Curveballs, screwballs, fastballs ... I'm on a bender, but this time it's happiness.
I guess it only ever takes a few moments of reflection to realize how the mundane is just that, and all the other events, occurrences, etc. are what's really important. It's been quite some time since I felt this ... free ... I'm not saying that ups and downs don't still occur, but I'm just saying that everything when taken in and evaluated comes up Aces!
It's definitely not the weather, it's definitely not work, or anything else ... I really can't put a finger on it, but whatever "IT" is, it feels fantastic. I guess that's all I needed ... a little time, a little perspective ... and some happy days.
Just thought I'd share that with whoever actually cares to listen ... I just like how it creeped up on me.
It slinks it's way toward you, until one day you it occurs to you that everything feels ... GREAT . You feel like anything can be accomplished, everything is within your reach, and karma is on your side.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Teeter Totter
Like a thief you enter my mind ... slipping in through some window that was left open, a door that was ajar ...
When all seems safe, and there is nothing but peace and calm throughout the house, you make your entrance. Slipping past the security, bounding up the steps, and entering again to a place you once occupied. It's an intrusion ... it's unlawful entry ... it's not fair.
... and yet I let you. So the scales tip back and forth, like a swing swaying not knowing if it's up or down or up again. It's my fault for not locking up, for not taking the time to make sure that all the doors are bolted, windows are shut ... I guess I just like the breeze and fresh air to waft through. It keeps things fresh and open.
... and yet I let you ... so back and forth, to an fro, here and there ... and here again.
When all seems safe, and there is nothing but peace and calm throughout the house, you make your entrance. Slipping past the security, bounding up the steps, and entering again to a place you once occupied. It's an intrusion ... it's unlawful entry ... it's not fair.
... and yet I let you. So the scales tip back and forth, like a swing swaying not knowing if it's up or down or up again. It's my fault for not locking up, for not taking the time to make sure that all the doors are bolted, windows are shut ... I guess I just like the breeze and fresh air to waft through. It keeps things fresh and open.
... and yet I let you ... so back and forth, to an fro, here and there ... and here again.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Friends: Fairweather vs. True
Something just occurred to me ... and it was something that would pop in and out of my head now and then.
People who run at the first sight of trouble are not your friends. They are only there for the good times. They don't want to see or deal with the "you" that is down, depressed, sad, etc. Those aren't the qualities of a real friend.
Even when you just want people to leave you alone, the ones who pester you, who are always asking you how you are doing ... those are your true friends. They ask because they care ... they see you in pain, and by association because they are true friends ... they are in pain. It's selfish to think that you don't affect others.
These are the people that you can count on. They are the ones to celebrate in your joy, and to pick you up when you are down. They are the people you cherish and hold on to, otherwise you'll surround yourself with indifference.
So when you get back up ... and those other people come around ... you need to ask yourself "Where were they?" ... and if a hearty "F*ck YOU" were to escape your lips, I'm sure your TRUE friends would agree.
People who run at the first sight of trouble are not your friends. They are only there for the good times. They don't want to see or deal with the "you" that is down, depressed, sad, etc. Those aren't the qualities of a real friend.
Even when you just want people to leave you alone, the ones who pester you, who are always asking you how you are doing ... those are your true friends. They ask because they care ... they see you in pain, and by association because they are true friends ... they are in pain. It's selfish to think that you don't affect others.
These are the people that you can count on. They are the ones to celebrate in your joy, and to pick you up when you are down. They are the people you cherish and hold on to, otherwise you'll surround yourself with indifference.
So when you get back up ... and those other people come around ... you need to ask yourself "Where were they?" ... and if a hearty "F*ck YOU" were to escape your lips, I'm sure your TRUE friends would agree.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Last Act
For whatever reason I haven't listened ... Not when friends were telling me how screwed up the whole situation was, not when action after action hinted at something evil ... I kept pushing on with blind faith.
My biggest fault ... and it's something I really need to work on ... is that I only see the good in people. It's not always a problem, but in certain instances I let it mask the truth, and so I don't look past the shiny veneer of good to see the large dark ugly mass of bad lurking in the back.
Why am I writing this? Mainly because it recently dawned on me that this person is not who they say they are ... not who they believe they are. My part in the whole drama was letting myself believe the lies they said ... letting myself be taken in by the show and the character they were portraying. In the end the wall cracked and I was finally able to see past everything ... to stare at the darkness hidden in that person and I now realize that I should never ever want to associate myself with someone ... or something like that.
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that there are truly terrible, horrible human beings out there. I don't know if they realize it but they are walking contradictions. How can you consider yourself to be respectful or respectable when you're actions indicate otherwise?
The tough part is knowing that they can seduce you with their lies ... with their act ... and blind you to the truth.
My biggest fault ... and it's something I really need to work on ... is that I only see the good in people. It's not always a problem, but in certain instances I let it mask the truth, and so I don't look past the shiny veneer of good to see the large dark ugly mass of bad lurking in the back.
Why am I writing this? Mainly because it recently dawned on me that this person is not who they say they are ... not who they believe they are. My part in the whole drama was letting myself believe the lies they said ... letting myself be taken in by the show and the character they were portraying. In the end the wall cracked and I was finally able to see past everything ... to stare at the darkness hidden in that person and I now realize that I should never ever want to associate myself with someone ... or something like that.
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that there are truly terrible, horrible human beings out there. I don't know if they realize it but they are walking contradictions. How can you consider yourself to be respectful or respectable when you're actions indicate otherwise?
The tough part is knowing that they can seduce you with their lies ... with their act ... and blind you to the truth.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Escape
Just a few quick questions and hopefully I'll keep this short ... although I've said that before.
Why is it that we turn to alcohol, drugs, etc. to escape our problems? Where is the benefit in that? How are we really helping ourselves? I can speak from personal experience in saying that it doesn't really benefit anyone ... especially not ourselves.
I guess running from problems defeats the purpose. Problems exist because it's a situation that requires thought to formulate some solution ... drinking, etc. just leads to a momentary numbness that doesn't allow you to come up with any solution. It does provide you with that escape ... that numbness that allows you to believe you're existing without having to deal with ... anything. In reality though you can't be numb all the time. It's just not possible. Your body rebels for a reason. Comfortably numb doesn't exist and for those who believe they have found it are simply in a state of denial. What kind of life do you live when you're numb all the time? How can you not feel ... how can you deny yourself the basic necessities of being human ... emotion and thought ...
There is no escape from life ... sh*t just happens ... it's how you deal with it that tells the world just what kind of person you are ... there is no escape.
Why is it that we turn to alcohol, drugs, etc. to escape our problems? Where is the benefit in that? How are we really helping ourselves? I can speak from personal experience in saying that it doesn't really benefit anyone ... especially not ourselves.
I guess running from problems defeats the purpose. Problems exist because it's a situation that requires thought to formulate some solution ... drinking, etc. just leads to a momentary numbness that doesn't allow you to come up with any solution. It does provide you with that escape ... that numbness that allows you to believe you're existing without having to deal with ... anything. In reality though you can't be numb all the time. It's just not possible. Your body rebels for a reason. Comfortably numb doesn't exist and for those who believe they have found it are simply in a state of denial. What kind of life do you live when you're numb all the time? How can you not feel ... how can you deny yourself the basic necessities of being human ... emotion and thought ...
There is no escape from life ... sh*t just happens ... it's how you deal with it that tells the world just what kind of person you are ... there is no escape.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Mean People Suck
It's something that everyone knows, you see it on bumper stickers, tshirts, coffee mugs ... so it's definitely not news to anyone. The problem is when you let them affect you ...
I don't know ... I guess I've come to the realization that I have a tendency to see the good in people. It's not always a fault ... sometimes it's a good thing, because I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. People deserve second and third chances. You never know what they're going through ... but ... sometimes people really are ... I don't know, sometimes that's as good as it gets. Sometimes people don't deserve another chance, because they haven't sorted out their own issues and until they do, they can't be counted on. You can't think that they will have the decency to at least treat you like a human being. Sometimes people really are untrustworthy, dishonest, deceitful ... and you just have to accept that. It's the sad reality of life.
My tendency to see the good is what allows people to walk all over me, and disrespect me. I guess I'm just too damn "nice".
I don't know ... I guess I've come to the realization that I have a tendency to see the good in people. It's not always a fault ... sometimes it's a good thing, because I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. People deserve second and third chances. You never know what they're going through ... but ... sometimes people really are ... I don't know, sometimes that's as good as it gets. Sometimes people don't deserve another chance, because they haven't sorted out their own issues and until they do, they can't be counted on. You can't think that they will have the decency to at least treat you like a human being. Sometimes people really are untrustworthy, dishonest, deceitful ... and you just have to accept that. It's the sad reality of life.
My tendency to see the good is what allows people to walk all over me, and disrespect me. I guess I'm just too damn "nice".
Monday, January 08, 2007
If ...
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more ; you'll be a Man, my son!
- Rudyard Kipling
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more ; you'll be a Man, my son!
- Rudyard Kipling
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Insomnia
The one thing I crave the most is sleep ...
Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I'm thinking too much period. How do you clear your head so you can just pass out? The three hour time change certainly doesn't help matters ... actually the three hour time change is probably the main reason I am sitting here reading my old posts.
It's interesting to read things I wrote in the past under various circumstances. I would have to say that most of it was in either some reflective pause, anger, or sadness ... I was actually looking for ones that were more light hearted and humorous, but those were few and far between. I guess it reflects my state of mind over the last little bit ...
Part of me was tempted to delete some of them, just to clear the clutter of the doom and gloom ... but after reading them I think it would be wise to keep them. To remind me of where I've been and where I want to go ...
Now if only I could get some frick'n sleep ...
On a sidenote ... with little sleep I apparently jump all over the place when writing. How do people concentrate long enough to write entire books? ... and now there's one more thing to think about ..
Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, maybe I'm thinking too much period. How do you clear your head so you can just pass out? The three hour time change certainly doesn't help matters ... actually the three hour time change is probably the main reason I am sitting here reading my old posts.
It's interesting to read things I wrote in the past under various circumstances. I would have to say that most of it was in either some reflective pause, anger, or sadness ... I was actually looking for ones that were more light hearted and humorous, but those were few and far between. I guess it reflects my state of mind over the last little bit ...
Part of me was tempted to delete some of them, just to clear the clutter of the doom and gloom ... but after reading them I think it would be wise to keep them. To remind me of where I've been and where I want to go ...
Now if only I could get some frick'n sleep ...
On a sidenote ... with little sleep I apparently jump all over the place when writing. How do people concentrate long enough to write entire books? ... and now there's one more thing to think about ..
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