Monday, December 10, 2007

Wonder

I wonder ... I'm wondering ...

It's all just thoughts, with no real singular idea(s)/direction ... Nothing clear or concise ...

... it's all just wonders.

In the meantime here's another song ...

Society

It's a mystery to me
we have a greed
with which we have agreed

You think you have to want
more than you need
until you have it all you won't be free

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me

When you want more than you have
you think you need
and when you think more than you want
your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
'cos when you have more than you think
you need more space

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

there's those thinking more or less less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
Means for every point you make
your level drops
kinda like its starting from the top
you can't do that...

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

society, have mercy on me
I hope you're not angry if I disagree
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

-Eddie Vedder

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Road to Peace

This is a really great song by Tom Waits ... kind of a bluesy, folksy song but really good, and what makes it great are the lyrics.

Sorry for getting all serious and political ... but it tells a simple story of Israel vs. Palestine ...

"Road to Peace"

Young Abdel Mahdi (Shahmay) was only 18 years old,
He was the youngest of nine children, never spent a night away from home.
And his mother held his photograph, opening the New York Times
To see the killing has intensified along the road to peace

There was a tall, thin boy with a whispy moustache disguised as an orthodox Jew
On a crowded bus in Jerusalem, some had survived World War Two
And the thunderous explosion blew out windows 200 yards away
With more retribution and seventeen dead along the road to peace

Now at King George Ave and Jaffa Road passengers boarded bus 14a
In the aisle next to the driver Abdel Mahdi (Shahmay)
And the last thing that he said on earth is "God is great and God is good"
And he blew them all to kingdom come upon the road to peace

Now in response to this another kiss of death was visited upon
Yasser Taha, Israel says is an Hamas senior militant
And Israel sent four choppers in, flames engulfed, tears wide open
And it killed his wife and his three year old child leaving only blackened skeletons

It's found his toddlers bottle and a pair of small shoes and they waved them in front of the cameras
But Israel says they did not know that his wife and child were in the car
There are roadblocks everywhere and only suffering on TV
Neither side will ever give up their smallest right along the road to peace

Israel launched it's latest campaign against Hamas on Tuesday
Two days later Hamas shot back and killed five Israeli soldiers
So thousands dead and wounded on both sides most of them middle eastern civilians
They fill the children full of hate to fight an old man's war and die upon the road to peace

"And this is our land we will fight with all our force" say the Palastinians and the Jews
Each side will cut off the hand of anyone who tries to stop the resistance
If the right eye offends thee then you must pluck it out
And Mahmoud Abbas said Sharon had been lost out along the road to peace

Once Kissinger said "we have no friends, America only has interests"
Now our president wants to be seen as a hero and he's hungry for re-election
But Bush is reluctant to risk his future in the fear of his political failures
So he plays chess at his desk and poses for the press 10,000 miles from the road to peace

In the video that they found at the home of Abdel Mahdi (Shahmay)
He held a Kalashnikov rifle and he spoke with a voice like a boy
He was an excellent student, he studied so hard, it was as if he had a future
He told his mother that he had a test that day out along the road to peace

The fundamentalist killing on both sides is standing in the path of peace
But tell me why are we arming the Israeli army with guns and tanks and bullets?
And if God is great and God is good why can't he change the hearts of men?
Well maybe God himself is lost and needs help
Maybe God himself he needs all of our help
Maybe God himself is lost and needs help
He's out upon the road to peace

Well maybe God himself is lost and needs help
Maybe God himself he needs all of our help
And he's lost upon the road to peace
And he's lost upon the road to peace
Out upon the road to peace.

- Tom Waits

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Something Reminded Me

Over the past few months things have happened that just made me think about ... everything.

I've watched family and friends ... join their lives forever ... meet ... greet ... stop ... hurt ... back and forth.

Everywhere people were entering or exiting ... some of it happy and some of it hard.

So what's the point? I don't know somewhere along the way I was reminded of something someone once read to me, and for the longest time I couldn't remember.

Then suddenly for whatever reason (although I don't believe in chance) ... I just remembered ... all of it ... It's a poem by Leonard Cohen and it reminds me of something from long ago that still makes me smile ... life is funny ...

As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill
So my body leaves no scar
On you and never will
Through windows in the dark
The children come, the children go
Like arrows with no targets
Like shackles made of snow

True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun

As a falling leaf may rest
A moment on the air
So your head upon my breast
So my hand upon your hair

And many nights endure
Without a moon or star
So we will endure
When one is gone and far

True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun

- Leonard Cohen

Thursday, August 16, 2007

rambling on

So ... it's been over a month since the last time I entered anything ... and in all honesty there's not much I care to write.

I guess since I have some spare time until the minutes tick by to signal the end of the day, I decided now would be a good time for adding an entry ... or entering an ad?

Much has happened in the span of a month ... do you remember when you were a little kid and a month felt like a year as you anxiously waited for something in the not so distant future ... and now that year feels like a week ... in some cases a day as everything zips by at such a hurried pace.

All at once things you look forward to come and go, and in the meantime the minutes in between become the stage for all sorts of interesting events, occassions, etc. until before you know it ... the month is over. The things that were supposed to be done are done. The events that were supposed to be happenings are now just memories ... fond ones, but memories none the less ...

As I sit here reliving the past month in my mind ... I'm already mentally calculating, examining and planning the next series of events, happenings, etc.

... and so the race comes around to the end, which is the start ... and we all just keep rambling on.

"have you ever ... have you ever ... had some ..."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Filling the Void

It's late, and it's been awhile ... actually it's been a long time. I guess I've just been busy running around ...

So what's the purpose of this one ... I feel as though each and every post has a purpose, and this case is no different.

I guess I'm somewhere in between decisions. So much is going on it's hard to take the time to sit and think through everything. To adjust, to calculate, and to evaluate everything that is going on. In some instances it's as though I'm simply killing time until the next great event ... in other cases it's almost as if there are too many events to keep track of. I guess you just have to take it all in at once and sort it out as it becomes clearer.

What am I talking about? Well there's too much to mention in a few simple paragraphs, but it's definitely fun, it's definitely exciting, and ... it's definitely troublesome. So why write about it? ... I think it's just so that I remeber ... a little reminder to me. Something to say "Do you remember when?"

Just killing time until the next great adventure ...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

E-Z Breezy

I waited all year for summer, and now it's here ... it's hot, it's sticky, people are sweating for no other reason than just being alive ... and it's perfect.

BBQs, places to go, people to see, and it seems as though everyone is in the mood for a party. It's as if the simple fact of "summer" being here has alleviated people of so many burdens. The stress of work ... the stresses of life, love, family ... everything. It all melts away under the punishing heat of the sun.

Unfortunately ... it's already close to the end of JUNE!! I feel as if it's been a whirlwind of activity, with scarcely any time for me to stick my head above the water to just stop ... and breath ... and enjoy the moment of being in the season. That's not to say that the activity hasn't been rewarding and pleasurable ... it is to say that now that it's here, I don't want it to zip on by only to wake up one day and realize we're in fall.

I need to go outside and breath ... even if its just for one ... moment.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

In need ... indeed

As I sit here watching summer pass outside my window, I can't help but feel so ... BLAH ... unmotivated, distracted, antsy ...

I need some serious excitement, I need to be on the road, going somewhere - DESPERATELY! I've always told myself that I would never allow my life to feel like a routine, but unfortunately that's exactly what it feels like. I find each week blends into the next. There is no end or beginning, it's just one complete circle and I just go around and around ... and before I know it, fall will be here, leaves will be changing and I'll be scratching my head wondering where the time went.

Now as I sit here inching closer and closer to 4 years in the same city, I am slowly being reminded of how much I enjoy the challenge of starting a new life. I always wondered if I liked moving every 3 years out of necessity, or if it was the excitement and thrill of the adventure. Some people would think it's silly ... but there is something about starting over in completely new surroundings that I find so invigorating.

Maybe I just need a vacation ... no ... I KNOW I need a vacation.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sleeping Lessons

I think these lyrics evoke more feeling when you can actually hear the music that accompanies it ... regardless I still find them interesting and meaningful ...

Go without,
'Til the need seeps in
You low animal,
Collect your novel petals for the stem,

And glow,
Glow,
Melt and flow,
Eviscerate your fragile frame,
And spill it out in the ragged floor,
A thousand different versions of yourself,

And if the old guard still offend,
They got nothing left on which you depend,
So enlist every ounce
Of your bright blood,
And off with their heads,

Jump from the book
You're not obliged to swallow anything you despise
See, those unrepenting buzzards want your life,
And they got no right--
As sure as you have eyes,
They got no right,

Just put yourself in my new shoes,
And see that I do what I do,
Because the old guard still offend,
(Their pudgy hearts and slimy hands)
They got nothing left on which we depend.
So enlist every ounce
Of your bright blood,
And off with their heads.

Jump from the book,
You're not obliged to swallow anything you despise
That you despise.

- The Shins

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

On Your Porch

Every now and then I like to post lyrics to songs that I really like for whatever reason ... maybe they reflect my mood, or they say something that I find poetic, inspiring, interesting, or it reminds me of a time and place ... and sometimes it encompasses all of that.

I won't say what this one means to me, because I think you need to add your own importance to a song.

i was on your porch
the smoke sank into my skin
so i came inside to be with you
and we talked all night,
about everything we could imagine
cause come the morning i'll be gone
and as our eyes start to close,
i turn to you and i let you know,
that i love you

well my dad was sick
and my mom she cared for him
her love it nursed him back to life
and me i ran,
i couldnt even look at him,
for fear i'd have to say goodbye
and as i start to leave he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,

whats left to lose,
you've done enough
and if you fail well then you fail,
but not to us
cause these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

so now here i sit,
in a hotel off of sunset
my thoughts bounce off of sam's guitar
and thats the way it's been,
ever since we were kids but now,
now we've got something to prove

and i,
i can see their eyes
but tell me something,
can they see mine?

cause whats left to lose,
i've done enough
and if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot
and these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

even if it's alone

i was on your porch last night,
the smoke it sank into my skin

- The Format

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

You little POS!!!!

... and you're back ... back to ruin my week. My life ... ughhh

Well yet again it was my own stupidity ... the only thing that worries me this time is that there wasn't mass quantities of booze (don't get me wrong you probably thought I was inviting you over for a few) .. but there were a few incredibly rich dinners. Now if you're going to start making appearances over something I ate, well then we have a definite problem.

First I'm going to drown you in chicken soup and salad ... then we'll sort out this sleeping business, because unfortunately you seem to especially enjoy partying all night. Makes it incredibly tough to sleep longer than an hour and a half before I have to turn. Did I mention the chicken soup? It's going to be hot and scalding and you my friend will not enjoy it one bit.

Mainly though ... I beg that you get the f*ck out ... actually I demand that you leave!!!

All in all you're definitely not as bad as the previous times ... I just really don't enjoy you taking up residence on Pancreas Lane ... it's not you it's me ... it's us, we definitely don't have a very good relationship. So I think it would be best if you just packed up your sh*t and left.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Uncontrollable

There's something I've known about myself for quite some time but only recently has it become more and more noticeable ... I like to be in control of my environment and of myself ... but for whatever reason lately I haven't been.

I don't know why but this person makes me ... uncontrollable, or at least I don't feel like I have any control, and quite honestly it scares me. I feel like I'm impulsive, or at least my normal thought processes aren't clicking. Anyone who knows me knows how long I can think about something until I've analyzed it from every which way ... but ... that's not happening. Instead I fly by the seat of my pants, doing things impulsively and only considering or thinking things through after the fact.

It's troubling ... I'm a little scared by it all ... hmmmm, maybe this would be a good time to sit and ponder ... any suggestions?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Finally something nice ...

With all the stories about retarded athletes acting like immature and idiotic assholes, it's nice that someone in the media finally wrote something about an athlete who is doing something worthwhile.

Click here for the story.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sitting on Top of The World

For whatever reason, I've been thinking of this song ... I don't know why ... not unhappy in any way, maybe it just reminds me of something.

Remember the times we used to play
We'd sing and we'd dance all damn day
But all I do is sing the blues
But have I forsaken you by telling you
What you must do
And all I do is sing the blues
But I would never lie, let things go by
Leave you in a road to die
I would never ever say good bye

Never gonna say good bye
Never gonna say good bye

Remember the times that we
Used to share
You got to remember the times
That we used to share
That we used to share

But the only way for you to survive
Is to open your heart it will guide
You wanna stay in this world of music and life
You got to turn around
And spread a little love and get high

- Lenny Kravitz

Monday, May 14, 2007

A Study in Contrast

He sits there in the dewey grass at the edge of his world, as a new day rises.

Everything has been brought together to define this one moment. The knowledge from the past, with the objectivity of the present, mingle with the uncertainty of the future. He takes the time to survey all that is laid before him, and stiffly straightens his arms for that one last push skyward. As his feet feel the slick dampness of the grass and dirt, it is altogether familiar and strange. A study in contrast ...

While uncertain of where it may lead, he follows the sounds of his world as he takes each step. While knowing and not truly knowing where it will go, he places one foot in front of the other and moves closer to his edge. Peering over he sees the end and the beginning, and all that lies in between. He chooses a specific point and leaps upward and onward into something ... that is altogether familiar and strange ...

The landing has been decided, the events preceeding and proceeding it have been determined, and while it is old and known, it is somehow new and different.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Surrealism

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love surrealist art, mainly Salvador Dali.

So I was pretty happy to find out about this Russian artist named Vladimir Kush. Here is a link to his personal website.

He has some really cool paintings and scupltures.

Incredibly imaginative, strange, colorful ...

Friday, April 20, 2007

An opinion ...

Here is an opinion piece by Peggy Noonan for the Wall Street Journal.

It relates to my previous posting and clarifies what I was trying to say ...

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

a random thought

I want a beer ...

The times seem to require it. The madness of the world seems to be imploding on itself. The Virginia Tech Massacre, a horrible rape in New York city, endless discussions about some idiot DJ. ... it's as though everything is coming to a head. Just scanning the Drudge Report on any given day, gives everyone a look at the evil of man, and truth be told it becomes tiresome.

Everything seems to be on the brink of something, and yet ... here i sit in a blissful state of ignorance. No ... it's not ignorance because I understand the implications and the consequences. Maybe it's somewhere between indifference and a deep concern masked by passivity.

Perhaps this is what they meant by the "ME" generation. A large and general "I don't give a f*ck!" to anyone within earshot or to anyone who cares to listen. Like that will justify the individual in their existence, in their beliefs, in them. The same indifference is what propagates the problem. It furthers it along its path, making the severity of the crimes worse, and allowing people to accept anything less than the extreme. The next time something happens people will say "Well at least it's not as bad as ..."

Who knows ... but with the ever endless coverage of all the evil things we do to ourselves, one can't help but feel somewhat detached.

OR ... maybe I'm just rambling ... i tend to do that.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

half a$$ing my way through the day ...

I've recently been experimenting with the idea of just not planning. I had reached a point where I felt like everything was always planned, there was always a schedule, always someone to meet, something to do ... and after awhile it felt like a prison. I was constricted by what my little calendar was telling me I had to be doing.

To say it was frustrating would be an understatement. All these other exciting possibilities had to be pushed to the way side as I was forced to focus on some predetermined event that had been scheduled 3 weeks ago. For lack of a better word, it sucked.

I'm not saying that planning ahead is for losers ... but I am saying that when everyone keeps planning event after event ad nauseam, well after awhile you start wishing that there you didn't have as many friends. Either that or your friends weren't so insistent that you attend.

You know what I'm talking about ... it's that friend who rarely comes out, but suddenly they have some special engagement and because of that they guilt you into showing up ... meanwhile you would rather be doing about a million other things, but out of a sense of loyalty you show up anyways. That's ok when it happens once in a blue moon, but when it happens weekend after weekend ... well it starts to wear on you.

So what's the point of all of this? Recently I've adopted a new attitude and so far it seems to be working wonders. In general I just choose specific days not to plan a thing, these days mainly fall on the weekends ... and so far so good. There is a lot to be said for being able to wake up on a Saturday morning ... debate whether or not to go for breakfast or whatever, and then just haphazardly plan your day. I've found that I'm able to somehow tumble into random invites to hockey games, dinners, parties just by going about whatever it is that I wanted to do. On the rare occasions that nothing happens I just go off and do something that I enjoy and that I can do by myself (but that seems to be a rare occurrence).

Anyways ... I guess I just wanted to say that it is possible to fall ass backwards through a semblance of a life with no plans, schedules or appointments, and I for one am glad ... it takes the decision out of indecision ;)

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Ramble on Life

Things just seem to work out the way they should. It's not a fatalistic point of view, but I do believe that everything happens the way they were meant to happen. It doesn't absolve anyone of their personal responsibilities, but in a sense no one should get upset when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan.

I think a person's attitude towards life in general will dictate how deeply something will affect them. Regardless of what they appear to be on the outside, their inner disposition will manifest itself in thoughts and actions. Therefore a person's general beliefs, etc. will help to determine how events unfold. Does that make sense? Basically if a person believes in karma, and that by doing good they tip the scales in their favor, then they unconsciously place themselves in situations that would bring about positive results.

For example someone who deals drugs is engaging in negative behavior. By placing themselves in this situation they've automatically increased the likelihood of something bad happening. Therefore when something eventually happens, a person can look at the law of karma and say "Well they deserved it."

This does not mean that bad things don't happen to good people, but I sincerely believe that good people will react to these bad things differently. Everyone is different. Some people will see a challenge whereas some will see loss and despair. Two people will have two distinct reactions to the same negative event.

So why all the philosophizing? No point really, just events and circumstance that sometimes get the mind working ... I guess the way things unfold aren't always what one hopes for, but it is as it should be ... to what might have been and could have been ... but not necessarily should have been.

Either that or this is just a late night ramble brought on by some conversation ... tomorrow can always be a brighter today if you let it.

... and I ramble on ...

Thursday, April 05, 2007

my heart ...

... goes out to a friend's family who lost an addition to their family yesterday ... while another continues to fight on tucked away in the sterilized environment of the ICU not knowing or maybe knowing how many people are pulling for him to beat the odds.

... goes out to my friend who sounded so emotionally distraught and was struggling with the idea of not having a niece, and perhaps not even having a nephew ... or being an uncle.

... goes out to my friend's sister who has wanted nothing more to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Who has had so much trouble, and felt so blessed and ... happy ... to be having not one but two children to call her own. Only a few weeks ago she beamed with the joy of an expectant mother. Now she sits in a hospital being the rock that her family can lean on.

People find strength at the strangest of times while others crumble believing all hope is lost.

In the grand scheme of things it's a sobering reminder that nothing in life is a given and that we should truly appreciate all that we have while we have it, and not after the fact ...

Friday, March 30, 2007

Everything's coming up ME!

I've been on a glorious run of "luck" ... everything just keeps coming up aces. There were a few hiccups here and there (see: gnome), but besides that March has been spectacular!

Maybe it's because Spring is in the air, the sun has been shining, it's progressively getting warmer ... who knows? What I do know is that these past few weeks have been exciting, fun and a reaffirmation of everything wonderful. So far I've been able to go to two hockey games for free, I've avoided some potentially sticky situations (even though getting into them was fun), and I've had some not so sticky situations which were just exciting and definitely put a smile on my face. Babies have been born, parties have been had, and lots of great conversations with a varied mix of old and new friends. All in all ... not one thing that could be seen as a negative, and that's something worth celebrating.

I guess the key thing now would be to see how I can extend "this" ... whatever this is ... there has to be a way, and I'm going to find it!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

See Ya Later ...

See ya later ... that's right Harold has officially left the building, or in this case my pancreas.

Yup not a twitch or pang of pain ... it's all gone. I guess he just couldn't handle the low fat, no alcohol diet that I was feeding him. So I'm assuming he eventually just packed his bags and hit the road. I for one am grateful that the little bastard has finally left ... but as I look back on this little experience, I think it's important to take note of a few key lessons.

1. Too much of anything is never a good thing, no matter how much fun it could be at the time, eventually there are consequences. In this case a gnome set up shop in my innards.
2. Have to be more careful in the future, and just keep more of a mental note on intake, etc. Also ... I am reminded again of how I should trust my instincts. This is the third or fourth time in the past few months where I did not listen, and it always ended with disaster of some kind.
3. Gnomes are terrible little creatures ...

Anyways ... I'm just happy that Harold has left, and here's to hoping that he never returns.

In other news ... how crazy is it to think that there was a gnome living in my body? I really need to lay off ... whatever it is I've been eating, smoking or drinking ... :)

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Harold, you little sh1t.



Well … we’ve moved into Day 4 (or is it Day 5) and Harold seems content to be inhabiting my insides … although he is more like a f*cking little squatter than a taxpaying resident. I’m just hoping that he is bored and eventually he will leave for greener pastures … I’m hoping … hoping … hope.

I’m not desperate yet so I haven’t resorted to the begging and pleading, but the little bastard does have me a little worried. The last thing I need would be for him to take a permanent residence on Pancreas Lane. I will say that he seems to be content sitting on his ass at the moment not really doing all that much, but like anything unwelcome or out of place, you just know/feel that it’s there.

Anyways … it’s Day 4 … I’m hoping a couple of more scalding baths of hot chicken soup and other non fatty items will turn Harold off enough that he’ll decide to pack his bags and take off.

… and this time I’m not inviting him over for cocktails.

(the image isn't Harold in his current state, but it is what I imagine he is doing in there)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Me and My Gnome


Well it's day two (technically day 3) of me and my unwelcomed guest ... the gnome. He is still there gnawing away and while still incredibly painful, he has somewhat relented in his attack. I've been busy drowning him in low fat chicken soup, and everything else that could be considered low fat ... translation: anything incredibly bland and boring to eat. Of course we all know what he wants and that's more alcohol and fatty foods but the joke is on you Harold (yes I've named him) ... none of that will be coming down my throat anytime soon ... hmmm that last sentence was ... nevermind.

I know I probably shouldn't kid around about this, but I learnt that worrying and stressing about things will really get me nowhere. In fact it'll probably just lead to more stress and worry ... so instead I've decided to look at it from a more comical point of view. As a matter of fact I've attached a picture of what I imagine the little bastard looks like (look at him, all smug sitting on his keg like he is the king of my pancreas).

So as day 2 progresses we'll see how much tea, water, and soup this guy can take before he completely gives up on his assault ... thank someone there's no demerol around this time, although it does make movies that much more enjoyable.

Monday, March 19, 2007

pushing my luck ...


I knew this was going to happen ... I could see it coming from a mile away, and for whatever reason I chose to ignore all the signs. I guess I was all too happy to just go with the flow and all the activities that accompanied it.

Don't get me wrong the past few days have been incredibly exciting. Finishing my exams, going to the hockey game, keggers, Norwegian girls, St. Patty's day ... but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that all this fun would come at a price.

Now I sit here on a Monday afternoon, suffering through a pain that feels like a gnome gnawing away at my pancreas ... it's a punishing reminder that there are limits. Unfortunately I believe I've gone right past them and into ... this ... I curse myself for my stupidity ... God I hate this f*cking gnome.

... but what a weekend.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Reviewing past thoughts

I was reading through some of my past entries last night ... I didn't realize it, but I have approximately 70 posts since the fall of 2005 ... it doesn't seem like much, then again I wouldn't think I had that much to say. I've never categorized all of them, but it makes me wonder how many were posted out of boredom ... out of anger ... out of whatever ...

It was just interesting to see where I had gone in the past year and a half as I explored everything from humor, to deep thoughts, to social commentary, and heart felt emotions.

Anyways here are some posts that I particularly enjoyed, mainly because they reminded me of why I wrote them, the situation and context they were written in, or the emotions I was experiencing at the tme ... of course sometimes it's just because I thought they were funny ... and slightly disturbing ...

Sh*t Kicking Retards
Victims of Circumstance
Words
Masturbating the Mind
I Can Change The World
What Does Sorry Really Mean
Humbled
Escape
And Then Boredom Hits
Understanding Being Misunderstood
Being Me

Enjoy!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Melon - Collie

I think the weather plays horrible tricks on your mind and your body.

Staring out the window at the bright sun, and the blue sky you can't help but wish you were outside immersing yourself in spring ... but upon venturing out and exposing yourself to the elements, you realize that the sun isn't so warm, and the sky might actually be grey. You can't help but wish for the cold to stop, and for winter to end. You fantasize about endless summers and wonder why it couldn't encompass all 4 seasons. Above all else, you curse at yourself for not wearing a hat ...

The cold is bitter, it's damp and invasive. It's a cold that goes to the very core of your bones so as to provide a deep shiver that runs from the inside out.

It's not just your bones either ... not just your body, but it feels like your mind is slowing down. It's almost as though the blood circulates at just a fraction of its normal speed. Leaving you with a case of the "dumbs", unsure of what you feel or think as you try to interpret all the information coming through your senses.

OR ... maybe that's just me ... maybe I just feel this way because I'm tired and I crave the opportunity to do ... nothing.

Is doing nothing in fact doing something?

I wish spring was here.

Vertigo

I was reading mimiinnewyork.blogspot.com, and I came across this entry titled "Vertigo" ... anyways I just thought it was an interesting read, especially since I feel like I've met someone like that in my life time ... it's not disheartening, but it makes you rethink what you thought, and see things from a different perspective ... or maybe I'm just overthinking things.

Vertigo
You know when you're right at the top, looking over, and you have that overwhelming desire to throw yourself off?

"Vertigo." he said. It's a fear of what you might do even when the rational mind registers the drop, acknowledges the inevitable mess that will ensue and still buzzes that furtive little message through the neurons, jump, jump.

I think I lack vertigo, which is how I've survived for so damned long. There was never any fear for the wellbeing of this body. What I was carrying around I couldn't give a shit about. So long as it was fed, drugged up, fucked and drunk, my body did me fine. It carried me where I wanted to go, and hell, if it hit the bottom hard, so be it. Smacked up, stung, soiled - I was loving every fucked-up minute of an existence I couldn't recall because the brain cells had been damned near destroyed by living too hard. I was falling, falling, falling, but couldn't remember the jump, and the bottom seemed to be evasive. So I tried a little harder.

My eyes were rolling and I could feel it along with the pang of a jaw strung taut, frayed elastic ready to pop with the gurning, and I couldn’t remember where I’d been, but I knew where I was, and when he opened the door he knew where I’d been because my eyes told him. So without a word he led me in, lay me down and there were no kisses, not that I remember, not that I could feel, but what I could feel was the drug shuddering through my body and my body following instinct not instruction. Instinct dictated what I did, because my head was incapable of it. I remember it didn’t hurt but from somewhere I felt like it should, and all the while I stared at the sordid red glow from the cigarette which dangled loosely from thick lips, burning embers and flecks of ash drifting into a sepia night, and from the light cast I could see that my body still looked young even as it felt so old, cold and trembling from the inevitable comedown. This time I think it did hurt, but by that time I was out, gone, on the move again, and the streets were quiet because it was 7am and France had not yet woken up.

He called me later when I was sitting on the bow of the boat, looking out across the harbour and the crew had gone to The Blue Lady. It was a pink sun, always a pink sun, and the Mistral was starting to blow, because summer was nearly over and it was time to go.

"You never said goodbye," he said

"No, I didn't." and I hung up, called the next one. "I'll be in Palma in two days. See you there."

Kept jumping right into the next addled day sodden with alcohol and the echoing, stark numbness of a beer-sodden soul still reeling from a chemical high and the smack of the night. I forget every man, but I remember every morning, my eyes wide and vacant, unable to speak. I'd sit at Bar Toni, down espresso and nod to the French guy with the curly hair and the dirty, long, yellow fingernails who sold me shit I'd sell to tourists for twice the price. I left my men like I left my boats: abruptly, before I got kicked off for turning up for work at 6am with no sleep and a jaw locked tight, clenched shut - whether through drugs or something else, I couldn't tell. Still can't.

In Palma he came with an unspectacular yelp like a small dog while his wife roamed the streets for him, calling a cellphone which beeped uselessly beneath the bed next to the suitcase and the flip-flops.

"I'd leave her for you, you know," he sighed, and he would, I knew it. He'd jump, knowing that the fall would be swift and clean and the result a carnival of crushed and splintered bones, intestines oozing like reptiles across a baked sidewalk. Whereas I'd just walk away.

When I got to Gibraltar he'd left a message for me. I ignored it. And then we sailed to the Canary Islands - which island I forget - and it rained, and we sat in a bar sipping Bailey's staring at the masts of sailboats kissing dirty grey clouds. He called me again.

"I want to leave her. I've decided. I'll meet you in St Maarten."

But I hung up, and when the Captain looked over to ask me what was wrong he caught my eye and smiled, and he knew, having mastered the exquisite art of falling, falling, falling for all eternity, without fear or retribution or spilt blood - ours, at least. I time them to perfection, my leaps over that cliff, waiting until the bow of the next boat noses close to mine and I can spring over in a perfect arc, clearing salt water licking at my heels, fall to safety, fall on my feet, hit the deck cleanly, half wishing I could feel the same sting that everyone else gets from the impact of earth punching body.

I'm always on my way out, ready to jump. Bag slung over shoulder, moving on, ticket in hand, a flight, a boat, a train. It's a solo occupation. On reflection maybe I never mastered the vertigo. I just lived with it until it became part of my soul, and every night was just jumping again and again, senseless, exalted, perfect. I don't know if I can give it up.

"I don't know if I can give it up," I told him at 7am after a night of hard drinking, and ash from my cigarette spilled like wine onto my lap. "I think that even though I want a normal life and clean living and everything to be nice and what it's never been, I know that at some point I'll get to that cliff, and I'll want to jump." It felt weird saying it out loud. But he was the one who told me about vertigo. And he said he mastered it by jumping, so that's something, at least. That's something.

"It's OK," he replied, and I could tell it really was. "'Cause if you get to the top, and you want to jump, I'll jump with you."

I wanted to say that wasn't the point, but then it occurred to me that maybe it was, and it would be OK after all. I thought some more. All I said in the end was "Thanks." But I think he understood.

Friday, March 02, 2007

My Tattoo

Well I finally did it ... It only took 9 years, and countless wasted hours and designs, but I finally found the right one, the right artist, and the right time.

The original design was drawn in 2003 during a particulary tough time in my life. Coincidentally ... I found it in my sketch book while I was going through a terrible rough patch at the end of last year. It was just comforting to know that I'd been there before ... and that YES things do get better.

So ... I couldn't think of a better piece of art to have forever etched or "inked" into my skin. It reminds me of where I've been and where I hope to go. It brings me back to a rough time in my life, while reminding me that things do get better. Things move forward, they improve, and even though sometimes it may feel as the world is conspiring against you, hope and the promise of better tomorrows always win out.

(note: the first chance I get, I'll scan and upload the original sketch so you can see the transformation from drawing to tattoo)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

so immature ...

It's Thursday.

I have tomorrow off so today is essentially Friday. My mind is tired, and I know it's silly ... but I just find this picture too funny, and I thought it might make someone else laugh.

By the way isn't today a marvelous day? Nothing like fat kids in t-shirts blatantly whoring themselves out to remind you of how much fun a Thursday can be!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

taking responsibility

I say this with no trace of anger, malice, or resentment.

In reality I wasn't even going to address it as I think it's better to just leave it in the past, yet against my better judgment I am writing this here. I am not doing this to garner some reaction but I think I should provide or at least owe some explanation ...

I've thought about this and I realize I've spent far too much time apologizing, and far too much time feeling bad for things that I have said, when in reality I was simply speaking my mind.

I'm sor ... no ... It's unfortunate that a certain person had to read some of my previous posts, and it's too bad that they had to find out what I thought, but it is what it is and I will not apologize for that.

I guess they have a short memory if they thought this was the only time where their honesty could be called into question. There are too many other instances where I had always given them the benefit of the doubt because I "trusted" them. For once they were honest, and by their simple admission, they finally confirmed that my trust had been in fact misplaced.

In this case the person uses the truth like an accessory. They speak it only when it suits them, or serves their purposes. It's not that it is none of the other person's business, it's just that they would not benefit from it being known, OR it may work against them, OR it would be too hard and would force them to confront some things about them self that they would rather not acknowledge. It's selfish ...

In the end they were not who they appeared to be ... all their actions, their little lies and half truths ... I take all the blame for putting my trust in them, for always taking their side, and for always believing them.

I am not without fault.

I will readily admit that I was naive, and that some of my actions could and should be considered childish ... or boorish. It's my own fault for letting the whole situation drive me to behave in ways I normally would not consider. It was almost an ... obsession or at least I was obsessing ... I knew what was happening and what I was doing, but it did not prevent me from being asinine in my behavior, and becoming more of a nuisance than anything else. It was maddening but I wouldn't let go, and that frustrated me to no end. I guess I was chasing a truth that was more of a myth, or answers ... and even though many of the facts were right in front of me, they were not the answers I wanted to see or hear.

I am grateful that I at least realize all this, and hopefully these lessons will serve me in the future.

So now ... I thank that person.

I AM SORRY that you proved me right.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

impulsivity

A blog is supposed to be something to share thoughts, etc. I have trouble writing personal items on here ... I usually prefer to stick to generalities in order to mask identities, etc.

In some cases ... or at least lately I feel I've used this as a forum to vent. Vent my frustrations with situations and people ... and I always struggle with whether or not to publish. In some cases I publish certain items, only to delete them at a later date ... or I write items and save them only to publish them later on ...

In the heat of the moment, when I lay aside thought and type through emotions, I know I can say some pretty harsh truths, but that's what they are ... regardless of the words used to relay the information ... they are truth.

So why write this? It's not a disclaimer ... I know the weight of my actions and the consequences ... no, I'm writing this as an explanation as to WHY ... each post has a legitimate truth behind it, and while sometimes a posting may be a spur of the moment impulse, the ones that stay are exactly what I was thinking.

Friday, February 23, 2007

immature

Some people just have no class ... I've come to realize that, and although it's taken me awhile, at least I know.

When you can't even be called upon to deal with something like a normal rational human being, than it begs the question "How f*ck'n old are you???"

No .... instead you have to make up some elaborate scheme ... oh this person emailed you saying this, WHAT? how did that person email you ... listen ... why don't you grown some frick'n balls and for once do something that is remotely mature and say what you really mean instead of trying to pass the buck off on someone else.

Honestly it's pathetic ... and it only makes me happier that I got out of it when I did ... so I guess I should thank you ...

I should thank you for being such an immature bitch ... and honestly ... that is exactly what you are.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

honesty

I try to lead a life of honesty ... I think that people sometimes veer from that path mainly to avoid certain small issues, but at other times they do it to hide inconvenient truths. I think more than anything else dishonesty has to be my biggest pet peeve.

I try and treat each and every person I meet with a few things ... a certain level of respect, some trust (if warranted), and above all else straight up 100 percent honesty. Unfortunately more and more I've come to realize that it's an idealistic view of the world, and of people. I know I've already said this before but ... my best attribute and biggest flaw are that I always try to see the "good" in people ... For the most part it serves me quite well, but I have to say it sometimes blinds me to the 1 or 2 percent of people that I meet who are incredibly dishonest, deceitful ... I guess there's a lesson in everything and meeting those kinds of people from time to time is just a simple reminder that "YES" these people actually exist and chances are that over the course of one's life you'll run into a few.

I guess the main thing to take away from this is that while "they" are out there ... it's important to remember that not everyone is like that. There are lots of decent people out there, and as long as you're as up front and as honest as possible, then the chances of meeting those "undesirables" is diminished.

Life lessons are sometimes hard, but they're honestly worth it.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Innocence of the Unknown

I was talking to a friend not too long ago, and they were relating to me how one of their daughters had recently had a severe bought of gastro or some other malady. The end result being that the poor little thing was now afraid to poo ... mainly because of the fear that it would be as painful as when she was sick ...

It's funny at first when you think about it ... I mean as you get older you learn that things have a cause and effect relationship that inevitably leads to an end result. Therefore it's not hard to imagine yourself avoiding the cause if the end result is negative, or at least understanding the "why" of certain things.

When you're so young though ... it must be terrifying. Without that understanding it becomes difficult and in this case frightening ... in the face of the unknown the innocent are always fearful. At some point the unknown becomes known, and cause and effect can take their rightful place as guides for the future.

Not only about poo ... but I do hope she poos soon ...

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Downtime

There is a lot to be said for sitting alone at home ... with a glass of wine, a good book, and some good friends on the stereo ...

The overall effect is one of calm, one of peace, and a general sigh of the soul that releases all the stress and worries of the day. With every sip and every note played, it's as though one more thing has been washed out of the system. It's something that I haven't done in a long ... long time ... and now that I sit here in silence with nothing but Otis breaking his heart, the warm tingle of the wine as it passes past my palette, and the peace and calm to consider all things great and small ...

I wonder why I don't do it more often. Why is there always such a rush to move things forward, go somewhere, get something done ... sometimes, maybe not all the time ... but sometimes a little procrastination and a little time to be with yourself is just what you need the most.

Friday, February 02, 2007

R.U.C.K.U.S

ruck·us (rŭk'əs)
  • commotion: the act of making a noisy disturbance
  • a noisy commotion; fracas; rumpus
  • A disturbance; a commotion
As I was alluding to earlier ... I've been feeling great, and with the weekend upon us, the weather warming, an early spring coming, and a rediscovery of everything that is eternally sunny ... I just feel a ruckus coming.

It's brewing, it's off on the horizon, but the winds of chaos and commotion are pushing clouds of joy and happiness this way ... and they're coming in a hurry.

So grab a hat and jump on board, there is plenty of room. For all of those reading this, today, tonight, this weekend ... this YEAR ... is the best time to create your own noisy disturbance or commotion of pure merriment ... why? ... because ... because there's no time like the present to push aside worries, stress and the monotony of the every day in exchange for that which inspires, surprises and warms the spirit.

SO BRING IT!!!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

happy days

Curveballs, screwballs, fastballs ... I'm on a bender, but this time it's happiness.

I guess it only ever takes a few moments of reflection to realize how the mundane is just that, and all the other events, occurrences, etc. are what's really important. It's been quite some time since I felt this ... free ... I'm not saying that ups and downs don't still occur, but I'm just saying that everything when taken in and evaluated comes up Aces!

It's definitely not the weather, it's definitely not work, or anything else ... I really can't put a finger on it, but whatever "IT" is, it feels fantastic. I guess that's all I needed ... a little time, a little perspective ... and some happy days.

Just thought I'd share that with whoever actually cares to listen ... I just like how it creeped up on me.

It slinks it's way toward you, until one day you it occurs to you that everything feels ... GREAT . You feel like anything can be accomplished, everything is within your reach, and karma is on your side.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Teeter Totter

Like a thief you enter my mind ... slipping in through some window that was left open, a door that was ajar ...

When all seems safe, and there is nothing but peace and calm throughout the house, you make your entrance. Slipping past the security, bounding up the steps, and entering again to a place you once occupied. It's an intrusion ... it's unlawful entry ... it's not fair.

... and yet I let you. So the scales tip back and forth, like a swing swaying not knowing if it's up or down or up again. It's my fault for not locking up, for not taking the time to make sure that all the doors are bolted, windows are shut ... I guess I just like the breeze and fresh air to waft through. It keeps things fresh and open.

... and yet I let you ... so back and forth, to an fro, here and there ... and here again.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Friends: Fairweather vs. True

Something just occurred to me ... and it was something that would pop in and out of my head now and then.

People who run at the first sight of trouble are not your friends. They are only there for the good times. They don't want to see or deal with the "you" that is down, depressed, sad, etc. Those aren't the qualities of a real friend.

Even when you just want people to leave you alone, the ones who pester you, who are always asking you how you are doing ... those are your true friends. They ask because they care ... they see you in pain, and by association because they are true friends ... they are in pain. It's selfish to think that you don't affect others.

These are the people that you can count on. They are the ones to celebrate in your joy, and to pick you up when you are down. They are the people you cherish and hold on to, otherwise you'll surround yourself with indifference.

So when you get back up ... and those other people come around ... you need to ask yourself "Where were they?" ... and if a hearty "F*ck YOU" were to escape your lips, I'm sure your TRUE friends would agree.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Last Act

For whatever reason I haven't listened ... Not when friends were telling me how screwed up the whole situation was, not when action after action hinted at something evil ... I kept pushing on with blind faith.

My biggest fault ... and it's something I really need to work on ... is that I only see the good in people. It's not always a problem, but in certain instances I let it mask the truth, and so I don't look past the shiny veneer of good to see the large dark ugly mass of bad lurking in the back.

Why am I writing this? Mainly because it recently dawned on me that this person is not who they say they are ... not who they believe they are. My part in the whole drama was letting myself believe the lies they said ... letting myself be taken in by the show and the character they were portraying. In the end the wall cracked and I was finally able to see past everything ... to stare at the darkness hidden in that person and I now realize that I should never ever want to associate myself with someone ... or something like that.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that there are truly terrible, horrible human beings out there. I don't know if they realize it but they are walking contradictions. How can you consider yourself to be respectful or respectable when you're actions indicate otherwise?

The tough part is knowing that they can seduce you with their lies ... with their act ... and blind you to the truth.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Escape

Just a few quick questions and hopefully I'll keep this short ... although I've said that before.

Why is it that we turn to alcohol, drugs, etc. to escape our problems? Where is the benefit in that? How are we really helping ourselves? I can speak from personal experience in saying that it doesn't really benefit anyone ... especially not ourselves.

I guess running from problems defeats the purpose. Problems exist because it's a situation that requires thought to formulate some solution ... drinking, etc. just leads to a momentary numbness that doesn't allow you to come up with any solution. It does provide you with that escape ... that numbness that allows you to believe you're existing without having to deal with ... anything. In reality though you can't be numb all the time. It's just not possible. Your body rebels for a reason. Comfortably numb doesn't exist and for those who believe they have found it are simply in a state of denial. What kind of life do you live when you're numb all the time? How can you not feel ... how can you deny yourself the basic necessities of being human ... emotion and thought ...

There is no escape from life ... sh*t just happens ... it's how you deal with it that tells the world just what kind of person you are ... there is no escape.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Mean People Suck

It's something that everyone knows, you see it on bumper stickers, tshirts, coffee mugs ... so it's definitely not news to anyone. The problem is when you let them affect you ...

I don't know ... I guess I've come to the realization that I have a tendency to see the good in people. It's not always a fault ... sometimes it's a good thing, because I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. People deserve second and third chances. You never know what they're going through ... but ... sometimes people really are ... I don't know, sometimes that's as good as it gets. Sometimes people don't deserve another chance, because they haven't sorted out their own issues and until they do, they can't be counted on. You can't think that they will have the decency to at least treat you like a human being. Sometimes people really are untrustworthy, dishonest, deceitful ... and you just have to accept that. It's the sad reality of life.

My tendency to see the good is what allows people to walk all over me, and disrespect me. I guess I'm just too damn "nice".

Monday, January 08, 2007

If ...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more ; you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Insomnia

The one thing I crave the most is sleep ...

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I'm thinking too much period. How do you clear your head so you can just pass out? The three hour time change certainly doesn't help matters ... actually the three hour time change is probably the main reason I am sitting here reading my old posts.

It's interesting to read things I wrote in the past under various circumstances. I would have to say that most of it was in either some reflective pause, anger, or sadness ... I was actually looking for ones that were more light hearted and humorous, but those were few and far between. I guess it reflects my state of mind over the last little bit ...

Part of me was tempted to delete some of them, just to clear the clutter of the doom and gloom ... but after reading them I think it would be wise to keep them. To remind me of where I've been and where I want to go ...

Now if only I could get some frick'n sleep ...

On a sidenote ... with little sleep I apparently jump all over the place when writing. How do people concentrate long enough to write entire books? ... and now there's one more thing to think about ..