a long ... long time ... and now that I sit here in silence with nothing but Otis breaking his heart, the warm tingle of the wine as it passes past my palette, and the peace and calm to consider all things great and small ...

I wonder why I don't do it more often. Why is there always such a rush to move things forward, go somewhere, get something done ... sometimes, maybe not all the time ... but sometimes a little procrastination and a little time to be with yourself is just what you need the most.

Friday, February 02, 2007

R.U.C.K.U.S

ruck·us (rŭk'əs)
  • commotion: the act of making a noisy disturbance
  • a noisy commotion; fracas; rumpus
  • A disturbance; a commotion
As I was alluding to earlier ... I've been feeling great, and with the weekend upon us, the weather warming, an early spring coming, and a rediscovery of everything that is eternally sunny ... I just feel a ruckus coming.

It's brewing, it's off on the horizon, but the winds of chaos and commotion are pushing clouds of joy and happiness this way ... and they're coming in a hurry.

So grab a hat and jump on board, there is plenty of room. For all of those reading this, today, tonight, this weekend ... this YEAR ... is the best time to create your own noisy disturbance or commotion of pure merriment ... why? ... because ... because there's no time like the present to push aside worries, stress and the monotony of the every day in exchange for that which inspires, surprises and warms the spirit.

SO BRING IT!!!